DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds weird to schedule that way to me. Do you really each need that much "free time" away from family? I really enjoy spending time with both DH and DS (who is also 8 months) when we aren't working. I think it would make it feel like a chore to spend time with my child the way you have it set up. Should be fun, not something you guys have to cover in shifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre. I am speechless.

I agree with this. Is your kid really such a burden?

WTH?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- I work outside the home. thx.

[Anonymous]

The only 'schedule' we've ever had was when our children were not sleeping thru the night and we took turns getting up with them and for a while when as toddlers they were waking up at 4:30-5am. This is very, very odd, OP. The amount of time your dh spends watching tv, socialilzing/happy hours/'work dinners' and biking is way over the top, too. I suggest counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you and your husband need to get your heads out of your butts before your son begins to understand that the time that is spent with him is looked at as a burden. Even though you see it as trying to be fair and not assume more than your share of the responsibility, I'll bet that it won't feel that way to your child.

Like I initially suggested, you should pitch the schedule. Seriously, I've never heard of scheduling parental duties like that. I know that you want some time for yourself and so does your husband. That's completely natural and totally normal, but scheduling that way just doesn't seem like a good solution.

I agree with this.

I also think that the biking/several hours of solo time for a parent, every weekend, is selfish. Your DH needs to understand that his life now isn't what it was a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do think what you're describing is unusual, OP.

My husband's job is demanding enough that when he simply does that and I do my job, I end up doing the majorit yof child care. That's ok by me.

We do have a "schedule" for the week -- who is responsible for delivering the child to and from child care. It's understood that if one of us needs to work late or see a friend or work associate, we do that on the other person's night (although it happens extremely rarely). As far as weekends are concerned, it is assumed that we are both spending time with each other and our child the entire day unless there is something else that needs to happen, or VERY rarely something by "choice" -- dinner with a friend or something. I cannot imagine both us having several hours during the day to ourselves each weekend day as a rule --- largely because it is more important to me that we all spend time as a family together than getting personal time.

It sounds like biking is very important to your husband. Is it possible for him to take a bike ride on weekend day with your child? My husband will someitmes take my son for a run which gives us both an hour or so of "solo" time.

I do agree that counseling may be needed. It sounds like you both view child care as a burden and may value time to yourselves too much at this phase in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is bizarre. I am speechless.

I agree with this. Is your kid really such a burden?

WTH?

Ditto. WTF??!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

That is so sad, OP. Why do you divide evenings at home into "my" time and "his" time? Why on earth aren't you together, enjoying each others' company after having been gone all day?

Please get help asap.

[Anonymous]

Are you the first couple in your groups of friends to have children? (are most of your friends childless?) Are you a young couple?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

OP, you and your friends who have this kind of arrangement to ensure yourselves maximum time away from your spouse and child, I assure you, is not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- enough with the "WTF"s! Jesus, people, I'm asking an honest question. Lots of my friends with kids have schedules similar to mine - I honestly thought it was the norm.

If this is the norm in your circle of friends, then you and your friends are going to have some seriously f-d up kids.

[Anonymous]

Do their DH's spend the majority of non-working time away from the family as well? For most people, working and commuting are the bulk of their solo time. He socializes plenty as work related stuff. Why is the biking such a priority right now?

What were things like before the baby was born? Did you talk about your lives changing?

It must really hurt to feel like biking is more important than you and your child I would think.

OP this is so sad for you and for your baby. Please call someone for an appointment. I agree that a family therapist might be best, since this directly involves your son and your adjustment to being a family. You are treating your child and your family like it is dusting or cleaning the bathroom. You both have some stuff going on and need to learn to work it out. Best.

[Anonymous]

Did you plan this child? Wondering why, if you wanted to continue with your previous lifestyle (particularly your dh), you had a child in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

That is so sad, OP. Why do you divide evenings at home into "my" time and "his" time? Why on earth aren't you together, enjoying each others' company after having been gone all day?

Please get help asap.

This. I so look forward to being with my DH and sons at the end of the workday. I can't imagine handing a child to my spouse and going to watch TV.

OP, you and your DH need help, and you need to reexamine the choices you are making. Your choices are all about being *apart* from each other, and away from your child. Is this really what you want?