Spin off: Young Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

Was it maturity, or was it that I was investing in my career? Because now I have a successful career with flexible hours and a large retirement account. I don’t see how I could have spent two years working in London and worked long hours while married. For me, getting married young would have meant putting all my eggs in one basket.

I am from an area where women marry young and outside of one doctor, I don’t know any of the women who still have successful careers. They have all either stayed home or had middling careers since they graduated college. Because they married young and their life became about supporting their husband in various ways instead of focusing on their own life.

It seems like the women I grew up with didn’t realize it’s a big world and they could forge their own path. They thought their only option was to hitch their wagon to a man.

One of the most successful women I know got pregnant our senior year of college. She married the summer before medical school and is a happily married doctor decades later.

I know another pediatrician mom of four who married at 28.

Multiple friends of ours married right out of law school and are working parents and together still today. Again, married mid 20s.

It’s odd to me that you don’t know any women with careers who married in their 20s.

Did she have family money? Getting knocked up and continuing on to medical school is highly unusual.

[Anonymous]

meh. I met my DH when I was 30 and he 36. We had our first when I was 34, second at almost 38. They are teens now, one in college.

Neither DH nor I were ready to be married or have kids in our 20s.

I have told my kids (DS and DD) to not get married too early, or at the least, don't have kids too early. Live your life and have a career first, including building up your finances. Once kids come, your life as you know it is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

None of this held true for us. We got our graduate educations, traveled and had a wonderful network of friends…while together. We didn’t purchase real estate until a decade had passed, found jobs on the same city without a problem.

Finding each other and committing early doesn’t prevent these things, you do them together.

We're elder millennials who met freshman year of college, started dating junior year of college, moved across the country to go to the same grad school, got married at 27, moved across the country again so I could go to law school, bought a house at 30, and had kids at 32 and 35. We really enjoyed our 20s and did tons of adventuring and had lots of independence, all while still being a couple. We stuck to major job markets so we both had lots of job options.

I don't think "living independently" means spending your 20s alone. It just means not living with your parents or getting married immediately at graduation (as my very religious college roommate was pressured to do). I also think most people date and couple up in their 20s, even if they don't say that they are "dating for marriage.". That's too much pressure when put that way, even if that's what people are doing practically. You can date with intention and look for your person without being weird about it. I certainly wouldn't have said that I was dating for marriage when I started dating my husband in college, but also didn't stay with losers or anyone who didn't treat me well and have ambition. I wasn't desperate for a boyfriend and cut loose guys who didn't meet my standards. I did get lucky and meet my person young, but created that opportunity by not being attached to the wrong guy (which many many women do in college and their 20s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:meh. I met my DH when I was 30 and he 36. We had our first when I was 34, second at almost 38. They are teens now, one in college.

Neither DH nor I were ready to be married or have kids in our 20s.

I have told my kids (DS and DD) to not get married too early, or at the least, don't have kids too early. Live your life and have a career first, including building up your finances. Once kids come, your life as you know it is over.

The women on here suggesting getting married at 25 simply don’t know any better. They missed out on their 20s.

Anyone who wants their daughter to get married at 25 and have kids is insane. You don’t want your daughter to get married and have kids at 25 for the same reasons you don’t want her to do so during high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:meh. I met my DH when I was 30 and he 36. We had our first when I was 34, second at almost 38. They are teens now, one in college.

Neither DH nor I were ready to be married or have kids in our 20s.

I have told my kids (DS and DD) to not get married too early, or at the least, don't have kids too early. Live your life and have a career first, including building up your finances. Once kids come, your life as you know it is over.

+100000

You have your entire life to focus on family.

Now that I’ve had two kids I can’t imagine sacrificing myself like this in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to hijack the early 20s marriage trend thread but as someone who met my husband at 30 and was married with a baby by 34, I WISH we’d met 10 years sooner.

But the thing is is you WOULDN'T have met him at 20yo. He wouldn't have been who he was at 30 and ready to settle down, etc. You would be with someone else if you really wanted to marry young.

That's why I always think it's funny to idealize meeting your spouse at a younger age. You would have met, being different people at 20 than 30, and may have dated but probably would have broken up for whatever reason.

