DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

OP again - sorry to keep posting so much, but I thought folks would see a contradiction in my posts. DH will bike during "his" times -- either 8am-2pm or 2pm-to evening. I'm either at home or running errands with DS during these times.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you and your husband need to get your heads out of your butts before your son begins to understand that the time that is spent with him is looked at as a burden. Even though you see it as trying to be fair and not assume more than your share of the responsibility, I'll bet that it won't feel that way to your child.

Like I initially suggested, you should pitch the schedule. Seriously, I've never heard of scheduling parental duties like that. I know that you want some time for yourself and so does your husband. That's completely natural and totally normal, but scheduling that way just doesn't seem like a good solution.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're wrong to want fairness and to ensure that you don't wind up with the brunt of the childcare, but I also don't think your DH is wrong to say the current system isn't working for him and he wants a set up with more flexibility.

One suggestion - instead of a schedule of 'time', how about just keeping track of your free time and making sure that evens out? And to start, I would just track TRUE free time - i.e. if one of you is on childcare, but the other is running errands, taking care of taxes / bills, doing housework, that's not truly 'free' time. You may still need to discuss the actual division of labor at one point, but I think that's a different issue then ensuring the decreased amount of true free time is evenly distributed between partners.

And I would also try to be generous. You say DH is more social, so if he wants to go out with friends after DS in in bed and you're at home doing your own thing, I wouldn't count that in the time tally since it's not really extra work for you if you want to be at home anyway. However, if you're in a period where DS is waking frequently and your time at home is stressful with lots of settling, then that would of course count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you and your husband don't do anything together on weekends and you both view spending time with your kid as time spent babysitting that you don't enjoy?

Can you see why this dynamic sucks and is going to make your kid feel like crap once he is old enough to understand what is going on. How about all three of you do some stuff together as a family? That should be the focus of your weekend...then when you each need to do something take it as it comes up.

Totally agree.
Start doing things as a family. Start acting like a team with your DH, not his employer. Reserve "childcare" for the week when you're at work.

I like free time too. But I don't get it every weekend and that's okay. When I need is, I get it. Same with DH.

[Anonymous]

13:12 - thanks for the advice. Can I ask -- without a schedule, how do you decide who gets up in the morning with your child/ren? DS gets up way earlier than we do, and so one of us sleeps in for a couple hours while the other gets up with DS. This is true for weekdays and weekends. Do you both get up at 6am?

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that if you don't schedule time for yourself, you feel like you won't get it and you'll be spending time parenting your child while your DH does all the fun exciting things he does.
You just need to get some activities on your schedule. Then you communicate with your DH. It goes like this, "I have bookclub on Thursday night. You need to be responsible for DS."

[Anonymous]

Ok, I get it more OP. Still think that you and your husband need to see a counselor, pronto.

He is the one not being at all fair, with the after work outings and training for the bike thing. You have a little baby. He is married, that is crazy. But also pretty common.

I think you want him to spend more time with you and baby and you are getting pushback. So you have gotten into tit for tat bean counting to try to get some power/say. Also super common. He is still blowing you off. This is not ok. Either the 3 of you become a family or you split. I don't think you see your son as a burden, it's more the way you are trying to work out what I think is probably a long standing dynamic with DH. Yes?

And there is no reason he can't be "social" with his wife and child. How much has his life really changed? Counseling or you will end up divorced. Please don't have any more kids until this is worked out, it doesn't help, from my experience. DH needs to man up and become a real dad and partner. You going out for happy hour on his "on" nights isn't realy the solution.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:12 - thanks for the advice. Can I ask -- without a schedule, how do you decide who gets up in the morning with your child/ren? DS gets up way earlier than we do, and so one of us sleeps in for a couple hours while the other gets up with DS. This is true for weekdays and weekends. Do you both get up at 6am?

We do alternate who sleeps in each weekend. Up by 8:30 though. DC gets up at 6:30 and we treat as fun quiet time with mom or dad.

OP, it sounds like you feel DH just isn't pitching in. So you forced a schedule on him to make it black & white. To be blunt, parenting is not black & white and neither is a marriage. Talk to him. He needs to pull his weight too, but not because of a clock.

[Anonymous]

I totally get where you're coming from, OP. We don't have a schedule per se, but we try to be conscientious about checking in with each other before scheduling any "me" time (whether that "me" time is social activities or just I-want-to-go-to-the-bookstore-by-myself type of things). We sometimes explicitly trade off on weekend mornings, where one of us gets to sleep late one day and the other does the other day (although my husband likes to bring our DD in to "say good morning to Mommy" when I am sleeping late, which is really annoying because it wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep easily). Your husband sounds like he has one pretty time-consuming hobby and then some work-related social engagements. Maybe you both can be more ad hoc about scheduling, but check with each other first, and only schedule "me" things one day during the weekend. Nights he's home, you should get some time"off."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

OP this is kinda sad. It sounds like you and DH are very different people and that you are not that engaged with each other. That he goes and watches tv rather than playing with the baby or helping is troubling. I think that you really do need to get to counselling. You both have issues with fairness, but it's connection, intimacy and feeling like a priority, for you or DS that are missing from DH's schedule. The bike thing is a bad idea with such a young baby. If he is out socializing for work 2 nights per week and commutes, that is his free time, plus maybe every other weekend a few hours. He should WANT to be hanging with you guys, you can't force him into it. Not sure if it's jus incompatibility, immaturity, intimacy issues or what but you can't just let this go on. How were things before the baby? How long have you been married? Do you have friends with babies? That helps. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

If your DH wants more flexibility as to WHEN his free time is, then I understand that. If he's just using flexibility as a proxy to get MORE free time, though, that's a little crappy. And he may just need to get a clue in one other respect - he has a kid now, and things change. Spending 8 hours a weekend "training" and hanging out in bars with his buddies isn't exactly compatible with fatherhood. I get that exercise is important, and people don't want their lives to change post-child, but he needs to be realistic. This isn't squeezing in an hour 4 times a week to get to the gym - maybe the race needs to be postponed for a year or two. I'm a DH, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you and your husband don't do anything together on weekends and you both view spending time with your kid as time spent babysitting that you don't enjoy?

Can you see why this dynamic sucks and is going to make your kid feel like crap once he is old enough to understand what is going on. How about all three of you do some stuff together as a family? That should be the focus of your weekend...then when you each need to do something take it as it comes up.

THIS!!!

OMG, you both see your child as a "chore". HOLY CRAP, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? Guess what? You're parents now. Its not just a 'job' it is now your life. This is your life. Tme for yourself is history. Get used to it and make your child your priority. How's this: Each of you gets a 2-3 hours every other weekend. That's it. Everything else is family time. Man, why don't you just give up your child for adoption and let someone raise your child who wants to be with them?

[Anonymous]

I said it was bizarre but now I see it as sad. Your dh needs to step up but it doesn't sound like your schedule is working. I agree with the counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

Yes. It seems like your dh thinks he's still single and/or childless. Most fathers I know do not go out more than 1x a month. And weekend 'training'? Not with an infant. Hanging out every weekend with the guys? Nope. Your dh needs to be clued into the marriage and fatherhood lifestyle cuz this ain' it.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work outside the home? I think I may have different advice if I knew that.