Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.

Exactly - life is long. Marriages are complicated - long term marriages even more so there is little place for black and white thinking as most marriages 20 years plus endure many seasons - for me it came down to my own views of commitment which include (we may completely f up and that may be part of our story but if we are willing to learn and grow from it and be clear on our values going forward we can continue)

[Anonymous]

The money
They love their spouse
They don’t want to be single with kids
It’s easier
The person stopped cheating
They cheat back

[Anonymous]

I think some women are happy to let another women do the things they no longer want to do if it doesn't affect their marriage otherwise. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?

IMO it’s an unintended consequence of the system. My exH would constantly file extensions etc which meant we both had to keep sinking legal fees into the process. His lawyer was a bully (and very effective). It was the singular worst experience of my life. I had been a SAHM and didn’t make much when we divorced (five years ago) and I borrowed, went into CC debt, spent any and all cash on hand to pay my lawyer all to lose. It was incredibly demoralizing and I have close to no faith in the “justice” system now based on my experience.

Sounds like my story as well. Everyone was telling the courts are fair everything will be 50/50 blah blah. My ex wife came from money. Her family provided her with a substantial financial package to hurt me. It wasn't enough for them for us to be hairy. No they wanted to ruin me financially. All i wanted was a fair or even below fair resolution. I didn't even want to fight them and yet ended up in massive debt that I am still paying. The divorce court is system is not set up for the middle class. The one with the financial means regardless of gender comes out on top. My ex wife showed me what being wealthy meant. And she wasn't even the wealthy one her family was.

[Anonymous]

It’s tough to survive alone as a woman in this world. Women understand it. That’s why they will fight more to stay in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough to survive alone as a woman in this world. Women understand it. That’s why they will fight more to stay in relationships.

It's tough for broke women. Women are now doing as well as men. These women will be fine paying child support and alimony just like men have been doing forever. Women are smart though lol. When they are on a good career trajectory they pick their partner well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading some of these responses I see why men cheat. There are no consequences.

Sadly that's true. One of my wife's friend is very successful far more than her husband. This woman is incredibly beautiful, she is 35 and she were to be single tomorrow men will line up to date her. Her husband 10 years older than her cheated on her twice and each time she took him back. My wife told me that her friend said she has contemplated divorce but because she still loves him she couldn't go through with it.

And then my wife joked with me that if I didn't the same thing she would divorce me asap. I then asked her so you don't love me enough? She said not if you cheated on me...

I guess very relationship is unique. I do think though women are more forgiving.

But men though shouldn't take this as comfort or green light to cheat. Women never forget. Let me say it again women never forget it. And a woman who was hurt 10 years ago will make you pay for that hurt 10 years later when you least expect it and thought everything was going great.

[Anonymous]

When a man stays after the wife had an affair, he’s a cuckold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? If my wife were to have an affair no second change and she knows it too. I have been faithful for 20 years and will continue to do so for.another 20 years or longer. Yet on this forum I see women after women day after day give all kind of excuses and reasons for staying with a man who cheated on them. Is it the fear of being alone? I hope not because being alone for the next 50 years is far better than sharing the same bed, bodily fluids etc with someone who betrayed you.

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

As a man, why do you care what women do or don't do in their marriage? A bit strange!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.

Exactly - life is long. Marriages are complicated - long term marriages even more so there is little place for black and white thinking as most marriages 20 years plus endure many seasons - for me it came down to my own views of commitment which include (we may completely f up and that may be part of our story but if we are willing to learn and grow from it and be clear on our values going forward we can continue)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some women are happy to let another women do the things they no longer want to do if it doesn't affect their marriage otherwise. It's that simple.

If it were only that easy. Rarely does cheating only take up one area of someone's life. Often lying, stealing money, diseases, bad decisions for the family, etc. It's wishful thinking that all you will have to deal with is shared sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some women are happy to let another women do the things they no longer want to do if it doesn't affect their marriage otherwise. It's that simple.

If it were only that easy. Rarely does cheating only take up one area of someone's life. Often lying, stealing money, diseases, bad decisions for the family, etc. It's wishful thinking that all you will have to deal with is shared sex.

It worked in my marriage and it was my wife's idea. I didn't ask for that arrangement. She suggested it, then insisted on it.

[Anonymous]

I think the main reason that women stay w/a cheating spouse do so because they are afraid of being alone.
They may try to appear noble by claiming they are staying for the sake of their children + finances but the truth of the matter clearly is they are afraid of being by themselves.

I agree w/you.
Being alone is so much better than being w/someone that doesn’t make you happy, someone who has the ability to make you miserable.

Life is much too short to spend your days unhappy w/the status quo if that status quo strays from your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the main reason that women stay w/a cheating spouse do so because they are afraid of being alone.
They may try to appear noble by claiming they are staying for the sake of their children + finances but the truth of the matter clearly is they are afraid of being by themselves.

I agree w/you.
Being alone is so much better than being w/someone that doesn’t make you happy, someone who has the ability to make you miserable.

Life is much too short to spend your days unhappy w/the status quo if that status quo strays from your marriage.

I think nobody WANTS to be alone, by design. We aren’t meant to be alone, we are meant for this type of companionship.

But more than I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to split time with my children, I don’t want to split the value of my house, I don’t want to slit my retirement savings, because if I divorce him, I’m losing half of the value of each of those things. After 25 years, it’s not worth it to me. I’ve been alone before and I’ll be fine alone again, if I ever find myself that way. But there’s more on the line than loneliness, and it’s not worth it to me.