Reply to Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level.  It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse.  I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah.  We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce.  My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding.  I filed bankruptcy.  I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay.  My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong.  But I definitely could not stay.  [/quote]

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because  they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?[/quote]

IMO it’s an unintended consequence of the system.  My exH would constantly file extensions etc which meant we both had to keep sinking legal fees into the process.  His lawyer was a bully (and very effective).  It was the singular worst experience of my life.  I had been a SAHM and didn’t make much when we divorced (five years ago) and I borrowed, went into CC debt, spent any and all cash on hand to pay my lawyer all to lose.  It was incredibly demoralizing and I have close to no faith in the “justice” system now based on my experience. [/quote]
I’m so sorry.  Does he still have full custody of the kids?[/quote]

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