Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When it comes to affairs women are more forgiving. In fact they even have sympathy for the "other" woman. I find it really weird. When the wife cheats trust me the husband does not have sympathy for the "other man".
. And if he stays it must be because leaving would be catastrophic financially. If finances are good, he will dump the wife as soon as he can.

Wtf? Not.

[Anonymous]

Different for everyone sometimes marriages hit a tough season and someone makes an incredible mistake and while extremely difficult, repair is possible if both are committed to working on building a better marriage and examining why affair happened (it’s terrible there are no excuses, but there are reasons) and have a transparent and loving relationship going forward. I’m working on this myself with my husband list his affair.

[Anonymous]

Post not list above

[Anonymous]

Because not all people are the same. Not the cheaters or the spouses, etc. The timing, etc. midlife people and marriages can have problems that don’t mean the entire 30+ years is bad. They can go onto be beautiful. Contrary to popular belief, not all people cheat again. Some have serious remorse and change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

It’s the plot of “Anxious People.”
I’m sorry that happened to you. At least there is some validation in having left him. He sounds like a truly horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? If my wife were to have an affair no second change and she knows it too. I have been faithful for 20 years and will continue to do so for.another 20 years or longer. Yet on this forum I see women after women day after day give all kind of excuses and reasons for staying with a man who cheated on them. Is it the fear of being alone? I hope not because being alone for the next 50 years is far better than sharing the same bed, bodily fluids etc with someone who betrayed you.

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

A man views his cheating wife as emasculating him. He can’t put his peen back in her puss if another man’s peen came in there.

A woman can generally compartmentalize and realize even if her man is dipping his wick in other witches, she still gets his income and lifestyle if she stays. The relationship may become more transactional but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

its easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?

IMO it’s an unintended consequence of the system. My exH would constantly file extensions etc which meant we both had to keep sinking legal fees into the process. His lawyer was a bully (and very effective). It was the singular worst experience of my life. I had been a SAHM and didn’t make much when we divorced (five years ago) and I borrowed, went into CC debt, spent any and all cash on hand to pay my lawyer all to lose. It was incredibly demoralizing and I have close to no faith in the “justice” system now based on my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?

IMO it’s an unintended consequence of the system. My exH would constantly file extensions etc which meant we both had to keep sinking legal fees into the process. His lawyer was a bully (and very effective). It was the singular worst experience of my life. I had been a SAHM and didn’t make much when we divorced (five years ago) and I borrowed, went into CC debt, spent any and all cash on hand to pay my lawyer all to lose. It was incredibly demoralizing and I have close to no faith in the “justice” system now based on my experience.

I’m so sorry. Does he still have full custody of the kids?

[Anonymous]

Two posters on the first page said it best:

Sexual fidelity is not my most important kind of fidelity, and, I don’t want to have a divided family.

When my husband disclosed his infidelity, he came to me and said, “I have to tell you something and I’m terrified”. My mind immediately went to “he’s a drug addict” or “he’s gambled away all of our savings”. Somehow, the physical act of sex was the least devastating aspect of the whole thing.

I’ve spent 20 years building our life, and I’ll be damned if I give up 50% of it because he had sex with someone else once and never again. Of course, the cheating spouse has to also be on board with reconciliation—some aren’t—and has to be willing to do “all the things” and allow full transparency for the rest of their life. My DH has done that and puts in the work. With that said, how stupid would I be to destroy my life over this?

Sell the house I love and have put my blood, sweat and tears into, to get 50% of the value? No.

Give up holidays with my children, and eventually grandchildren? No.

Have a less desirable retirement because I’m cutting my finances in half? Absolutely not.

So I stay, because I choose to stay and retain what I’ve worked my ass off to attain. I’m keeping my LIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? If my wife were to have an affair no second change and she knows it too. I have been faithful for 20 years and will continue to do so for.another 20 years or longer. Yet on this forum I see women after women day after day give all kind of excuses and reasons for staying with a man who cheated on them. Is it the fear of being alone? I hope not because being alone for the next 50 years is far better than sharing the same bed, bodily fluids etc with someone who betrayed you.

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

You sound immature. Men can cheat even when they love their partner and want to stay in the marriage. They are wired differently. This is why most women don’t throw everything out after the first strike. It’s when the cheating becomes repetitive and disrespectful that they leave.
Women tend to cheat when the love is gone and the marriage is broken beyond repair. That’s why men leave after the first affair because there is nothing left to save.

There is a reason they say "

Women cheat with their hearts, men cheat with their dicks."

Because it is the truth.

I mean, have you ever had a female friend cheat and explain it was just because she had to have sex with the hot guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? If my wife were to have an affair no second change and she knows it too. I have been faithful for 20 years and will continue to do so for.another 20 years or longer. Yet on this forum I see women after women day after day give all kind of excuses and reasons for staying with a man who cheated on them. Is it the fear of being alone? I hope not because being alone for the next 50 years is far better than sharing the same bed, bodily fluids etc with someone who betrayed you.

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

You sound immature. Men can cheat even when they love their partner and want to stay in the marriage. They are wired differently. This is why most women don’t throw everything out after the first strike. It’s when the cheating becomes repetitive and disrespectful that they leave.
Women tend to cheat when the love is gone and the marriage is broken beyond repair. That’s why men leave after the first affair because there is nothing left to save.

OMG I feel so sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women are just afraid to be alone. At least the ones who choose to stay despite the fact that they can survive and thrive on their own. For a lot of women as much they say publicly they don't need a partner not having one seems to bother a lot. I don't know why.

It’s definitely more lonely in a bad relationship than to be on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have kids together whom they don’t want to grow up in a divided family, like their life otherwise, money, don’t want to be dating again in their 40s, etc.

Usually women don’t want to get a real job.

Men already have a real job. So they can leave easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have kids together whom they don’t want to grow up in a divided family, like their life otherwise, money, don’t want to be dating again in their 40s, etc.

Usually women don’t want to get a real job.

Men already have a real job. So they can leave easily

This doesn't track with what you claim endlessly that women initiate most divorces.