DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

It sounds like he already gets a lot of time to himself, IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP I stopped reading the replies. I think pretty much everything has been said but I'll add this:

My husband makes biking a part of his daily routine. He gets up at 5:00 am to do it. He's home and in the shower by 6:00. Our son wakes up at 6:30. I work out during my lunch hour. I do yoga DVDs after my son is asleep. It's not even on the table for us to take regular time to do something like work out during family hours.

We are desperate for time as a family. I wouldn't dream of doing something away from my family on the weekends most of the time. We go to the park or the indoor gyms. We go out to family friendly restaurants (usually a disaster). We get together with friends with their kids and chase them all around someone's backyard while drinking beer and cooking hotdogs. We take bike rides around the capital with DS in the bike seat. That is our weekends. Pretty much every weekend. When one of us has something to do away from the family, we are usually pretty sad about it and desperate to get back.

We go grocery shopping together and someone runs errands while our son has his naps, but we're all together when he wakes up. We take family walks to the dry cleaners and the post office, where they know our son's name. As much as possible, we make everything a family activity because during the week, we just never see each other.

About once a month, each of us goes out. Usually with other parents, usually in the hood, to have "grown up time" separately. My husband does Monday night football with other dads. I have a monthly game/wine night with other moms. About once a month we get a sitter and go out together. Once a week we take the night off together in the house and just talk and drink wine and reconnect.

I mention all these things because this is how it should work. Or some semblance thereof. You and your husband should want to be together and do things that make it so that you're together.

If your husband wants to work out, he should have to do it during a time where he won't miss your child. Otherwise, you should all go for a bike ride as a family. If he needs adult time alone, he should definitely take it. But once a month is a more reasonable frequency. The point SHOULD be that your family (all three of you together) is what you want to be doing more than anything else in the world. I hope you both find that OP.

[Anonymous]

i didn't read the responses but here's my take. what's weird to me is that you never seem to spend time together as a family. my DH and i both work and we have a 6-month old. we hang out in the early evenings (615-715ish), then bathe him together, then DH washes bottles etc while i feed the baby and put him to bed. on weekends we spend most of the day together, and try to give each other an hour or two of free time per day to do whatever - exercise, read, chill etc. we alternate who gets up with the baby in the mornings (my DH is also an athlete and on his mornings he runs after he feeds the baby).

i think it's really weird that your DH goes out that much - beers with a group of guys for an extended period on weekend afternoons? and i also think it's very weird that you don't spend time together as a family.

your son will realize he's a chore to you guys.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I hate to be the voice of dissent but I think that it is normal for people in a couple to want to spend some time alone/by themselves/with friends. I have a healtthy relationship with my husband and we do one or two date nights a week after the kids go to bed -- dinners, movies, walks, etc. But in addition we try once a week (after putting the kids to bed) to also go out with friends either separately or as a couple.

I disagree with people who say "get used to it/you have a kid now/you are not entitled to time to yourself" etc..... I would go crazy having the same monotonous routine each weekend. I absolutely LOVE time with my kids and ADORE them but once they are in bed there is no reason to stay home and be a home body at home, IMO, if you can afford to budget for regular babysitting. I realize this is a luxury that not everyone has -- but we don't have a car or any fancy electronics - and our "luxury" is a walk outside as a couple and time to decompress.

IMO it is unnatural for a couple to spend 100% of their time together. But, then again, that is just me and each couple is different..... I am a better wife/mother having space for myself and to continue to foster my own passions: running and yoga on the weekends, creative arts, etc.... and am truly ON and happy when I am with my kids....

So, I like your schedule idea....if it means you can have time to pursue your individual passions..... as long as you are using the schedule to foster your passions and not to control the other person or "get even" etc....