My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

I don’t drink, I don’t abuse anyone… I’m just a normal person, who sometimes has a tough time. I’m willing and have taken medication for anxiety, that’s helpful. She just is a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t right in your life it must be because you have some buried problem that you need to work through. She has gone to a therapist and talked about HER parents, but it’s all a bit of a mystery to me, because they’re not that super deep in their dysfunction. I just don’t see what the point of rehashing things, but I don’t mind if she does.

I just feel like am I missing something that other people are getting out of therapy? My conclusion is no, some people just have a hard time examining themselves.

Obviously you have underlying issues with your parents not being the greatest, you need to unpack that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what?

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?

Try CBT, it will be more focused on the here and now rather than rehashing bad experiences with your parents and trying to analyze them in some meaningless way.

Approach it as I don’t want to talk about my past, this is where I’m at right now. I would like to figure out how to better interact with my children and wife. They will help you notice patterns to your behavior. For example, if you get frustrated and always yell when the child starts screaming about waiting for dinner and then your wife thinks you’re terrible for getting frustrated about a hungry child- Well let’s look at this big picture- how long between meals are they going? Do they only yell at dinner or is it all meals? what else is happening in the house at that time? whose responsibility is it to make meals? What changes could you make to your routine to prevent the screaming for dinner? Serve it earlier? Give a snack? Let them help? If you do get frustrated what could you do instead of yelling? Take the kid for a walk while your wife finishes dinner? Give the kids an early bath? If your wife gets upset how do you usually handle it? What could you change about that interaction? You get the picture.

Yeah, but that also just sounds like a thoughtful person. It seems like a parenting class is more useful than a therapist.

In my admittedly limited experience, there are a lot of similarities between at can be gained from parenting classes, friends, and therapy. The benefits (IMO) of therapy are you are talking to someone who has a better than average perspective on normal
Human experience, feelings, reactions, AND unlike a parenting class is fully focused on you and your specific experiences. A parenting class teaches a topic with may or may not align closely with what you’re dealing with. A friend is only going to have their individual experiences to speak from. Make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

I don’t drink, I don’t abuse anyone… I’m just a normal person, who sometimes has a tough time. I’m willing and have taken medication for anxiety, that’s helpful. She just is a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t right in your life it must be because you have some buried problem that you need to work through. She has gone to a therapist and talked about HER parents, but it’s all a bit of a mystery to me, because they’re not that super deep in their dysfunction. I just don’t see what the point of rehashing things, but I don’t mind if she does.

I just feel like am I missing something that other people are getting out of therapy? My conclusion is no, some people just have a hard time examining themselves.

Obviously you have underlying issues with your parents not being the greatest, you need to unpack that

Yeah, this thread is sort of reinforcing that some people just have a deep attachment to therapy and possibly have found it useful themselves and just as I don't see how it could be helpful for me, they don't see how it couldn't be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

Well, most people don't. Unless they are teachers who have worked with all different ages, they wouldn't have much experience with all of the different ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what?

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?

Try CBT, it will be more focused on the here and now rather than rehashing bad experiences with your parents and trying to analyze them in some meaningless way.

Approach it as I don’t want to talk about my past, this is where I’m at right now. I would like to figure out how to better interact with my children and wife. They will help you notice patterns to your behavior. For example, if you get frustrated and always yell when the child starts screaming about waiting for dinner and then your wife thinks you’re terrible for getting frustrated about a hungry child- Well let’s look at this big picture- how long between meals are they going? Do they only yell at dinner or is it all meals? what else is happening in the house at that time? whose responsibility is it to make meals? What changes could you make to your routine to prevent the screaming for dinner? Serve it earlier? Give a snack? Let them help? If you do get frustrated what could you do instead of yelling? Take the kid for a walk while your wife finishes dinner? Give the kids an early bath? If your wife gets upset how do you usually handle it? What could you change about that interaction? You get the picture.

Yeah, but that also just sounds like a thoughtful person. It seems like a parenting class is more useful than a therapist.

In my admittedly limited experience, there are a lot of similarities between at can be gained from parenting classes, friends, and therapy. The benefits (IMO) of therapy are you are talking to someone who has a better than average perspective on normal
Human experience, feelings, reactions, AND unlike a parenting class is fully focused on you and your specific experiences. A parenting class teaches a topic with may or may not align closely with what you’re dealing with. A friend is only going to have their individual experiences to speak from. Make sense?

yeah, i suppose, like with everything it's all very dependent on the situation. I just really am bothered by the idea that it's not possible to understand yourself without recycling old stuff. But, like you said, that just means I'm more of a CBT kinda guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

Well, most people don't. Unless they are teachers who have worked with all different ages, they wouldn't have much experience with all of the different ages.

