Reply to Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

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[quote=Anonymous]I think a lot of PPs might not have kids like yours.  I have a 13 yo DS with ADHD, and I really get it and worry about him getting older and stronger like your DS now is.  It's so hard.  We have a younger DD who does not have ADHD, and it is lightyears easier, so some parents just won't get it.

You need to have things that matter to him that can be taken away as consequences, in my opinion.  And it seems like the ski trip works for that, although in our case, we don't usually use punishments that take away opportunities to be physically active, get fresh air, or have time with friends because we think that can be counterproductive.  Either way, there need to be very clearly communicated expectations, limits and rules, and consequences for not meeting those.  That's the only thing that works to help motivate our son.

Positive consequences are great for smaller kids, and may work to a degree with olders, but not exclusively.  For our son, he has very strict video game time limits, and he must finish all school work before getting that time.  He is very very motivated by gaming, so this works fairly well.  We are strict if he is caught gaming during homework time (which unfortunately to some degree must be don on the computer), and he loses all his gaming for a week if that happens.  Once gaming time is gone, he loses allowance if he doesn't do his schoolwork or for other broken household rules (we don't have tons of rules but we set limits about things like picking on little sister).  He's also very motivated by this because he's into saving in a long-term account because he wants to buy a fancy car in his 20s, he says.  He gets angry when he loses gaming or allowance.  It's tough and we question it sometimes, but we think about the alternative and believe if we didn't impose consequences he'd really struggle to keep himself on track.

The only thing I'd do differently in your case is communicate what the consequences will be well ahead of time so he's not blindsided and can use the threat to motive to get stuff done.  I might also consider if there are other consequences that don't take away a positive healthy activity like skiing.[/quote]

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