Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

I think losing the ski trip is, in principle, a normal and justifiable punishment. If he cannot complete his school work in the time he has, then he needs to lose fun things in order to make more time.

The problem is the surprise element, which was going to backfire with or without ADHD in the mix.

At this point, I think the PP who proposed a "reset" is correct. Do you have the ability to get him a message at school? I'd get him a message saying that skiing is back on for tonight only, and that you will discuss the situation tomorrow (Saturday).

But then you need to stick to your guns, OP. Make a clear expectation, give him the tools to succeed, have a clear consequence that is not a surprise, and then enforce it.

[Anonymous]

For a kid like this your #1 tool and natural consequence is the phone time. He probably cares about it and it’s also very likely a root cause of getting the work done.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to think you handled this situation very well and I also would have held my ground and taken away the ski trip.

What I want to know is, did it work? Let us know in a few days to a week if he is doing his homework and behaving better?

Usually, I find that holding kids accountable and following through with actions gets into their ‘decision cycle’ and it works. I find that when I do not enforce consequences, the worse the behavior becomes.

Let us know if your firm stance worked?
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP said in a follow up that the kid DID know he would lose this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to think you handled this situation very well and I also would have held my ground and taken away the ski trip.

What I want to know is, did it work? Let us know in a few days to a week if he is doing his homework and behaving better?

Usually, I find that holding kids accountable and following through with actions gets into their ‘decision cycle’ and it works. I find that when I do not enforce consequences, the worse the behavior becomes.

Let us know if your firm stance worked?
Good luck!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said in a follow up that the kid DID know he would lose this trip.

Oh, I didn't see that. I actually still can't find it but if op gave the kid a clear ultimatum and he still didn't do the work, then I'm 100% behind the parents here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said in a follow up that the kid DID know he would lose this trip.

Oh, I didn't see that. I actually still can't find it but if op gave the kid a clear ultimatum and he still didn't do the work, then I'm 100% behind the parents here.

She said he was told weekend plans would be affected and it sounds like there are many weekend plans.

[Anonymous]

OP, lots of parents would say no to a ski trip. This ski trip. It's without much chaperoning. The teen that goes, at all, occasionally, should be very responsible and very mature.

[Anonymous]

pp again (10:31) do not be hard on yourself for the back and forth ugliness of this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to go online everyday and look at what assignment is due for my 15 year old with adhd and make a color coded check off list in order to prioritize what is due first.

Work often isn’t completed unless I sit next to him. I am sometimes reading or doing a nyt puzzle so I am not staring at him but I am there when he gets too off task. He also then can take a quick break to talk about random things he thinks of or he will help solve on of the puzzles then gets back to work.

My goal right now is for him to graduate so some homework assignments I help him with short cuts. So sometimes instead of reading a very long chapter of a novel or history text, I can often find YouTube short documentaries /summaries or I read it aloud to him and we talk about it.

I also am realistic about his classes. He is smart enough to be in all honors classes but he can’t handle that workload and/or the rigidity of some honors teachers. It helps I have an older child so I know or his sibling tells him which teachers are more manageable with the work load.

Serious question is the plan for a kid like this they don’t go to college?

My ADHD DS is a freshman at a well regarded college. It was a bumpy road getting through HS. Reminder the brain of ADHD is about 2 years behind peers. So your 15 YO is closer to a 8th grader.
They catch up - but there is a lot of scaffolding in getting there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a kid like this your #1 tool and natural consequence is the phone time. He probably cares about it and it’s also very likely a root cause of getting the work done.

In my experience for ADHD teen, natural consequence parenting did not work. You need to work with what you have - not what you wish you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said in a follow up that the kid DID know he would lose this trip.

Oh, I didn't see that. I actually still can't find it but if op gave the kid a clear ultimatum and he still didn't do the work, then I'm 100% behind the parents here.

She said he was told weekend plans would be affected and it sounds like there are many weekend plans.

So? OP's kid is aware the ski trip is a weekend plan. It doesn't have to be THAT specific, he's not stupid. I think taking it away is 100% justified and if she gives in now, it's going to send entirely the wrong message. That's a really bad idea and why there are so many bratty kids who think that if they just throw a fit they'll get to go on their trip. It apparently works on many of you!

Don't be that parent, OP. It isn't fun sometimes, but you are doing the hard work to make him a responsible adult.

[Anonymous]

I would not have taken the ski trip away. The ski trip is not a direct consequence to not doing homework. There is no correlation. I would put the ski trip back on and let him know that consequences will be discussed and implemented upon his return home.

For the future, you need to figure out a way to “back off” but still support. That can look like this…. You will set a time when he should work on assignments every afternoon and give him a reminder to do so. He will do the homework in front of you. However, you will not assist him further than that unless he asks for it. Every weekend, sit down with him and go over grades. Anything missing? Anything due? Any redos?

Also, work on control. Dad should not snatch anything out of anyone’s arms. Dad had the option of not driving the car until the board is back in the house.

Fellow teacher and mom

[Anonymous]

Stay strong. It is just a ski trip. You're right to take it away so he has time to catch up on assignments. He will probably not use that time to do work, but instead sulk and try to do something else fun. Just remind him that other ski trips are at risk too. He should also apologize to your husband for getting physical. I also agree with stepping back and letting him taking the responsibility to do the work. He's too old, you won't be there for him always, he has to learn somehow. It is harder for ADHD kids to develop that skill and it may take longer but they will. Failure is part of the process, don't be scared of that. It is better to fail now when he's still young then later, in college or worse, in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a kid like this your #1 tool and natural consequence is the phone time. He probably cares about it and it’s also very likely a root cause of getting the work done.

In my experience for ADHD teen, natural consequence parenting did not work. You need to work with what you have - not what you wish you had.

I said this as a parent of an ADHD teen. The phones are really terrible for all of us but particularly bad for ADHD teens. So the natural consequence part is your brain and the way it functions, the phone is a real barrier for you that you can't handle. You probably can't interact with a phone the way a typical teen might be able to. YMMV.