Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did taking away the trip cure his ADHD? What if he's just not an academic?

Huh? A neuropsych eval determined he has ADHD. So that's the problem here and he needs to be taught coping strategies and that there are consequences. Let me guess, based on your stupid remark, you neither have ADHD or a child with ADHD. Your comment isn't helpful or informed. But maybe you had fun posting it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does any teen NOT have ADHD?! Good lord.

You're not being helpful at all and it's obvious you are completely ignorant about ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to post an update, as the OP. First of all, I really appreciate all of the feedback. Parenting is hard!

I did text him mid-day and told him how much we love him and how we know how smart he is. I said we’re going to make a plan this weekend so we don’t have this issue in the future. He came home from school yesterday and gave me us the silent treatment. Fine. My husband apologized and said it’s never ok to get physical.

By dinner time he was doing work. By 8pm he came down and proudly told us he got four assignments done. By 9pm he was hanging out in the family room with us chit chatting. He did ask if he could see friends Saturday night, so clearly that was motivation to get stuff done tonight. I said we could revisit that Saturday after he completes more work.

No you can’t punish adhd out of a child, but not even opening his backpack all week is not trying, and that’s unacceptable. We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

That is great. Sounds like maybe he doesn't really have adhd and was just lazy and choosing not to do his work. Glad for you all that a consequence works and he is able to choose to focus and be productive and get it all done without issue when he wants to.

Next time you see someone in a wheelchair, tell them they are being lazy and choosing not to walk. You wank.

[Anonymous]

Anyway, today he has his weekly high school ski club Friday night trip. We told him last night that he couldn't go because he has too much missing work. He didn't take us seriously and then this morning when it was time to go to school, he tried to gather all of his ski stuff and go to the car. We said no. This back and forth went on for 10 mins and escalated.

I'm blown away at all the posters on this thread saying OP should have caved. OP didn't dole out this punishment the morning of the trip.

There was an ongoing problem (kid missing assignments).

Kid asked to handle it himself. Apparently failed at that.

OP noted this and enforced consequences *the night before*.

Kid tries to casually ignore her the next morning.

You folks are saying she should have just folded and said ok? Regardless of whether or not you support this type of punishment, prefer positive reinforcement, whatever, inconsistent discipline is a death knell with a teen. If I said no the night before, I'm not re-evaluating as we're getting in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We have an appt late in Feb for a new psych/therapist.

Good news

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anyway, today he has his weekly high school ski club Friday night trip. We told him last night that he couldn't go because he has too much missing work. He didn't take us seriously and then this morning when it was time to go to school, he tried to gather all of his ski stuff and go to the car. We said no. This back and forth went on for 10 mins and escalated.

I'm blown away at all the posters on this thread saying OP should have caved. OP didn't dole out this punishment the morning of the trip.

There was an ongoing problem (kid missing assignments).

Kid asked to handle it himself. Apparently failed at that.

OP noted this and enforced consequences *the night before*.

Kid tries to casually ignore her the next morning.

You folks are saying she should have just folded and said ok? Regardless of whether or not you support this type of punishment, prefer positive reinforcement, whatever, inconsistent discipline is a death knell with a teen. If I said no the night before, I'm not re-evaluating as we're getting in the car.

Are you the “good lord who doesn’t have adhd” poster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ski trip is weekly for January and February. So this will be one of 7 trips that he'll miss.

He was begging for me to back off a little, and so I needed him to try even if it meant that he failed.

This implies he didn’t try. He isn’t missing ALL assignments, just some. So he’s done 50% of his work. That’s trying.

No, 50% is a failing grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anyway, today he has his weekly high school ski club Friday night trip. We told him last night that he couldn't go because he has too much missing work. He didn't take us seriously and then this morning when it was time to go to school, he tried to gather all of his ski stuff and go to the car. We said no. This back and forth went on for 10 mins and escalated.

I'm blown away at all the posters on this thread saying OP should have caved. OP didn't dole out this punishment the morning of the trip.

There was an ongoing problem (kid missing assignments).

Kid asked to handle it himself. Apparently failed at that.

OP noted this and enforced consequences *the night before*.

Kid tries to casually ignore her the next morning.

You folks are saying she should have just folded and said ok? Regardless of whether or not you support this type of punishment, prefer positive reinforcement, whatever, inconsistent discipline is a death knell with a teen. If I said no the night before, I'm not re-evaluating as we're getting in the car.