Many of the qualities he had at 30 that made him a good partner he wouldn't have developed by 20 and the same is true for you. Maybe you could say you wished that at 20yo you wish that you'd met your

+1 My spouse and I didn't meet until I was 40 and he was 45.
We actually could have been together 20 years earlier as our paths crossed a few times before. We're great together, and there are times when I have thought about what could have been if those chance earlier meetings had turned into something. But it's likely it wouldn't have been so good we both had a ton of stuff we were dealing with 20 or so years ago and weren't in a place to make a relationship work instead of helping each other we likey would have destroyed each other.

It's cliche but timing is everything and eveythingdoes happen for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

But it takes maturity to know you’re not mature enough to commit, so….

Sure, maturity exists on a spectrum I suppose. Some young people who get married are immature, some older people who get married are immature.

My post is more a reaction to the reasons being offered up here: but OMG what about tRaVeL?! For example.

The tRaVeL you mention -- for me -- isn't some weekend trips to the Bahamas or an all inclusive in Tulum. The kind of travel that shaped me and my friends is the kind that pushes personal comfort zones and develops a kind of independence that's really hard to do in the same way when you're at home.

I'm talking about stuff like working abroad, long term backpacking, Peace Corps, etc.

Women often move into a caretaking role leading up to marriage and it only gets way more intense. I think 20-something women benefit from putting themselves and their preferences and values first for a period of time before they get subsumed into marriage and kids.

[Anonymous]

As for marrying young, it's not something that I wanted My sisters and I took our mother's advice in this area. Our mother married at 21 and was with our father until his death 50 years later.
Her advice was to finish school ( college in our cases), live on your own, see the world a bit, learn to be by yourself and who you are for a bit before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

But it takes maturity to know you’re not mature enough to commit, so….

Sure, maturity exists on a spectrum I suppose. Some young people who get married are immature, some older people who get married are immature.

My post is more a reaction to the reasons being offered up here: but OMG what about tRaVeL?! For example.

The tRaVeL you mention -- for me -- isn't some weekend trips to the Bahamas or an all inclusive in Tulum. The kind of travel that shaped me and my friends is the kind that pushes personal comfort zones and develops a kind of independence that's really hard to do in the same way when you're at home.

I'm talking about stuff like working abroad, long term backpacking, Peace Corps, etc.

Women often move into a caretaking role leading up to marriage and it only gets way more intense. I think 20-something women benefit from putting themselves and their preferences and values first for a period of time before they get subsumed into marriage and kids.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

But it takes maturity to know you’re not mature enough to commit, so….

Sure, maturity exists on a spectrum I suppose. Some young people who get married are immature, some older people who get married are immature.

My post is more a reaction to the reasons being offered up here: but OMG what about tRaVeL?! For example.

The tRaVeL you mention -- for me -- isn't some weekend trips to the Bahamas or an all inclusive in Tulum. The kind of travel that shaped me and my friends is the kind that pushes personal comfort zones and develops a kind of independence that's really hard to do in the same way when you're at home.

I'm talking about stuff like working abroad, long term backpacking, Peace Corps, etc.

Women often move into a caretaking role leading up to marriage and it only gets way more intense. I think 20-something women benefit from putting themselves and their preferences and values first for a period of time before they get subsumed into marriage and kids.

I lived and worked abroad for two three-months stints and backpacked for the equivalent of ~15 months over about 6 trips and several years, all while in a relationship with my now husband. I traveled a ton in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

There is no perfect answer. All you can do is choose between the costs and benefits of either choice.

Yes, there is a lot to be said for and against independence, travel, self discovery and the maturation process in your 20s.

There is also a lot be said for and against a lifetime spent building something together, maturing together, forming tight bonds early and giving your children a shot at having decades with their grandparents.

Some will find each option to be a success others will find each option to have been a mistake. Either way, you are trading something for something else, regardless of which option you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

But it takes maturity to know you’re not mature enough to commit, so….

Sure, maturity exists on a spectrum I suppose. Some young people who get married are immature, some older people who get married are immature.

My post is more a reaction to the reasons being offered up here: but OMG what about tRaVeL?! For example.

The tRaVeL you mention -- for me -- isn't some weekend trips to the Bahamas or an all inclusive in Tulum. The kind of travel that shaped me and my friends is the kind that pushes personal comfort zones and develops a kind of independence that's really hard to do in the same way when you're at home.

