Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Does any teen NOT have ADHD?! Good lord.

[Anonymous]

The consequence is fine. Sometimes being the parent means doing the thing that doesn’t feel good but if you always say “we should’ve just let him go” then you’re permissive and there’s never a consequence to an action. Saying “you had so many missing assignments that we can’t let you ski all weekend when you need to get caught up in order to be able to ski next weekend” is GOOD PARENTING. It’s just that good parenting doesn’t always feel good in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The consequence is fine. Sometimes being the parent means doing the thing that doesn’t feel good but if you always say “we should’ve just let him go” then you’re permissive and there’s never a consequence to an action. Saying “you had so many missing assignments that we can’t let you ski all weekend when you need to get caught up in order to be able to ski next weekend” is GOOD PARENTING. It’s just that good parenting doesn’t always feel good in the moment.

WELL SAID!

A lot of the parenting trends now are removing the resilience from our children. Add that to social media telling them all about their disorders and I feel like everyone is using it as an excuse instead of a roadblock we need to surmount. My anxious dd started following some girls with anxiety and she began to have different panic attacks. Ones that mimicked one of the girls she was following. If your teen reads this thread and only focus ones on the poster who keeps saying “well I wish punishments worked for me like it did the other people on this thread” instead of some who said “I have adhd and this is how I had to overcome the difficulties” then your teen will think it’s impossible for him too. We are highly suggestible beings.

He will get 0%’of the work done if he’s skiing and hanging out with friends. He’ll get SOME of the work done if he’s home and you have his phone and you won’t give it back until he does SOMETHING. He can’t have gotten all the way to high school with teachers who love him if his adhd was so severe that he couldn’t do anything at all. If he isn’t medicated or it isn’t working, then take him back to the doctor. But for now, op. You did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

If consequences and punishment worked, I would be the most focused, productive, organized adult around.

Instead I am still disorganized, unfocused and unproductive and instead of having memories of a good childhood like my siblings, I mostly have bad memories as I didn't get to do much as I was always in trouble - at home and at school. Making one child the bad child who misses out on everything isn't really the parenting win some of you think it is.

As a young adult I tried to deny myself anything good and focus all my time and energy to get more done and sure, I did get maybe 5% more done but at the expense of my physical and mental health.

Down the road I learned to accept myself for who I am. I will never be the organized, productive or focused one. And even though others will be better at that than me, I deserve to still enjoy life, to have good things in life and to not spend my time in self-loathing and being punished or criticized or consequenced continually for things that I can't control. I am not a bad person who should be punished throughout life because my brain functions differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If consequences and punishment worked, I would be the most focused, productive, organized adult around.

Instead I am still disorganized, unfocused and unproductive and instead of having memories of a good childhood like my siblings, I mostly have bad memories as I didn't get to do much as I was always in trouble - at home and at school. Making one child the bad child who misses out on everything isn't really the parenting win some of you think it is.

As a young adult I tried to deny myself anything good and focus all my time and energy to get more done and sure, I did get maybe 5% more done but at the expense of my physical and mental health.

Down the road I learned to accept myself for who I am. I will never be the organized, productive or focused one. And even though others will be better at that than me, I deserve to still enjoy life, to have good things in life and to not spend my time in self-loathing and being punished or criticized or consequenced continually for things that I can't control. I am not a bad person who should be punished throughout life because my brain functions differently.

Punishment is different than a reasonable consequence. You need to know the difference. Assuming every consequence = a punishment leads to lax, ineffective parenting.

[Anonymous]

Did taking away the trip cure his ADHD? What if he's just not an academic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If consequences and punishment worked, I would be the most focused, productive, organized adult around.

Instead I am still disorganized, unfocused and unproductive and instead of having memories of a good childhood like my siblings, I mostly have bad memories as I didn't get to do much as I was always in trouble - at home and at school. Making one child the bad child who misses out on everything isn't really the parenting win some of you think it is.

As a young adult I tried to deny myself anything good and focus all my time and energy to get more done and sure, I did get maybe 5% more done but at the expense of my physical and mental health.

Down the road I learned to accept myself for who I am. I will never be the organized, productive or focused one. And even though others will be better at that than me, I deserve to still enjoy life, to have good things in life and to not spend my time in self-loathing and being punished or criticized or consequenced continually for things that I can't control. I am not a bad person who should be punished throughout life because my brain functions differently.

Punishment is different than a reasonable consequence. You need to know the difference. Assuming every consequence = a punishment leads to lax, ineffective parenting.

People can consequence and take away whatever they want. My parents tried reasonable consequences, natural consequences, punishment, taking away x and y. None of it made any difference in how my brain worked. I have no issue with OP taking things away. Parents have to try what they can. I am just saying it might not lead to the desired outcome of a focused kid who gets all his work done and in on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did taking away the trip cure his ADHD? What if he's just not an academic?

What do you propose? Just throw your hands up and let him fail? Telling him to stay home so the parents can go through his assignments with him, see what he’s missing, and work with him to complete them is parenting!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

That is great. Sounds like maybe he doesn't really have adhd and was just lazy and choosing not to do his work. Glad for you all that a consequence works and he is able to choose to focus and be productive and get it all done without issue when he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If consequences and punishment worked, I would be the most focused, productive, organized adult around.

Instead I am still disorganized, unfocused and unproductive and instead of having memories of a good childhood like my siblings, I mostly have bad memories as I didn't get to do much as I was always in trouble - at home and at school. Making one child the bad child who misses out on everything isn't really the parenting win some of you think it is.

As a young adult I tried to deny myself anything good and focus all my time and energy to get more done and sure, I did get maybe 5% more done but at the expense of my physical and mental health.

Down the road I learned to accept myself for who I am. I will never be the organized, productive or focused one. And even though others will be better at that than me, I deserve to still enjoy life, to have good things in life and to not spend my time in self-loathing and being punished or criticized or consequenced continually for things that I can't control. I am not a bad person who should be punished throughout life because my brain functions differently.

I like your attitude. I am helping my college senior who often hates himself for not doing better and feels guilty for ever doing fun things even while he eliminated any extracurriculars or anything to burnish his resume in favor of putting his effort into his classes and his health accept the same thing. I do worry he won't be able to support himself though. Have you found a way to do that? And still enjoy life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

That is fabulous news, OP, thanks for the update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

Thanks for the feedback! Get into their Decision Cycle, it's hard...unless you get their attention, we all just sound like the parents in the peanut cartoons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

That is great. Sounds like maybe he doesn't really have adhd and was just lazy and choosing not to do his work. Glad for you all that a consequence works and he is able to choose to focus and be productive and get it all done without issue when he wants to.

Avoidance is a classic ADHD symptom. Calling these kids lazy is not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

That is great. Sounds like maybe he doesn't really have adhd and was just lazy and choosing not to do his work. Glad for you all that a consequence works and he is able to choose to focus and be productive and get it all done without issue when he wants to.

Avoidance is a classic ADHD symptom. Calling these kids lazy is not helpful.

Yes, terrible response.

OP, you did the right thing. Hang in there!