DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier with tips from our family. But then I showed the thread to my husband. He said 15:03 hit it on the head, and that he'd known plenty of men like that, most of them divorced.

This.

OP, you can't turn this around with lists. I'd find a good family therapist (likely to have toys for the baby to play with) and see if he is willing to change and grow into a husband and family man. If not, and I don't mean this to be harsh, the adjustment to divorce will not be all that great. You do not need to live like this. You still have time to build a happy life for you and your son and possiblly a new partner some day. You can't make someone change, but you can help set the stage and see what happens. There is no worse feeling than feeling lonely in your marriage. You shouldn't have to compete with exercise. I really wonder if he is using the exercise to manage moods or bad feelings given the intensity. If so, that needs to be addressed. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you and your husband need to get your heads out of your butts before your son begins to understand that the time that is spent with him is looked at as a burden. Even though you see it as trying to be fair and not assume more than your share of the responsibility, I'll bet that it won't feel that way to your child. Like I initially suggested, you should pitch the schedule. Seriously, I've never heard of scheduling parental duties like that. I know that you want some time for yourself and so does your husband. That's completely natural and totally normal, but scheduling that way just doesn't seem like a good solution.

Coming in here late, but respectfully, you're wrong. Perhaps *you* feel like time spent with your child is burden, best shared, with no external activities allowed, but that doesn't have to be the case. DW and I alternate getting up in the mornings, alternate putting DC to sleep at night, and on weekends, she gets the first and third Saturdays off. I get the second and fourth Saturdays off. Sunday is family day. If something "special" comes up, one or the other of us will sacrifice the Saturday.

Frankly, time with DC is fantastic, is made *more* special by the fact that it's not 24/7 and some sort of unrelenting slog. Many of our friends have similar arrangements. But it requires a lot of respect, communication, and, yes, flexibility. If you're constantly suspicious you're getting fucked over, it ain't gonna work.

[Anonymous]

wasn't this thread on the General Parenting board last night?

[Anonymous]

Those are the 2 docs with the imploding marriage I think. Very similar tale but no biking and stingy DH.

[Anonymous]

If hubby doesn't enjoy spending time with his wife and kid, not much that can be done. Some men think they can still live like they are single w/o kids despite being married fathers. Sadly this is a change that must come from within, not be imposed from outside.

I had to give up some things once my kid arrived. Maybe a little bit unwillingly, but I did it because my wife and kid were more important. No I don't miss them as much as I thought I would, and I am able to find new things to fill up my time with in more kid-appropriate time slots.

As for the schedule, kids will go through mommy phases and daddy phases. Not all equal sized time periods are equal.

For example, if "Daddy Saturday" is spent playing outside, having fun inside, etc., and "Mommy Sunday" is spent with a cranky over-tired kid, of course Mommy is going to get annoyed.

Both parties just need to accept that some things will get done mommy's way and others daddy's ... and not to browbeat the other about minor deviations from the "ideal."

I find it helpful to just leave the room when my wife is doing things with my DD ... otherwise I get bored and the temptation to "help" is just too great. At the same time, my wife had to adjust to not having "moral support" right next to her. The arguments have reduced sharply on that front.

[Anonymous]

Hire the best divorce lawyer you can afford.

[Anonymous]

OP - I haven't gone through all the posts, but the ones I have read seem a little extreme to me.

I wouldn't throw the book at your DH yet. While I agree that at this point, it doesn't seem as though he is invested in family, your child is only 8 months old. Many many fathers have a hard time adjusting to family life especially when mommy is the primary caregiver for the first few months of a baby's life - especially if you breastfeed.

Not to say that you wouldn't benefit from counseling (b/c let's face it, most of us would) but I bet many of these problems will resolve themselves when your 8 months old starts to walk and talk.