I’m a high school teacher and I am NOT shocked at the responses on this thread because it lines up with what I see of my students and how they’re being raised. Op is the exception in her logical plan AND follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exercise is good for adhd so I think this was a bad consequence. Don’t cancel exercise

No. It wasn’t “exercise,” it was fun. If he needs exercise, he can lift some weights, do some push-ups or go for a run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine that he is missing this night of ski club. However, going forward, I would not have this as a consequence for not doing school work. It is important for kids with ADHD to get exercise and have things that they excel at. Ski club can be both for your son, which will be important for getting him through HS.

As to missing assignments, does your son have an IEP with a case manager? If so, do they have check-ins? If not, then perhaps have a set time once a week to check in with your son on his assignments.

At a certain point, we need to let our kids struggle and even fail. Let them experience the actual consequences of their actions or lack of actions with a lower grade. It won't be the end of the world.

He needs exercise. He does not need spoiled rich brat winter sport with his dude bro friends for exercise. That is a privilege that needs to be earned.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting all these replies that imply if you handled this better your child would not have blown up, or he is blowing up because you failed him or are too harsh.
Part of the problem with ADHD is that they blow up. (The rates of ADHD of people in prison are way higher than the average population.)
I think the fact that he pushed your husband (whether your husband provoked it or not) is a hard line and needs to be dealt with seriously no matter what else is going on. I would say not acceptable and he misses the ski trip. This is your son's life and future, missing the ski trip would be the least of my concerns.[/quote]

As to your first sentence, I don’t think that’s what people are saying and it’s a defensive and emotionally immature way of looking at it. Anyone should reflect on their role in a situation and contributing factors. That’s it. All the responses have been constructive.[/quote]

PP you are replying to. The point I am trying to make is that imagine it's not kid and his dad, but kid and a cop. Cop tries to take something from him, and he pushes the cop. Yeah, maybe both are somewhat at fault in therapy-world, but in the real world the cop is not reflecting on his actions and the kid is charged with assault.
The kid may have ADHD, and dad should not have physically taken the snowboard, but that is not an excuse for what the kid did, and he needs to understand that very clearly. And OP cannot blame herself/her husband anytime they have to discipline her kid. ADHD is tough to parent.
[/quote]

A parent is not analogous to a cop. [/quote]

You aren’t very bright, are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said in a follow up that the kid DID know he would lose this trip.

Oh, I didn't see that. I actually still can't find it but if op gave the kid a clear ultimatum and he still didn't do the work, then I'm 100% behind the parents here.

She said he was told weekend plans would be affected and it sounds like there are many weekend plans.

So? OP's kid is aware the ski trip is a weekend plan. It doesn't have to be THAT specific, he's not stupid. I think taking it away is 100% justified and if she gives in now, it's going to send entirely the wrong message. That's a really bad idea and why there are so many bratty kids who think that if they just throw a fit they'll get to go on their trip. It apparently works on many of you!

Don't be that parent, OP. It isn't fun sometimes, but you are doing the hard work to make him a responsible adult.

This. Imagine being a teenaged boy who physically PUSHED his father because he wasn’t getting his way and mom saying “oh, your poor baby, I’m so sorry, you can go tonight anyway.” Not only no, but HELL no.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m so glad it worked!

For those saying that your parents tried punishments and consequences and it didn’t “cure” your adhd so maybe he doesn’t have adhd…you’re absolutely missing the point. If the OP’s son was sitting down and TRYING to get his work done, but couldn’t focus. If OP’s son was going to teacher’s for help understanding because he couldn’t focus in class; I’m sure the op wouldn’t have taken away the field trip.

The empty promise of turning things in and then not following through was adhd avoidance plus teenager pushing boundaries. But sometimes an adhd person needs a very good reason to keep going.

Clearly the OP’s son could use some help somehow. Holding him accountable for his work and not allowing him a fun skip trip (with 6 other of them coming up in the next couple
Of months) worked.

The op made a smart move and everyone is different—stop taking your specific situation and getting defensive about it.

[Anonymous]

What you did is good. At this point he's old enough to be a failure with our without you. Some children are destined to be nothing and that's fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does any teen NOT have ADHD?! Good lord.

FCPS teacher here. I hate to say it, but many parents do seek out the ADHD label to give their teen boys to give them an edge (and an excuse). "Oh, he's very bright, but he has ADHD." In reality, ma'am, your son is perfectly average or slightly below average for this area and has stereotypical teen boy behavior. Will he perform better on medication? Of course, the medication curbs impulsivity and increases focus. And extra time on tests will help quite a bit as well!