DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

I don't believe you. If you thought this was the norm, or you wouldn't be asking about it.

You're getting those responses because more than likely they just read your 1st post. Re-read it. It's exactly how you came off. I've read you're other posts and understand your take more. As I alluded to (nicely) in a pp, it sounds like you're just grasping at straws to ensure your DH participates in this parenting thing. I do believe you're involved, but your DH is in serious denial what parenting is all about and what makes a marriage tick.

[Anonymous]

OMG, you both see your child as a "chore". HOLY CRAP, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? Guess what? You're parents now. Its not just a 'job' it is now your life. This is your life. Tme for yourself is history. Get used to it and make your child your priority. How's this: Each of you gets a 2-3 hours every other weekend. That's it. Everything else is family time. Man, why don't you just give up your child for adoption and let someone raise your child who wants to be with them?

I'm a PP - this post is ridiculous and hysterical (not in a funny way, but in a Chicken Little "the sky is falling!" way). Caring for an infant IS a chore lots of the time. If you're claiming it's all sunshine and roses, you're either just lying, or looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. And "Time for yourself is history" - that's healthy. People are happiest when they're content with themselves, their partners and their families. That means some alone time, some time with your spouse without kids, and family time. If you're content spendign ALL your non-workign time ONLY with your family, bully for you. But OP and her husband obviously wouldn't be, and a little balance is a good thing.

OP, I think your husband needs a wake-up call as far as his responsibilities as a husband father, and the two of you may need to adjust you expectations regardign how much free time you have, and how it is scheduled. But don't try to go to the opposite extreme and tether your self and your husband to your baby from 6:00 pm Friday to 7:00 am Monday. That's a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

Op, I agree. People are being harsh and a little wacky. It's not unusual to schedule "me" time and to have that issue be a point of contentilon. However, it does seem like your husband really needs to step it up. My DH and I bicker anout who is doing more but it's never more than bickering and he does an amazing amount with our 10mth old baby. I have no room to complain but still, I sometimes long for alone time. So I understand that need. What works for us is allowing each other to do what the other values the most. I enjoy going out to dinners, seeing friends, maybe grabbing a late drink--so I do that. In return, I let my DH go on his bike rides, play his sports on the mall etc. He wakes up early naturally so he does the early duty. I stay up late so I do things like laundry, pack lunches, make food, run to the grocery etc etc. It's taken us 10mths to get here so dont let these people make you feel bad. However, i do have to say I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with both my DH and my DD so we also do tons of that but we still make sure to allow each other alone time. I dont think it's that weird. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you don't seem to find anything wrong with the concept of this way of caring (or not) for your child and spending time (or not) with each other and as a family is the saddest part about this, imo. You posted looking for ways to improve your scheduling scenario and compliance (even sadder, if possible) and I think what you are seeing is that most people think this way of approaching parenting and family life is unhealthy for all, to put it as kindly as possible. Please seek professional help for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Your old life is gone and is not coming back. You both need to accept this and realize that weekends are now about your family and child. Going for a run or to the gym is one thing, but training for triathalons and bike races takes up way to much time when the kids are little. As you son gets older, he will require more and more attention. If you don't already, start hanging out with or making friends with other people who have kids. I found this was the best way to "assimilate" into my new life and come up with activities to do on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP -- it sounds as though DH is not doing his share and this schedule is a way to get him to realize he needs to pitch in now that he's a parent. Of course it's not a great way to go about resolving this issue, which is why the schedule is not working.

This is a power struggle between the OP and her DH. They need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OMG, you both see your child as a "chore". HOLY CRAP, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? Guess what? You're parents now. Its not just a 'job' it is now your life. This is your life. Tme for yourself is history. Get used to it and make your child your priority. How's this: Each of you gets a 2-3 hours every other weekend. That's it. Everything else is family time. Man, why don't you just give up your child for adoption and let someone raise your child who wants to be with them?

I'm a PP - this post is ridiculous and hysterical (not in a funny way, but in a Chicken Little "the sky is falling!" way). Caring for an infant IS a chore lots of the time. If you're claiming it's all sunshine and roses, you're either just lying, or looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. And "Time for yourself is history" - that's healthy. People are happiest when they're content with themselves, their partners and their families. That means some alone time, some time with your spouse without kids, and family time. If you're content spendign ALL your non-workign time ONLY with your family, bully for you. But OP and her husband obviously wouldn't be, and a little balance is a good thing.

OP, I think your husband needs a wake-up call as far as his responsibilities as a husband father, and the two of you may need to adjust you expectations regardign how much free time you have, and how it is scheduled. But don't try to go to the opposite extreme and tether your self and your husband to your baby from 6:00 pm Friday to 7:00 am Monday. That's a recipe for disaster.

For some of us, being happy is not always compatible with being a good parent. If your happiness needs are unhealthy for your children, then you must sacrafice some of your happiness for your children. Too many people use "being content with themselves" as justification for putting their needs/happiness above those of their children too often.

[Anonymous]

We don't really have a "schedule," but my husband generally gets up with the kids on Saturday morning and takes them to the farmers market/park/something fun while I sleep in, work-out, and have an hour or so to relax, and I generally do the same for him on Sunday mornings. The afternoons are generally spent as a family doing something fun or visiting friends. After the kids are in bed at night, one of us may go out with our friends while the other stays in, we stay in together and hang out or have people over, or we may get a babysitter and go out together. Just depends on the weekend and what is going on. We are VERY flexible though. We also do not have a schedule for the week. I tend to get home earlier so I do the majority of childcare during the week, and I always get the kids up during the week because I like to do so. If my husband is home though, we are both equally involved in getting the kids fed, bathed, and in bed.