I had a fair number of teachers who didn't seem to understand children very well. But I don't think you're suggesting that everyone who doesnt' have a masters in education should go to therapy to talk about their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

You wrote that you lost your temper when your kid was crying over pizza for lunch and another kid was refusing to put on their shoes.

And when you have to leave the house in 10 minutes lest you be late for a meeting and you have one child who is crying over something that you don't have much control over and another child is refusing to put their shoes on... you feel... happy? Calm?

I'd submit it's an objectively stressful situation.

Ideally, I'd have no work pressures and my children would have a robot that makes them the perfect lunch and a school that would let them go to school shoeless, but that's not, at present in the cards. If I can identify the thing that makes me feel a way I don't want to feel, and I can identify potential solutions to those problems, and if I have the agency to make those changes and if I DO make those changes... and if I talk to my doctor about an RX... what is therapy going to do?

It may be an objectively stressful situation, but loosing your temper isn’t an objectively reasonable response for an adult. I say that as an adult who has learned slowly how the situations don’t excuse my reactions. A good therapist can help you identify all the things you laid out more quickly than you can on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

You wrote that you lost your temper when your kid was crying over pizza for lunch and another kid was refusing to put on their shoes.

And when you have to leave the house in 10 minutes lest you be late for a meeting and you have one child who is crying over something that you don't have much control over and another child is refusing to put their shoes on... you feel... happy? Calm?

I'd submit it's an objectively stressful situation.

Ideally, I'd have no work pressures and my children would have a robot that makes them the perfect lunch and a school that would let them go to school shoeless, but that's not, at present in the cards. If I can identify the thing that makes me feel a way I don't want to feel, and I can identify potential solutions to those problems, and if I have the agency to make those changes and if I DO make those changes... and if I talk to my doctor about an RX... what is therapy going to do?

It may be an objectively stressful situation, but loosing your temper isn’t an objectively reasonable response for an adult. I say that as an adult who has learned slowly how the situations don’t excuse my reactions. A good therapist can help you identify all the things you laid out more quickly than you can on your own.

Eh, it sounds like trying to ignore the reality. Stressful situations are stressful and I should work harder to handle them. Pretending that my dad not being a good dad has antyhing to do with it, seems like a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

I find books more helpful. There are some books written by excellent professionals who give better advice then just an average crappy therapist. I suggest telling your wife you are working on yourself another way, get some books, and share some of the strategies you learn over time. That shows you are doing something, but going your own way. Plus you can skim a book. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find books more helpful. There are some books written by excellent professionals who give better advice then just an average crappy therapist. I suggest telling your wife you are working on yourself another way, get some books, and share some of the strategies you learn over time. That shows you are doing something, but going your own way. Plus you can skim a book. Lol

OP here, thanks +1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

You wrote that you lost your temper when your kid was crying over pizza for lunch and another kid was refusing to put on their shoes.

And when you have to leave the house in 10 minutes lest you be late for a meeting and you have one child who is crying over something that you don't have much control over and another child is refusing to put their shoes on... you feel... happy? Calm?

I'd submit it's an objectively stressful situation.

Ideally, I'd have no work pressures and my children would have a robot that makes them the perfect lunch and a school that would let them go to school shoeless, but that's not, at present in the cards. If I can identify the thing that makes me feel a way I don't want to feel, and I can identify potential solutions to those problems, and if I have the agency to make those changes and if I DO make those changes... and if I talk to my doctor about an RX... what is therapy going to do?

It may be an objectively stressful situation, but loosing your temper isn’t an objectively reasonable response for an adult. I say that as an adult who has learned slowly how the situations don’t excuse my reactions. A good therapist can help you identify all the things you laid out more quickly than you can on your own.

Eh, it sounds like trying to ignore the reality. Stressful situations are stressful and I should work harder to handle them. Pretending that my dad not being a good dad has antyhing to do with it, seems like a waste of time.