I'm talking about stuff like working abroad, long term backpacking, Peace Corps, etc.

Women often move into a caretaking role leading up to marriage and it only gets way more intense. I think 20-something women benefit from putting themselves and their preferences and values first for a period of time before they get subsumed into marriage and kids.

I lived and worked abroad for two three-months stints and backpacked for the equivalent of ~15 months over about 6 trips and several years, all while in a relationship with my now husband. I traveled a ton in my 20s.

You think your average married 20 something is living and working abroad on her own? You think this is common?

What’s common is a woman starting a family young and quitting her job since her earnings as a 26 year old won’t even cover daycare. Let alone the fact she only receives 6 weeks of leave and her employer couldn’t care less since she has limited experience.

I grew up in a relatively affluent community where women marry young and the difference was astounding.

Women marry young when they need a meal ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:meh. I met my DH when I was 30 and he 36. We had our first when I was 34, second at almost 38. They are teens now, one in college.

Neither DH nor I were ready to be married or have kids in our 20s.

I have told my kids (DS and DD) to not get married too early, or at the least, don't have kids too early. Live your life and have a career first, including building up your finances. Once kids come, your life as you know it is over.

The women on here suggesting getting married at 25 simply don’t know any better. They missed out on their 20s.

Anyone who wants their daughter to get married at 25 and have kids is insane. You don’t want your daughter to get married and have kids at 25 for the same reasons you don’t want her to do so during high school.

Quite frankly, it was far easier to build our finances together than it would have been to do it separately. Dated since 18, moved in together at 22, married at 24. First kid at 27. It’s been a blast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:meh. I met my DH when I was 30 and he 36. We had our first when I was 34, second at almost 38. They are teens now, one in college.

Neither DH nor I were ready to be married or have kids in our 20s.

I have told my kids (DS and DD) to not get married too early, or at the least, don't have kids too early. Live your life and have a career first, including building up your finances. Once kids come, your life as you know it is over.

+100000

You have your entire life to focus on family.

Now that I’ve had two kids I can’t imagine sacrificing myself like this in my 20s.

Honestly I don’t consider anything about having kids and raising them to be a sacrifice. I actually sometimes look back on my young adult life before kids and wonder what the heck I did all day.

I’m not saying I love my kids more, but I genuinely enjoy everything about being a mom. I love carting them all over the place, I love watching their games and concerts, I love playing with them and talking to them and teaching them.

Trivia night at the bar or a week in some rundown European hostel doesn’t compare.

All that to say, there isn’t one right way to live your life. Everyone has different priorities and different timelines. Just run your own race and stop judging everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks, all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life. You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.

Women provide a lot of unpaid labor for men and when you get married most women take on more unpaid labor. As a result there is less time for travel, education, socializing etc.

Anecdotally, life changed for my friends who married young. They are relatively educated but once they got married everything seemed to change and it became about playing house.

Making sacrifices and compromises is just part of being inna relationship. It’s not a punishment or a setback.

Honestly, and there is no way to say this without sounding snarky, but I think the fundamental disconnect between women who think marrying young is good (or even just fine) and those who think it’s some life-ruining mistake is maturity. You may have not been mature enough to commit to something or someone beyond your own immediate desires when you were early to mid 20s, and that’s okay. It makes sense for you to wait to get married. Other people don’t see life that way, and for them it makes sense to marry when you know you’re with someone you want to be married to.

But it takes maturity to know you’re not mature enough to commit, so….

Sure, maturity exists on a spectrum I suppose. Some young people who get married are immature, some older people who get married are immature.

My post is more a reaction to the reasons being offered up here: but OMG what about tRaVeL?! For example.

The tRaVeL you mention -- for me -- isn't some weekend trips to the Bahamas or an all inclusive in Tulum. The kind of travel that shaped me and my friends is the kind that pushes personal comfort zones and develops a kind of independence that's really hard to do in the same way when you're at home.

I'm talking about stuff like working abroad, long term backpacking, Peace Corps, etc.

Women often move into a caretaking role leading up to marriage and it only gets way more intense. I think 20-something women benefit from putting themselves and their preferences and values first for a period of time before they get subsumed into marriage and kids.