DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted earlier and have kept reading this thread with a bit of amazement. There are so many armchair therapists on DCUM! I can't believe the number of people who are declaring that your marriage is on the rocks etc... despite the fact that all they know about you is the couple of sentences you've written here. PPs, please explain how you can determine if a couple has "intimacy issues" based on a couple of anonymous postings to a website?

On the plus side, there's also been a lot of good advice and suggestions about what works for others, which is hopefully useful to you. The fact that you haven't told any of us to jump in a lake (particularly the more sanctimonious PPs) would seem to indicate you're a pretty tolerant person. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is a biker, too. I understand. It's a hobby that takes a lot of time. A few suggestions:
1. Get a trainer for his bike so he doesn't have to leave the house to bike. He can ride during naps or early AM or late PM.
2. Divide up evenings: one must cook or clean up while the other does bed/bath.
3. Get a trailer and yourself on a bike and make one weekend morning family bike time.
4. One race a year. Period. Then he can it aside training the other 10 months and enjoy it as exercise, not competition.
5. Please figure out some regular activities for yourself and begin doing them. Let Dh learn how to become - and enjoy - being a father tohis son.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I do think that somone who spends the bulk of his off work time out of the house doing intensive biking with friends or partying with colleagues is not committed to his wife and child. When the same guy watches tv in another part of the house unless mandated to hang with wife and kid on one of his few nights home, that is not someone invested in spending time with them. When that same guy fills in some of the few remaining hours together as a family by having friends over, then I do think that there are intimacy issues. He is avoiding intimacy with his wife and child by filling his time with other activities and people.

When OP says that she can't imagine the 3 of them spending most of their off time together as a family, and that that realization makes her feel sad, I'll wildly speculate that there isn't a huge amount of intimacy in their marrriage. She confirmed that he watches a lot of tv when they are alone together and that she feels lonely. She is trying to force him to engage as a family man with the schedule, the issue isn't that she needs whole days by herself. There was no mention of couple time, instead that he watches tv when they are alone together or invites friends over, or goes out biking or with colleagues. This is not a man comfortable with a close connection with his wife. I think for a lot of people busy schedules, travel, etc, hides this stuff and when the family unit doesn't really come together it gets hard to ignore. OP doesn't just need scheduling ideas, OP needs a DH who wants to have her and their baby as the center of his life, as reflected in how he spends his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I do think that somone who spends the bulk of his off work time out of the house doing intensive biking with friends or partying with colleagues is not committed to his wife and child. When the same guy watches tv in another part of the house unless mandated to hang with wife and kid on one of his few nights home, that is not someone invested in spending time with them. When that same guy fills in some of the few remaining hours together as a family by having friends over, then I do think that there are intimacy issues. He is avoiding intimacy with his wife and child by filling his time with other activities and people.

When OP says that she can't imagine the 3 of them spending most of their off time together as a family, and that that realization makes her feel sad, I'll wildly speculate that there isn't a huge amount of intimacy in their marrriage. She confirmed that he watches a lot of tv when they are alone together and that she feels lonely. She is trying to force him to engage as a family man with the schedule, the issue isn't that she needs whole days by herself. There was no mention of couple time, instead that he watches tv when they are alone together or invites friends over, or goes out biking or with colleagues. This is not a man comfortable with a close connection with his wife. I think for a lot of people busy schedules, travel, etc, hides this stuff and when the family unit doesn't really come together it gets hard to ignore. OP doesn't just need scheduling ideas, OP needs a DH who wants to have her and their baby as the center of his life, as reflected in how he spends his time.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THIS. THIS. THIS.

Wow, I'm flattered, blushes.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is really common and can definitely lead to divorce. You need to get to a counselor (I think family therapist would be best, they will take a look at your families or origin and will factor in DS in a way that a marriage counselor may not). You also need to get your DH into some social circles where his choices are not the norm so they aren't always being reinforced. When he is with the guys at happy hour and biking, it's not a reality check that most DH and DF spend a lot of time with their family.

OP, it's not just you, it's a lot of him, but you guys need to turn this around. If not, this will be your life, or more commonly, you will divorce. You both owe it to your DS to at least try to learn better ways to communicate and connect. In the meantime, line up a sitter and go out on a weekly date after bedtime. See what happens, talk about the feelings you each have adjusting to parenthood. Get at some of the stuff motivating the behaviors that you are trying to manage with the schedule. Talk about why fairness is so important. Talk about your dreams for your son and your family. If things feel a bit tense, go see a movie.

Best to the 3 of you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- DS is napping and DH is biking. I have a friend coming over (with kid) to go out for a walk this morning. Thanks for all the advice to everyone. I have lots to consider and think about. I had my DH read through the posts (when it was at about 4 pages long) and we had a good conversation about issues. I think the solo TV at night really does make me sad, and someone asked if I could imagine spending 90% of our time together as a family. Honestly, I can't, and that makes me sad, too. We married, had a child, and moved to the 'burbs in our late 30s, and so our adjustment to a non-urban, non-traveling, more "settled" life is hard for both of us, I think. The biking is important to DH, and I can't ask him to stop. It keeps him healthy and sane, and I want to encourage it. But, I do want him to be more engaged with us as a family when he is home and to spend more time intentionally doing fun activities as a family, rather than just running errands or hanging out with other friends. Thanks again.

I think you need to work as a couple to figure out how you can best prioritize your needs as individuals and as a family. No one (a counselor, a friend, or the Mighty DCUM Gods and Goddesses ) can determine that for you.

Once you have those defined as a couple, then you can use time management tools to better manage the priorities. You will likely need to master the use of these tools (especially when the kids' birthday party circuit and classes/sports leagues comes into play).

It might be time to dust off the Covey book.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_management

[Anonymous]

With all due respect PP, isn't the fact that they DON'T work together as a couple the problem? No tricks from business school can fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that just because something works for them, people seem to think it should be mandated for everyone else. If 2-3 hours of "me" time a week works for you, good for you! But there's no rule that says everyone has to follow this.

yes, but i think it's clear that the current situation (with each partner clinging to hours of alone time) clearly ISN'T working for the OP. Hence the suggestion (by many people) that a more traditional arrangement of more family time might be an idea.

But 2-3 hours isn't the magic solution that everyone should abide by, as several posters have suggested.

[Anonymous]

No one has said that a few hours a week of alone time is a magic solution, just that is about what most people can expect if they also want to have time with their spouse and children and time alone with their spouse. I think what is striking everyone is that op's husband does not seem to want those things.

[aprilmayjune]

I didn't read all of the responses.. When I was working, I couldn't WAIT to get home to my family.. Now I'm a SAHM, and I look forward more to family time than the opportunity for me time (though every few weeks I definitely make sure to take some of that too..)

after 8 months, you would think that you both might have started to understand the vast life changes that occurred... It really concerns me that your child is such a chore for both of you.. Your lack of time to yourself is in no way your child's fault, and he should never be treated like a chore when you chose to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all due respect PP, isn't the fact that they DON'T work together as a couple the problem? No tricks from business school can fix that.

19:51 here -- and yes, that is my point:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to work as a couple to figure out how you can best prioritize your needs as individuals and as a family.

[Anonymous]

I think the scheule is fine just don't be rigid about implementation. Also from one weekend to the next, flip the early and late shifts and leave some time every weekend as unscheduled when you are both usually home or doing family stuff together.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Get to a counselor ASAP!

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier with tips from our family. But then I showed the thread to my husband. He said 15:03 hit it on the head, and that he'd known plenty of men like that, most of them divorced.