I’m saying the situation of being late is stressful. I am NOT saying ignore that. But loosing your temper isn’t the response you want here (as you’ve said). Not everyone looses their temper when stressed. I used to think that was a normal response. m contrast, my spouse and a sibling would just shrug and say well, we’ll be late. Then they’d calmly talk to the child and in minutes the situation would be resolved and everyone would be happily on their way, maybe not even late if traffic is light. I, in contrast, would have yelled and then it would have taken 30 minutes to get everyone on their way with everyone feeling terrible about the morning. That was many years ago but seeing the difference in handling normal kid stressors was what finally got my attention that maybe my high levels of stress weren’t solely due to situations beyond my control. I wasn’t coping well with stress.

[Anonymous]

I personally found that when I was able to understand the ways my parents messed up as parents, accept that it hurt me, and still see them with compassion (but realistically!), I was less stressed and cranky in general including to my kids who didn’t want to put on their shoes. For me the biggest thing was admitting that it was not okay and I wasn’t okay about it and letting myself sit with that. That might be what your wife is envisioning for you.

[Anonymous]

I think what your wife is sensing is a problem of “coregulation”—your reactivity in itself affects the whole family unit, even if you manage your anger.

May be helpful : https://childmind.org/article/what-is-co-regulation/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_campaign=pub-ed-nl-2024-06-18&utm_content=what-is-co-regulation

You also seem sad and defensive in your posts, despite so many self-improvement efforts and making brave choices re: FOO. Your wife may earnestly want to you to be happier and more open. The problem with a-hole dads is that they not only make you miserable, they also judge you and make you judge yourself for that misery. It’s this whole cycle of self-consciousness that can make therapy especially uncomfortable.

Your wife probably feels worthy of catharsis and entitled to vent; you may not because of your childhood, I’m not sure.

For your wife, therapy may also be a natural extension of simply being an analytical female who grew up in an emotive family.

For you, its like exploratory surgery with a med student…it’s asking for a huge leap of faith.

My best advice is to think about how you want your children to handle their emotions. Is your own regulation right now helping them or hurting them? If you decide you need help, you need to buckle down for real therapist shopping and wait for a smart one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally found that when I was able to understand the ways my parents messed up as parents, accept that it hurt me, and still see them with compassion (but realistically!), I was less stressed and cranky in general including to my kids who didn’t want to put on their shoes. For me the biggest thing was admitting that it was not okay and I wasn’t okay about it and letting myself sit with that. That might be what your wife is envisioning for you.

She also seems pretty determined to ignore me when I say all those things. My dad was not a good parent, I don't think he's a bad person. I love him, but I understand that the had a very sad and terrible childhood experience and he simply doesn't think or feel the same way that many of us do. That's not his fault, and i don't blame him, but I also don't feel like it means I should allow him to be hurtful towards me, my children or my wife. I would like to take his best parts and let my children see them, but it can't be separated. It's sad, but I think I've done what I can and I hope he finds peace.

His life did change for the better when he attended 12 step and began absorbing the message of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. It allowed him to start separating himself from things (and people) who hurt him, but it doesnt' change how hurt he is.

Setting the god part aside, I accept I can't change him, I can change my own relationship with my kids and I need to focus on what I can change and let rest the things that can't. To me, if I find an objectively stressful situation stressful, I should go to PEP or recommit myself to my meditation and spend less time thinking about what I cannot change (my father.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what your wife is sensing is a problem of “coregulation”—your reactivity in itself affects the whole family unit, even if you manage your anger.

May be helpful : https://childmind.org/article/what-is-co-regulation/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_campaign=pub-ed-nl-2024-06-18&utm_content=what-is-co-regulation

You also seem sad and defensive in your posts, despite so many self-improvement efforts and making brave choices re: FOO. Your wife may earnestly want to you to be happier and more open. The problem with a-hole dads is that they not only make you miserable, they also judge you and make you judge yourself for that misery. It’s this whole cycle of self-consciousness that can make therapy especially uncomfortable.

Your wife probably feels worthy of catharsis and entitled to vent; you may not because of your childhood, I’m not sure.

For your wife, therapy may also be a natural extension of simply being an analytical female who grew up in an emotive family.

For you, its like exploratory surgery with a med student…it’s asking for a huge leap of faith.

My best advice is to think about how you want your children to handle their emotions. Is your own regulation right now helping them or hurting them? If you decide you need help, you need to buckle down for real therapist shopping and wait for a smart one.

This is the most thoughtful answer so far. Thanks.

Exploratory surgery with a med student is a great metaphor. Maybe they're brilliant and onto something, but is it worth the time and pain to explore?