I think people are being a little harsh. I think it is natural to want some adult time and I know a lot of couples who work together so that each person gets some time to themselves (to golf or whatever it may be). However, I do think it is important that you both learn to enjoy time as a family and refrain from operating solely via "shifts."

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a little surprised at the tone of the responses, some of which seem to be bordering on hysterical. The truth is that everyone has some sort of arrangement with their spouse about who does what and when regarding all the details of family life (childcare, kiddie activities, school pickup/dropoff, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning.) Many of us are pretty informal about it, but almost every family I know has a deal where each parent gets to sleep in a bit for one day each weekend. (I don't have this but don't really mind.)

hat said, your arrangement does sound pretty rigid, and I don't quite get why both parents are treating what presumably a much-wanted child as a hot potato to be tossed to the next person as quickly as possible. And your posts aren't exactly saturated with love for your child (although I'm figuring that's not deliberate.) But my opinions about your parenting arrangements don't really matter. What matters is that YOU aren't happy with this block-scheduling of the parental responsibilities. So you need to figure out a new way to handle things together with your husband.

I can't give you a magic formula. Every family I've ever met does things a little differently based on their temperment, activities, income, living situation, and so on and so on. And lots of us women (even those of us who work outside the home) take on the larger share of the parental load than is strictly fair if you approach things on a tit-for-tat basis. So there may not be a perfect arrangement, but there should be something that is perfect for you. Here's where both you and your husband start, though - with what is best for your child. Everything else, including his biking and social events and your alone time, comes second to that. That's the responsibility of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

I could understand this better if you were talking about scheduling free time instead of scheduling child care. When it us not alone time you should be working together to figure out what needs to be done. Doesn't sound like your husband is good at that which is why you may need to see someone. Reasonable free time varies by family but I think each person having 2-3 hours per WEEK (one evening or morning for example) is reasonable, not what your husband takes.

[Anonymous]

Hello -

I have never heard of a schedule like this, but I think that the poster who suggested that you keep track of free time has the right idea if you are worried that it is not going to be fair. I also think you should seek some counseling to figure this out before you start to resent him and before your child iis older and understands what is going on, or you have another.

My husband and I are both professional (although until recently I was a stay at home mom) with the same amount of education (I actually have a little more thanmy husband). Our jobs are equally busy and we make similar amounts of money. We have similar responsibilities at work as well.

I would say that I am primarily responsible for the home and the kids and I would not have it any other way. It takes a lot of planning and pre/after work prep, but I am happy to do it. I also have help. We do not keep track of who does what with regards to the children. I plan and make all their meals, schedule their activities and am the primary contact for our caregiver. I wake up at night with them and put them to sleep in the evenings, although my husband helps with bathtime and dinnertime. Yes, there are some days where I think it is not fair, but, in my opinion, it is never going to be fair. My husband is wonderful and helps out as much as he can, but it will never be even. The role of mother is different than father..I see this as a reality. The best thing you can do is find yourself an outlet or if you can afford it, some help. I have accepted that my life will never be the same (and am happy about that) and gladly put my children's needs before mine. That is what my mom did (as well as my mother in law) and that is what I do. Honestly, my husband and I have the opposite argument - especially when I was at home that I did not do enough for myself and was losing who I was in being a mother!

I am sure you will figure it out.

Best of luck to you -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

If you are doing bath and bedtime, your DH should be fixing dinner. That's how we did it in our house. One of us cooked while the other took care of DC (now we all eat together so not so much an issue, but we still trade off doing dishes/cleaning up and bath/bed!) I agree that too often we as women are expected to just suck it up and deal. Talk with your DH and say if the schedule is too rigid, what does he suggest that you do in order to insure an equal division of kid/house duty and free time? It sounds like your DH goes out with his friends quite a bit. What if you went out on a week night with your girl friends once in a while? My DH is great about giving me time to myself when I need it so we've never had to come up with a "schedule". DD is also three so is more self sufficient and can play by herself for short periods of time. We have another one on the way and I know I'm going to have to get used to not having ANY free time again. . .sigh. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:12 - thanks for the advice. Can I ask -- without a schedule, how do you decide who gets up in the morning with your child/ren? DS gets up way earlier than we do, and so one of us sleeps in for a couple hours while the other gets up with DS. This is true for weekdays and weekends. Do you both get up at 6am?

We generally all get up at the same time. If DH doesn't get up, I make him But we also always got up to get DD and put her in our bed. She would sometimes sleep for a little while longer or play with stuff on the bed. When she got older she just started bringing her puzzles or legos into our room to play with on the floor while dozed for another half hour or so.

Actually, DH has let me sleep in once in a while and I, him. Especially if one of us had a late night or wasn't feeling well. I have friends who have a system where one person gets to sleep in on Saturday and the other on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could understand this better if you were talking about scheduling free time instead of scheduling child care. When it us not alone time you should be working together to figure out what needs to be done. Doesn't sound like your husband is good at that which is why you may need to see someone. Reasonable free time varies by family but I think each person having 2-3 hours per WEEK (one evening or morning for example) is reasonable, not what your husband takes.

I agree that about 2 hours per person per week is about right.

[Anonymous]

I could understand this better if you were talking about scheduling free time instead of scheduling child care. When it us not alone time you should be working together to figure out what needs to be done. Doesn't sound like your husband is good at that which is why you may need to see someone. Reasonable free time varies by family but I think each person having 2-3 hours per WEEK (one evening or morning for example) is reasonable, not what your husband takes

I agree with this 100 percent. DH and I each have 2-3 hours of free time per week, and we are pretty flexible about letting the other take that time when they want to.