Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Everything is fine as long as he knew about this consequence.

When you turned the homework problem over to him, he should have understood the consequences. If he thought it would just mean bad grades, then springing the ski trip penalty on him last minute is less than ideal. You can still do it, obviously, and arguably he should have seen it coming.

But ideally I think he should know the conditions for the ski trip in advance.

Anyway though yes, hitting a consequence is often very ugly.

Think of it this way, if you give him more rope, it’s a longer drop and a sharper jerk at the bottom.

[Anonymous]

I have an ADHD son.
A few things
...lately he has really been blowing off homework, despite us trying to help and be on top of it. He asked me recently to back off and let him handle it. So, since getting back to school this month, I have. I looked yesterday and he's missing multiple assignments in every single class. He's had time to do them and has chosen not to.

ADHD - it is not typically a choice to not do them. It is not a motivation thing - he probably is doing his best.
I have been there - my son is in college now and I am still there.
If I was in your shoes (and have the magic of looking back)
- My DS needed every opportunity to connect socially - we did the same thing of taking away things like that and regretted it.
- Ground rules - no driving if emotional. Today could have been a day he did not get the car.
- Create a group text from everyone involved this morning and say that we need to connect and figure out a path forward. You love him and want the best for him - but you do not want every conversation to be about missing assignments. Ask him where and when he wants to sit down to talk about it before 5PM tomorrow. That gives him the space to prepare and do it on his terms.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.

This was me who posted already.

I think a lot of times it feels like we can’t go back on what we said or undo something. That it shows weakness or lack of resolve or in the future the kid won’t listen to anything we say. I have struggled with this. I think sometimes it is okay if we have more time to think and we made a mistake, we are accountable and we go back and fix it. If we do this with openness and transparency, we model that behavior for them and in the end it just makes the relationship stronger and these issues become easier to navigate in the future. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.

For next time be specific exactly what plans are on the line and exactly what needs to be done to get to do the fun thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.

This was me who posted already.

I think a lot of times it feels like we can’t go back on what we said or undo something. That it shows weakness or lack of resolve or in the future the kid won’t listen to anything we say. I have struggled with this. I think sometimes it is okay if we have more time to think and we made a mistake, we are accountable and we go back and fix it. If we do this with openness and transparency, we model that behavior for them and in the end it just makes the relationship stronger and these issues become easier to navigate in the future. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

But sometimes you DO have to hold the line. If the OP was warning him and he was ignoring it, I think it would have been okay for her to talk to him that week and say “I really don’t want you to miss the ski trip, and I feel like that’s where we’re going. I’m willing to bend if you meet me halfway. What is realistic?”

But that has to be before, and so would the solutions. Like “I can make a list of all the missing assignments and get as many done as possible in two hours after dinner tonight” and then you both sit and do that is maybe a path to ski trip but “next week I will turn in everything” is not, because that is the very thing you are trying to help him stop believing/doing in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

I agree with this. If he knew ski trip was the consequence - or even if you've talked before about privileges being contingent on staying on top of schoolwork - then I think you are ok to carry through with the consequence.

OP, it sounds like you have been through MANY different iterations of trying to incent his behavior. He asked you to back off, you did, he didn't carry through with his piece of the agreement, and now there is a consequence. I think that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.

This was me who posted already.

I think a lot of times it feels like we can’t go back on what we said or undo something. That it shows weakness or lack of resolve or in the future the kid won’t listen to anything we say. I have struggled with this. I think sometimes it is okay if we have more time to think and we made a mistake, we are accountable and we go back and fix it. If we do this with openness and transparency, we model that behavior for them and in the end it just makes the relationship stronger and these issues become easier to navigate in the future. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

But sometimes you DO have to hold the line. If the OP was warning him and he was ignoring it, I think it would have been okay for her to talk to him that week and say “I really don’t want you to miss the ski trip, and I feel like that’s where we’re going. I’m willing to bend if you meet me halfway. What is realistic?”

But that has to be before, and so would the solutions. Like “I can make a list of all the missing assignments and get as many done as possible in two hours after dinner tonight” and then you both sit and do that is maybe a path to ski trip but “next week I will turn in everything” is not, because that is the very thing you are trying to help him stop believing/doing in the first place.

Pp back. I totally agree you follow through if you were 100 percent clear. If you are 100 percent clear the kid won’t react the way OP’s kid reacted. They will be bummed but it won’t go down like it did.

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD and I can't get things done sometimes even with consequences on the line. It is a choice in some ways but kind of like drinking is a choice for alcoholics. It can be extremely difficult for me to sometimes get things done that I know need to be done, that I want to get done, and there will be consequences if I don't do them. Often they still don't get done and then I get so angry and disgusted with myself but it happens again.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like normal teen drama to me. You cannot give an ultimatum then not follow through. He will walk all over you and will constantly challenge boundaries if you do that. He's not going to die because he missed a ski trip.

