Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.[/quote]

PP you are replying to. The point I am trying to make is that imagine it's not kid and his dad, but kid and a cop. Cop tries to take something from him, and he pushes the cop. Yeah, maybe both are somewhat at fault in therapy-world, but in the real world the cop is not reflecting on his actions and the kid is charged with assault.
The kid may have ADHD, and dad should not have physically taken the snowboard, but that is not an excuse for what the kid did, and he needs to understand that very clearly. And OP cannot blame herself/her husband anytime they have to discipline her kid. ADHD is tough to parent.
[/quote]

A parent is not analogous to a cop.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of PPs might not have kids like yours. I have a 13 yo DS with ADHD, and I really get it and worry about him getting older and stronger like your DS now is. It's so hard. We have a younger DD who does not have ADHD, and it is lightyears easier, so some parents just won't get it.

You need to have things that matter to him that can be taken away as consequences, in my opinion. And it seems like the ski trip works for that, although in our case, we don't usually use punishments that take away opportunities to be physically active, get fresh air, or have time with friends because we think that can be counterproductive. Either way, there need to be very clearly communicated expectations, limits and rules, and consequences for not meeting those. That's the only thing that works to help motivate our son.

Positive consequences are great for smaller kids, and may work to a degree with olders, but not exclusively. For our son, he has very strict video game time limits, and he must finish all school work before getting that time. He is very very motivated by gaming, so this works fairly well. We are strict if he is caught gaming during homework time (which unfortunately to some degree must be don on the computer), and he loses all his gaming for a week if that happens. Once gaming time is gone, he loses allowance if he doesn't do his schoolwork or for other broken household rules (we don't have tons of rules but we set limits about things like picking on little sister). He's also very motivated by this because he's into saving in a long-term account because he wants to buy a fancy car in his 20s, he says. He gets angry when he loses gaming or allowance. It's tough and we question it sometimes, but we think about the alternative and believe if we didn't impose consequences he'd really struggle to keep himself on track.

The only thing I'd do differently in your case is communicate what the consequences will be well ahead of time so he's not blindsided and can use the threat to motive to get stuff done. I might also consider if there are other consequences that don't take away a positive healthy activity like skiing.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.[/quote]

PP you are replying to. The point I am trying to make is that imagine it's not kid and his dad, but kid and a cop. Cop tries to take something from him, and he pushes the cop. Yeah, maybe both are somewhat at fault in therapy-world, but in the real world the cop is not reflecting on his actions and the kid is charged with assault.
The kid may have ADHD, and[b] dad should not have physically taken the snowboard[/b], but that is not an excuse for what the kid did, and he needs to understand that very clearly. And OP cannot blame herself/her husband anytime they have to discipline her kid. ADHD is tough to parent.
[/quote]
Why not? He was being explicitly told no and responded by packing the snow board anyway. What are they supposed to do, scold harder? Let him get his way because he pitched a tantrum?

[Anonymous]

These posts are always going to get the you tell him how it is what an entitled jerk show them who is boss posters. You have to decide philosophically what lane you’re in.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.[/quote]

PP you are replying to. The point I am trying to make is that imagine it's not kid and his dad, but kid and a cop. Cop tries to take something from him, and he pushes the cop. Yeah, maybe both are somewhat at fault in therapy-world, but in the real world the cop is not reflecting on his actions and the kid is charged with assault.
The kid may have ADHD, and dad should not have physically taken the snowboard, but that is not an excuse for what the kid did, and he needs to understand that very clearly. And OP cannot blame herself/her husband anytime they have to discipline her kid. ADHD is tough to parent.
[/quote]

A parent is not analogous to a cop. [/quote]
Prison is full of people who were physical with their parents as children then one day as an adult got physical with somebody who is not their parent

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. In parenting, there rarely is a right or wrong way to do handle a situation. And if this situation is a toss up, it is better to have erred on the side of teaching a life lesson. I have an ADHD child and I also kind of spoil her. I would have taken the trip away. I have ADHD and understand how hard motivation can be. However, this is life. He needs to learn to cope before he gets to be an adult. Plus the fact that he got an attitude and even got physical, seems to indicate that he isn’t used to discipline or hearing no - and that behavior is 100% UNACCEPTABLE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

This implies he didn’t try. He isn’t missing ALL assignments, just some. So he’s done 50% of his work. That’s trying.

NP. Come on, I’m no tiger mom but doing 50% of your school work is not the standard.

It is for kids with ADHD. The struggle is real.

No way. If this kid is taking medication, he either needs a higher dose or another medication. If he is choosing to not do his work, he shouldn’t be rewarded with a ski trip.

