Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like such a tough morning.

Have you heard of Dr. Ross Greene? I learned of him through the Washington Post parenting column as well as Carolyn Hax's advice column. https://livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-old/

I wonder if you might find it helpful. When you're dealing with high schoolers, we've found it even more important to get their buy-in and really the primary leverage you have is their sense of connection to you (unless you want to go the authoritarian route - which we did unknowingly try!). I found the videos to be really helpful and there's more on YouTube.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Exercise is good for adhd so I think this was a bad consequence. Don’t cancel exercise

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most on here. You did fine, OP. Don't give up now when the hard work is done.

I also don’t think you need to be sitting with a tenth grader going through work.

I have 2 kids with ADHD and you cannot handhold them to that extent or they will just fail later in college when you aren’t there. Better to get the hard stuff out of the way earlier when it matters less. It’s not easy but it is ultimately for his own benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15yo son has awful ADHD and it affects his performance in school tremendously. We've tried many many things to help, but still don't have a handle on it. Lately he has really been blowing off homework, despite us trying to help and be on top of it. He asked me recently to back off and let him handle it. So, since getting back to school this month, I have. I looked yesterday and he's missing multiple assignments in every single class. He's had time to do them and has chosen not to. I recognize it's hard for him to get started, but he's also not asking for help or using the strategies he's been taught to be successful. And yes, he's on meds.

Anyway, today he has his weekly high school ski club Friday night trip. We told him last night that he couldn't go because he has too much missing work. He didn't take us seriously and then this morning when it was time to go to school, he tried to gather all of his ski stuff and go to the car. We said no. This back and forth went on for 10 mins and escalated. He wouldn't listen, said he was going, argued, yelled, pushed my husband when my husband tried to take his snowboard out of his hands. Got ugly. We held our ground and he finally gave up and stormed off to the car to go to school.

Now I feel sick over what happened and am questioning if I should have let him go and just made him skip all other fun things this weekend instead. I'm worried about how he's feeling right now, I'm worried about how it will be after school, and it all just feels awful. I know he needs to learn that he cannot blow off schoolwork and that this can't happen again, but I'm feeling awful that we took this away from him tonight. Were we too harsh?

Pushing your husband is an automatic warning the next time anything like that happens he will be sent to military school.

Do not let him use ADHD as a crutch or an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He pushed your husband?! Hell, no.

You did the right thing in theory but tone of voice, previous experience, all that will add up to your kid exploding. But he needs to learn that getting physical is never ok.

But you need family therapy is what it sounds like to me. Have you tried that yet?

We have tried family therapy. He's tried individual therapy. He's had an executive function coach. I'm a teacher and have been putting strategies in place and giving him tools to manage work since he's been in kindergarten. He has refused it all. There has never been a night of homework that I haven't offered my help - he refused it every time. I am in touch with his teachers regularly, his school counselor. At some point, he needs to make some effort, and so when he asked for more independence and for me to lay off, I gave him that chance and he didn't use his time wisely.

Pp again. I’m sorry, OP. It sounds really rough.

Have you talked to his school’s learning center? My kid works with a school tutor as needed and now voluntarily stays after school for study hall. He had no idea that was a thing but a different teacher is there each week, and if a kid needs help they can easily get it. He’s been surprised that kids he knows also go to study hall—even some “cool kids.” Not sure if that is an option at your kid’s school but thought I’d share because it’s been so helpful for my kid and improving his executive function skills. Other kids and likable teachers are better inspiration than I’ve been

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.

[Anonymous]

He has chosen to half ass his work. A natural consequence to that is that he kisses fun activities to do his work. It’s a no brained to me.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine that he is missing this night of ski club. However, going forward, I would not have this as a consequence for not doing school work. It is important for kids with ADHD to get exercise and have things that they excel at. Ski club can be both for your son, which will be important for getting him through HS.

As to missing assignments, does your son have an IEP with a case manager? If so, do they have check-ins? If not, then perhaps have a set time once a week to check in with your son on his assignments.

At a certain point, we need to let our kids struggle and even fail. Let them experience the actual consequences of their actions or lack of actions with a lower grade. It won't be the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has chosen to half ass his work. A natural consequence to that is that he kisses fun activities to do his work. It’s a no brained to me.

I can't even contemplate the entitlement attitude this kid has that he thinks he gets to be in a ski club, which I am sure is $$$$, and attend with piles of unfinished overdue work, to the point he thinks he gets to get physical with his dad. Yeah, OP should not have used mommy vague talk on him and made the consequence/ultimatum clearer but she is only 20% at fault here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine that he is missing this night of ski club. However, going forward, I would not have this as a consequence for not doing school work. It is important for kids with ADHD to get exercise and have things that they excel at. Ski club can be both for your son, which will be important for getting him through HS.

As to missing assignments, does your son have an IEP with a case manager? If so, do they have check-ins? If not, then perhaps have a set time once a week to check in with your son on his assignments.

At a certain point, we need to let our kids struggle and even fail. Let them experience the actual consequences of their actions or lack of actions with a lower grade. It won't be the end of the world.

He needs exercise. He does not need spoiled rich brat winter sport with his dude bro friends for exercise. That is a privilege that needs to be earned.

[Anonymous]

My kid is doing the same thing. I took the phone and took away activities. We sat next to them watching the screen while they caught up.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.[/quote]

PP you are replying to. The point I am trying to make is that imagine it's not kid and his dad, but kid and a cop. Cop tries to take something from him, and he pushes the cop. Yeah, maybe both are somewhat at fault in therapy-world, but in the real world the cop is not reflecting on his actions and the kid is charged with assault.
The kid may have ADHD, and dad should not have physically taken the snowboard, but that is not an excuse for what the kid did, and he needs to understand that very clearly. And OP cannot blame herself/her husband anytime they have to discipline her kid. ADHD is tough to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

This implies he didn’t try. He isn’t missing ALL assignments, just some. So he’s done 50% of his work. That’s trying.

NP. Come on, I’m no tiger mom but doing 50% of your school work is not the standard.

It is for kids with ADHD. The struggle is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is doing the same thing. I took the phone and took away activities. We sat next to them watching the screen while they caught up.

I have a kid with ADHD and this is the only thing that works.