He has lost self management privileges. If this were my kid I would clear my weekend schedule and sit elbow to elbow with him and start plowing through the overdue work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like normal teen drama to me. You cannot give an ultimatum then not follow through. He will walk all over you and will constantly challenge boundaries if you do that. He's not going to die because he missed a ski trip.

He has lost self management privileges. If this were my kid I would clear my weekend schedule and sit elbow to elbow with him and start plowing through the overdue work

The question is…was a clear ultimatum given. I don’t think a vague this will affect your weekend plans is clear enough.

[Anonymous]

Since he knew he would lose the trip I would follow through but in a very empathetic way. Then I would drop any other plans I had to sit with him while he did the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He pushed your husband?! Hell, no.

You did the right thing in theory but tone of voice, previous experience, all that will add up to your kid exploding. But he needs to learn that getting physical is never ok.

But you need family therapy is what it sounds like to me. Have you tried that yet?

We have tried family therapy. He's tried individual therapy. He's had an executive function coach. I'm a teacher and have been putting strategies in place and giving him tools to manage work since he's been in kindergarten. He has refused it all. There has never been a night of homework that I haven't offered my help - he refused it every time. I am in touch with his teachers regularly, his school counselor. At some point, he needs to make some effort, and so when he asked for more independence and for me to lay off, I gave him that chance and he didn't use his time wisely.

Have you considered the possibility he has oppositional defiant disorder?

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a child with ADHD but my kids have friends who do. There have been many times parents did not allow child to come to activity or play date until child finished his work. DD has a friend who came to our party at the very last 10 min when most people already left. Their day sounded ugly with huge tantrums and throwing things.

I personally would let my child attend the activity or party and let them catch up after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this punishment is completely fine but you need to have warned him and told him that’s what’s it’s going to be. Always be 100 percent clear what the consequence will be and have them repeat it back to you so you know they processed it. And then follow through.

In this situation I would probably let him go on the ski trip, have a full reset when he gets back, air it all out, and come up together with a plan of what you’re going to do. Which means both of you agreeing next week, the ski trip is on the line.

Thank you. I did point out all week what assignments were missing and that his weekend plans were on the line.

I think your last paragraph really resonates with me. I'll give that a thought.

This was me who posted already.

I think a lot of times it feels like we can’t go back on what we said or undo something. That it shows weakness or lack of resolve or in the future the kid won’t listen to anything we say. I have struggled with this. I think sometimes it is okay if we have more time to think and we made a mistake, we are accountable and we go back and fix it. If we do this with openness and transparency, we model that behavior for them and in the end it just makes the relationship stronger and these issues become easier to navigate in the future. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

But sometimes you DO have to hold the line. If the OP was warning him and he was ignoring it, I think it would have been okay for her to talk to him that week and say “I really don’t want you to miss the ski trip, and I feel like that’s where we’re going. I’m willing to bend if you meet me halfway. What is realistic?”

But that has to be before, and so would the solutions. Like “I can make a list of all the missing assignments and get as many done as possible in two hours after dinner tonight” and then you both sit and do that is maybe a path to ski trip but “next week I will turn in everything” is not, because that is the very thing you are trying to help him stop believing/doing in the first place.

LOL. If I said this to my husband he would hear, "You get to go on the ski trip". It would be better to say thr history assignment that was due Dec 1 and pages 88-104 of your math homework will he turned over to me the night of Dec 15 for me to check for completeness otherwise there will be no ski trip".

[Anonymous]

I don’t think PPs appreciate that this isn’t a special trip. It’s an afterschool activity he does regularly for two months. I would totally tell my kids no for a night of ski club if they did not follow through on a more important commitment (ie schoolwork, chores they are expected to do) and needed to reclaim that time.

I think not letting him participate is appropriate - but it would have been much better handled if you laid out the expectations ahead of time and let him know it was coming. When he asked you to back off would have been the time to iron out expectations and consequences and opportunities to check in and change course… in a perfect parenting world. I can see why finding out day of would feel like rug was being pulled out under him, especially if he has felt like he has been trying.

I think you have an opportunity to do that now. Missing ski club tonight is fine and a logical consequence for not having made time for school work and he needs to know you’re not going to just tolerate that. But I would apologize to him for not more clearly laying out your expectations in advance, acknowledge that you understand why he is upset and you could also have done better, and brainstorm with him on a better system where you don’t need to be micromanaging him but he’s more aware of the consequences and can check in with you along the way.