Reply to Spin off: Young Marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I used to feel like you, when the marriage was going well.

15 years into our relationship my DH had a mental breakdown and became very volatile, angry, and abusive. Tried a bunch of therapy and it didn’t work. Divorce. Due to having built my career beforehand, I was able to buy him out of the house and I know who I am without the relationship because we married when I was 30 and not 20.

I am glad I spent that time in investing in myself. My education gave me a career and the means to make a home independently of my marriage. My travel and time with friends let me build up a network that has been rock solid and there for me through this whole ordeal. And I know I was fine and happy before this and will be fine and happy now. If I had done the traditional route I would’ve been screwed.[/quote]

I met my husband at 21. Failing to understand [b]why you think that precludes a woman from an education, career, travel or building up friend networks[/b], all of which I have. It’s this mentality that a partnership prevents these dimensions of life that is holding young women back.[/quote]

Because you’re less mobile when you’re married since you can’t live in two different place and often, one spouse’s job takes precedent. Similar story with social life.  You have to sacrifice where you travel to since now you have to compromise with a spouse. You often end up purchasing real estate, which may be a good thing financially, but it takes priority over travel and a social life.  
 [/quote]

None of this held true for us. We got our graduate educations, traveled and had a wonderful network of friends…while together.  We didn’t purchase real estate until a decade had passed, found jobs on the same city without a problem.

Finding each other and committing early doesn’t prevent these things, you do them together.  [/quote]
We're elder millennials who met freshman year of college, started dating junior year of college, moved across the country to go to the same grad school, got married at 27, moved across the country again so I could go to law school, bought a house at 30, and had kids at 32 and 35.  We really enjoyed our 20s and did tons of adventuring and had lots of independence, all while still being a couple.  We stuck to major job markets so we both had lots of job options.

I don't think "living independently" means spending your 20s alone.  It just means not living with your parents or getting married immediately at graduation (as my very religious college roommate was pressured to do).  I also think most people date and couple up in their 20s, even if they don't say that they are "dating for marriage.". That's too much pressure when put that way, even if that's what people are doing practically.  You can date with intention and look for your person without being weird about it.   I certainly wouldn't have said that I was dating for marriage when I started dating my husband in college, but also didn't stay with losers or anyone who didn't treat me well and have ambition.  I wasn't desperate for a boyfriend and cut loose guys who didn't meet my standards.  I did get lucky and meet my person young, but created that opportunity by not being attached to the wrong guy (which many many women do in college and their 20s).[/quote]

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