Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think women, and society as a whole, have a lower bar for men than we do for women. Men often seem to make idiotic, impetuous choices... this is why teenage boys, for example, can be so reckless and do such dangerous things. They can often be destructive and unthinking in the moment, and then devastated with long term consequences. Meaning I think some men can cheat on the spur of the moment but deeply regret it later, whereas women tend to be much more intentional about our actions (perhaps because society also judges us more harshly and holds us to a higher bar). So I think in some ways it's easier to forgive a man's indiscretion because you can just "know" that it was a meaningless f-up in the way women's actions usually arent.

100%

Women cheat just as much as men but usually get a free pass.

[Anonymous]

Desire to not blow up their life.
Husband did the thing to make it happen.
But if it’s possible to forgive, if all returns to normal, they don’t want to change their location, their routine, their love for the guy, their job, their social status. Etc.

[Anonymous]

After reading some of these responses I see why men cheat. There are no consequences.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to affairs women are more forgiving. In fact they even have sympathy for the "other" woman. I find it really weird. When the wife cheats trust me the husband does not have sympathy for the "other man".
. And if he stays it must be because leaving would be catastrophic financially. If finances are good, he will dump the wife as soon as he can.

[Anonymous]

When a woman cheats on a man he sees his masculinity under attack. When a man cheats on a woman, she sees her loyalty and love being taken for granted. Two very different reactions to the same hurtful event. The person who feels their core identity is being challenged will obviously be less forgiving than the one who knows the work it takes to love someone. Men also tend be more parasitical. They want quick solutions to problems. They want to quickly forget whatever happens and move on as if nothing happen. For women it's very different and I think that's why they are more likely to forgive because the longer you unpack a problem and try to understand it the more lily you are to give the relationship another try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? …

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

Maybe you’re projecting. I stayed after the first. And the second. Now I’m looking for an affair myself and figuring if she finds out, she’ll forgive too. We get along great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? …

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

Maybe you’re projecting. I stayed after the first. And the second. Now I’m looking for an affair myself and figuring if she finds out, she’ll forgive too. We get along great.

Why not just open the marriage? Why sneak around at this point?

[Anonymous]

My brother stayed with his wife after her affair. Life and people are complex and sometimes staying together makes more sense than divorcing. I don't know if there is a right or wrong, both have ramifications but that is life.

[Anonymous]

I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

Really well said. It's so funny how people will constantly tell women to "just leave". Women suffer huge consequences for leaving men. For example, if a woman is being abused, after she leaves is THE most vulnerable time where she is most likely to be killed/murdered. A man that has been "acting nice" will do a complete 180 and become so vengeful when he knows for sure his wife is leaving. I saw it in family law all the time. Even when he's the one who caused it. A lot of men HATE doing any kind of self reflection and their go to reaction to hard emotions is funnelling it into anger, so instead of unpacking that theyre sad their wife left them because of THEIR actions, they will go into rage mode and try to ruin the ex wife, again, even when HE CAUSED IT 100%. Women know how crazy men are and often want to avoid having to deal with their life being somewhat ruined because Tommy is angry and unstable. And men who cheat have higher rates of lack of impulse control so theyre probably going to be the same types that get vengeful and crazy

[Anonymous]

The only women I know who stayed were SHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

But you left a bad guy. The difference here is that some men cheat, realize the devastation that they caused, make amends and go on to live a better life. Your ex husband just sounds like a truly terrible human being if he took your child and financially abused you. There are many many more things going on here than cheating. It sounds like cheating was probably the least bad thing that he did.

Also, you are leaving out big parts of the store if he got sole custody. Sorry, courts don’t take kids away from their parents, joint custody is the norm and if you didn’t get that, you’re leaving something out. Best of luck to you and I hope that you find healing!

[Anonymous]

Kids, finances, social standing.

[Anonymous]

The excuses I’ve read on this forum

Kids
Money ..Lifestyle - Big Home - Social circles
Denial
Husband has brain tumor , PTSD, ADHD