Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

My 15yo son has awful ADHD and it affects his performance in school tremendously. We've tried many many things to help, but still don't have a handle on it. Lately he has really been blowing off homework, despite us trying to help and be on top of it. He asked me recently to back off and let him handle it. So, since getting back to school this month, I have. I looked yesterday and he's missing multiple assignments in every single class. He's had time to do them and has chosen not to. I recognize it's hard for him to get started, but he's also not asking for help or using the strategies he's been taught to be successful. And yes, he's on meds.

Anyway, today he has his weekly high school ski club Friday night trip. We told him last night that he couldn't go because he has too much missing work. He didn't take us seriously and then this morning when it was time to go to school, he tried to gather all of his ski stuff and go to the car. We said no. This back and forth went on for 10 mins and escalated. He wouldn't listen, said he was going, argued, yelled, pushed my husband when my husband tried to take his snowboard out of his hands. Got ugly. We held our ground and he finally gave up and stormed off to the car to go to school.

Now I feel sick over what happened and am questioning if I should have let him go and just made him skip all other fun things this weekend instead. I'm worried about how he's feeling right now, I'm worried about how it will be after school, and it all just feels awful. I know he needs to learn that he cannot blow off schoolwork and that this can't happen again, but I'm feeling awful that we took this away from him tonight. Were we too harsh?

[Anonymous]

This is part of parenting and it is terrible.

I would say that when it has (seldom) gotten ugly or physical there is ALWAYS an apology due in both directions. So it's important to be firm AND recognize that.

It's so difficult when kids are bigger than you, have cars, and the power dynamic needs to remain parent > child.

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell if the ski trip is a big thing or a little thing but you have him a responsibility you knew he wasn’t ready for, then punishing him because he failed seems unhelpful. Was he aware the trip was on the line beforehand?

My kids work so much better with positive reinforcement. Try that next time. A carrot for a good job rather than a stick for a bad one.

[Anonymous]

The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

This implies he didn’t try. He isn’t missing ALL assignments, just some. So he’s done 50% of his work. That’s trying.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with taking away something as big and healthy as the ski trip - but you can always start over. I’d actually drive his stuff to school and let him go but for the pushing part, which does deserve a big consequence.

Take a beat and read the Alan Kazdin books. They are for younger kids mostly but give a lot of good information on how to calibrate punishments and rewards.

As for the homework you need to come up with a plan that gives him autonomy but is scaffolded to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of parenting and it is terrible.

I would say that when it has (seldom) gotten ugly or physical there is ALWAYS an apology due in both directions. So it's important to be firm AND recognize that.

It's so difficult when kids are bigger than you, have cars, and the power dynamic needs to remain parent > child.

I agree with this. Pushing was wrong but your DH kind of instigated the physical confrontation but trying to grab the snowboard.

[Anonymous]

I understand the desire to back off and let him try to handle it and then your desire to take away a privilege when he didn’t follow through.

However, did you warn him ahead of time that missing the ski trip would be the consequence if he didn’t turn in assignments? Did you just bring it up last night and then follow thru today with no real opportunity to catch up? It seems a bit harsh if the consequences hadn’t been discussed in advance which may have escalated his response.

Now he knows, so help him catch up this weekend and tell him you’ll be checking again on Thursday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

Ok? But then you punished him when he failed, which you knew he might. That’s the problem. You need a clearer plan with incentives and disincentives that are much smaller.

[Anonymous]

He pushed your husband?! Hell, no.

You did the right thing in theory but tone of voice, previous experience, all that will add up to your kid exploding. But he needs to learn that getting physical is never ok.

But you need family therapy is what it sounds like to me. Have you tried that yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

This implies he didn’t try. He isn’t missing ALL assignments, just some. So he’s done 50% of his work. That’s trying.

NP. Come on, I’m no tiger mom but doing 50% of your school work is not the standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the desire to back off and let him try to handle it and then your desire to take away a privilege when he didn’t follow through.

However, did you warn him ahead of time that missing the ski trip would be the consequence if he didn’t turn in assignments? Did you just bring it up last night and then follow thru today with no real opportunity to catch up? It seems a bit harsh if the consequences hadn’t been discussed in advance which may have escalated his response.

Now he knows, so help him catch up this weekend and tell him you’ll be checking again on Thursday.

Fair warning is the biggest thing. I would have sat down with him the night before (or several times this week), pulled up the grades and talked about what he'd done to catch up and if it was enough to justify going on the ski trip. This weekend you need to set a plan with him for what he needs to do to go next week. Make it fair. He may not be able to make up everything in one week, but there should be significant progress.

[Anonymous]

I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He pushed your husband?! Hell, no.

You did the right thing in theory but tone of voice, previous experience, all that will add up to your kid exploding. But he needs to learn that getting physical is never ok.

But you need family therapy is what it sounds like to me. Have you tried that yet?

We have tried family therapy. He's tried individual therapy. He's had an executive function coach. I'm a teacher and have been putting strategies in place and giving him tools to manage work since he's been in kindergarten. He has refused it all. There has never been a night of homework that I haven't offered my help - he refused it every time. I am in touch with his teachers regularly, his school counselor. At some point, he needs to make some effort, and so when he asked for more independence and for me to lay off, I gave him that chance and he didn't use his time wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.