DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

When we had just one, we would bring the baby into bed with us on weekends or early weekday mornings. We would snuggle and doze as much as we could. Sesame Street is very soporific, if you let it. Then we would all 'get up' at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I could understand this better if you were talking about scheduling free time instead of scheduling child care. When it us not alone time you should be working together to figure out what needs to be done. Doesn't sound like your husband is good at that which is why you may need to see someone. Reasonable free time varies by family but I think each person having 2-3 hours per WEEK (one evening or morning for example) is reasonable, not what your husband takes

I agree with this 100 percent. DH and I each have 2-3 hours of free time per week, and we are pretty flexible about letting the other take that time when they want to.

This only works if they how much 'other' time they want works out naturally. If one spouse always wants more than the 2-3 hours, then this doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that some of the pp are 'wacky' and 'hysterical'. I think these parents have some very serious issues with how they see their child, parenting and themselves as a family unit. While the concept of making sure each parent has a bit of time to themselves isn't odd, the extreme view of these parents is indeed 'wacky' and they indeed seem 'hysterical' about getting passing off the poor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the schedule is the problem. You have a baby now and you both need to roll with the punches. I haven't had free time in a long time. Get over it.

PP is right. You're the mother and, like it or not, you are the primary care giver. Welcome to parenhood.

[Anonymous]

parenthood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that some of the pp are 'wacky' and 'hysterical'. I think these parents have some very serious issues with how they see their child, parenting and themselves as a family unit. While the concept of making sure each parent has a bit of time to themselves isn't odd, the extreme view of these parents is indeed 'wacky' and they indeed seem 'hysterical' about getting passing off the poor child.

I don't understand which side you are taking.

[Anonymous]

This only works if they how much 'other' time they want works out naturally. If one spouse always wants more than the 2-3 hours, then this doesn't work.

Yeah, I agree to that to some extent. My husband usually wants a bit (although not a ton) more free time than I do, but I don't really mind. I like hanging out with DS, as long as we can go outside and he can work off his excess energy.

[Anonymous]

I can appreciate the desire to have "me" time. I'm a parent, too, so I really do get it. Believe me when I say this, OP. You're preaching to the choir. I really get it.

The bottom line, however, is that you and your husband are parents now. Free time is nice and all, but it is not something that is guaranteed and it is most certainly not something that is owed to you. You and your spouse have an obligation to raise your child first and foremost and nothing else can come before that. I'm sure you know that already, but here is something that maybe you don't know. You and your husband won't need to say to your child that he's resented if you both continue to put your own wants first. He'll be able to pick up on it through arguments and "me time" comments that aren't directed at him. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's need for a schedule is absolutely reasonable. It sounds like, without one, she'd be doing the majority of childcare while her DH is off on happy hours, work dinners and bike rides. That is more unfair than a schedule, imo.

I think the "get over it" comments should be directed toward her DH, rather than OP.

As for "me time" some people need more than other. So long as it is within reason, I see nothing wrong with that. It makes some people better parents. Sorry if some of you can't understand that.

[Anonymous]

The OP's question was "how do you do it?"

My answer is that we focus on our family first. We spend enough time away from each other during the week, we don't have time for daily personal pursuits. We value our family time.We occasionally do things solo but that is extremely rare.

As for the who gets up- we try to take care of each other. It's not a fight, it's not a checklist of who does what. I want him to be comfortable and he wants me to be comfortable. It's true, I end up getting up more than he does, but that's okay. I consider it as something that moms do. However he does his fair share.

That's what works for us but all this heavy scheduling sounds crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to start with how you feel about how DH chooses to spend his time. Then start with the needs of your son to bond with his parents and for his parents to have a strong relationship with each other, rather than with their bicycle. Go from there. I doubt that all parents from DH's work are going out for happy hour and dinner twice per week. When you cook and he watches tv how does that make you feel? Does he notice? Have you said anything?

You really need to get in front of someone and talk about this stuff. And your relationship. And your understanding of what being a parent means. If you can't get over it just being a chore, then your relationship is not right. Does how you and your DH choose to spend your time reflect making your family and child a high priority?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who think it's weird to have a schedule and split the time so rigidly and discuss time spent with your kid as 'child care'. Having said that, I totally understand the need to have 'me' time. In our household, we simply ask when the opportunity arises if the other minds handling dinner/bedtime alone, or a morning/afternoon alone so the other can go do whatever.

We also have some things that are recurring (book club, certain night out with friends, football, baseball, etc). For those, they are listed on our calendar in the kitchen. For the non recurring ones, we'll just ask, and we don't keep such strict tabs on who had more time off one week or another, we just try to wing it. I know there's been times one of us has felt like we were getting the shaft, but it seems to always even out, and I believe a schedule would be awful in our household.

Finally, I think both you and your DH need to accept the new reality that you have a kid and me time may not be as available, and there's lots of other things that need to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We do have a "schedule" for the week -- who is responsible for delivering the child to and from child care. It's understood that if one of us needs to work late or see a friend or work associate, we do that on the other person's night (although it happens extremely rarely). As far as weekends are concerned, it is assumed that we are both spending time with each other and our child the entire day unless there is something else that needs to happen, or VERY rarely something by "choice" -- dinner with a friend or something. I cannot imagine both us having several hours during the day to ourselves each weekend day as a rule --- largely because it is more important to me that we all spend time as a family together than getting personal time.

This very closely describes how we do things.

[Anonymous]

Us too.

I do know someone else who calls it "childcare" when she is alone with the kids but they have more of an even split, no 2+ nights out per week alone plus long hours training on a bike. She also has issues about fairness and women being imposed on. That is separate from the fact that your DH's choices are not cool, OP. What if you presumed that 90% of child awake time in the evening and on weekends would be spent together as a family. Can you even imagine that in the context of your family?

How many hours total does your husband spend exercising? How do you define the pool of time to be divided - do you get a bike offset or is it just what is left over when he doesn'y have a better plan for biking or happy hour? Actually divorced friends used to treat it that way. Being divorced works for them, time off/on is clearly delineated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the schedule is the problem. You have a baby now and you both need to roll with the punches. I haven't had free time in a long time. Get over it.

Amen.