I'm of the mindset to drop the schedule as well. Honestly, Moms just do more of the child-rearing, especially during the early years. Infants/toddlers just want their mommies more than their daddies. I have a 4.5 yo, 2.5 yo and a newborn and more times than not, I do the early morning AND evening routines b/c it just goes smoother if I do. My kids want mommy (and yes, I work full time as well).

That said, there is nothing wrong with telling your DH that you need some free time yourself and scheduling it out with him. But I think this is different than a rigid schedule of "his time" and "your time".

[Anonymous]

But PP, the only time he spends time with the kid is when he is "on the schedule" otherwise he watches tv. He also watches tv during what should be "us" time and is out of the house quite a bit.

Agree with you that counselling seems like the way to go. This seems like a turning point for your marriage OP. He either engages with you and with the baby and as a family, or you need to think through whether you want this to always be your life. He may be struggling with feeling overwhelmed and distancing himself or he could just be a jerk. Time to find out, that is, if he is willing.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks again for all the advice. I'm still reading! I also think the divorce comments are WAY off the mark. I am committed to this marriage and am trying to find a way to have the marriage and the baby and my sanity. I'm confident there's a solution. DH is not a jerk -- just used to the "old" way and not very good at adapting to change. I did call my employer's EAP and have arranged for the three free counseling sessions, so hopefully this can start us down a better path. DH wasn't thrilled, but is willing to go.

BTW, this thread was on the general parenting Board originally -- i assume it was moved by the moderators to this Board. Took me a while to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a really great start, OP. Best to the 3 of you.

I particularly agree with the one race per year advice from the wife of a biker. He needs to spend some of that time with you and DS.

[Anonymous]

Coming late to the party, but I'll offer my perspective.

My DH was a serious cyclist before kids. His sacrifice was to ride only two hours each weekend day once we had kids. I try to get in a one hour run each weekend day. While we didn't have a "schedule," we alternated getting up with nightwakings and early morning wakings so the other could cadge at least a little sleep.

OP, you said you work as does your DH. That's true with us as well. What worked best for us was to take vacation time to spend time on personal hobbies and with friends, as well as couple time, while baby stays in childcare. That was really the only way in the early years we had any decent couple time or non-parent, non-work time.

I agree with several posters who say that you need to develop one or more interests that don't involve work or family. Your DH will have to pick up the slack. I will also say it's a constant struggle and you have to be blunt about your needs. Many men are not very intuitive about women's needs and to boot, they just take what they want and need without asking your permission.

Fight for your life!

[Anonymous]

OP - I share your pain and I would dare say this is unusual. But so is my situation. My husband never watches our DD on his own, for me to even ask him to do would seem odd. To boot, he gets plenty of "me" time, going off biking or hiking (sans the bar afterwards) with his friends. I drop off our DD before my (longer) work commute and my husband promised me at once my new commute started that he would help out by picking her up. After a week of picking her up, (just as i have been doing all along for two years) he started to complain about it and told me that we should move closer to the day care because it would be more convenient for "us". Never mind that when I picked her up, he never minded our location - about three miles from her day care. Ridiculous. I just went back to picking her up to shut him up about it.
Our division of labor has been an ongoing issue since we had the baby and I feel like I was somehow misled when he told me how much he wanted to be a father. He still acts like he is single and any time I try to point out that I am doing more than my fair share, he tells me I'm playing the martyr, blah, blah, blah... The worst part is that he begrudgingly agreed to a "family day" on Saturdays and he always manages to pick a fight so I will leave with the baby while he goes off to have a pleasant day on his own.
It sucks. I hope your situation has gotten better. Unfortunately, I have talked to a lot of the married ladies I work with and this is all too common.

[Anonymous]

PP - just wondering, what is the point of resurrecting this year-old post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - just wondering, what is the point of resurrecting this year-old post?

Because it's obviously an issue that resonates with people, you glassbowl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - just wondering, what is the point of resurrecting this year-old post?

The point is it's relevant to her and of interest to many. Sheesh.