My son has ADHD and the deal was that his work got done before he did fun stuff. Period. This kid will be a total mess in a few years in college without expectations and structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a child with ADHD but my kids have friends who do. There have been many times parents did not allow child to come to activity or play date until child finished his work. DD has a friend who came to our party at the very last 10 min when most people already left. Their day sounded ugly with huge tantrums and throwing things.

I personally would let my child attend the activity or party and let them catch up after.

As a parent with ADHD and a teen with ADHD, I think you need to sit this one out. “Having friends who have elementary school kids with ADHD” isn’t really a qualifying experience here. OP, this thread would be much better suited for the Special Needs Forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with most on here. You did fine, OP. Don't give up now when the hard work is done.

I also don’t think you need to be sitting with a tenth grader going through work.

I have 2 kids with ADHD and you cannot handhold them to that extent or they will just fail later in college when you aren’t there. Better to get the hard stuff out of the way earlier when it matters less. It’s not easy but it is ultimately for his own benefit.

I think sitting with your kid who is struggling to get through it is very effective. I don't even have a kid with ADHD but there have been instances when I have had to sit with my kids when they were this age to get them to work. It helps them settle and focus on the work when someone is there to provide some organizational scaffolding. This is also practice for when they are in college. Practice sets patters in the brain too.

[Anonymous]

I have to go online everyday and look at what assignment is due for my 15 year old with adhd and make a color coded check off list in order to prioritize what is due first.

Work often isn’t completed unless I sit next to him. I am sometimes reading or doing a nyt puzzle so I am not staring at him but I am there when he gets too off task. He also then can take a quick break to talk about random things he thinks of or he will help solve on of the puzzles then gets back to work.

My goal right now is for him to graduate so some homework assignments I help him with short cuts. So sometimes instead of reading a very long chapter of a novel or history text, I can often find YouTube short documentaries /summaries or I read it aloud to him and we talk about it.

I also am realistic about his classes. He is smart enough to be in all honors classes but he can’t handle that workload and/or the rigidity of some honors teachers. It helps I have an older child so I know or his sibling tells him which teachers are more manageable with the work load.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you did this, but I think it is wrong approach. The ski trips/participating in ski team shouldn’t be a reward or punishment. That is something that is good for his mental and physical health. The natural consequence of him only doing 50% of his work is that you micromanage him. Too bad if he doesn’t like it. He needs to write down his assignments each day, you go though them when he gets home from school, he sits at the dining room table and completes. You physically check what he is doing and assignment progress every 15 min if you need to. That should be his “punishment”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you did this, but I think it is wrong approach. The ski trips/participating in ski team shouldn’t be a reward or punishment. That is something that is good for his mental and physical health. The natural consequence of him only doing 50% of his work is that you micromanage him. Too bad if he doesn’t like it. He needs to write down his assignments each day, you go though them when he gets home from school, he sits at the dining room table and completes. You physically check what he is doing and assignment progress every 15 min if you need to. That should be his “punishment”

Oh, and no phone until work is done. If he is held accountable for actually doing his work, watched over, and dials in, he can get it done in under an hour. Most kids do not get very much homework unless AP classes

[Anonymous]

you can make your mornings a lot easier by making him take the bus to school

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Sounds like you're all struggling. My ADHD kid isn't there yet, but as an ADHDer too, it sounds like he's really struggling emotionally. I am not sure what the answer is, but if you have a you vs us dynamic going, then it might be worth going to a therapist yourself to change this dynamic so he really, truly believes you're on his side. ADHDers have super low self esteem. A constant internal monologue of "I can't do anything, I'm worthless, why am I so stupid and incapable etc etc". He won't be able to perform at school while he's overwhelmed with those feeling and feeling really alone. He wants to do better, he really really does. He just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to go online everyday and look at what assignment is due for my 15 year old with adhd and make a color coded check off list in order to prioritize what is due first.

Work often isn’t completed unless I sit next to him. I am sometimes reading or doing a nyt puzzle so I am not staring at him but I am there when he gets too off task. He also then can take a quick break to talk about random things he thinks of or he will help solve on of the puzzles then gets back to work.

My goal right now is for him to graduate so some homework assignments I help him with short cuts. So sometimes instead of reading a very long chapter of a novel or history text, I can often find YouTube short documentaries /summaries or I read it aloud to him and we talk about it.

I also am realistic about his classes. He is smart enough to be in all honors classes but he can’t handle that workload and/or the rigidity of some honors teachers. It helps I have an older child so I know or his sibling tells him which teachers are more manageable with the work load.

Serious question is the plan for a kid like this they don’t go to college?