My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems
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Anonymous
Or, learning ways to manage frustration when multiple, normal disruptions are happening at once might help. If you don’t want to go to therapy, don’t. But if you’re not satisfied with losing your temper sometimes, try a different therapist. In your first meeting, lead with what didn’t help last time, so you can try something different. I tried two therapists, found them useless. tried a third and BAM, magic time. I’m so much happier with how I handle things now. But that’s me, and you don’t need to do what anyone else suggests. Just what you feel motivated to do by your desire to be a present and caring parent for your kids. |
Anonymous
So why not try a parenting class instead? I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad. What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what? |
Anonymous
OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously. To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad? |
Anonymous
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It doesn't matter how much you understand your issues if you don't have the tools to change your behavior, address your anxiety, or improve your communication skills. Finding a good therapist can fill this in for you.
I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD from childhood trauma and a good therapist changed my life. Understanding the underlying issues is only halfway through. Getting the tools to change is the other half. |
Anonymous
what do you mean tools? |
Anonymous
So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way. |
Anonymous
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So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?
I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you. |
Anonymous
Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages? |
Anonymous
Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing? |
Anonymous
NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children. Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:
Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them. |
Anonymous
It sounds like you need something like cognitive behavioral therapy, which is learning and practicing tools to use when you are stressed, rather than the kind of psychoanalytic therapy practiced last century where you lie on a couch and talk about your Dad. You might also benefit from medication. It's not an either/or. |
Anonymous
So in addition to your reluctance to better yourself, you also downplay the seriousness of your issues. Children not putting shoes on is not a reason to yell at them. Yeah I don’t think you “know yourself” all that well, you just don’t GAF. No wonder your wife is at her wits end. |
Anonymous
Who is being abused? Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction. I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it. Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations. |
Anonymous
Coming to terms with your dad sucking (which, it sounds like you're doing) removes that stressor from your life. Taking medicine to calm anxiety may calm your anxiety, but doesn't erraducate the cause. Another thing for you to consider is that one or more of your kids is an age you were when particularly harmful things happened in your life. You may benefit from self care like goid sleep, healthful eating, exercise and abstaining from alcohol. Therapy woukd only help you if you actually want to do it. There is no need to force yourself. To quiet your spouse, tell her you will make an effort for the next few months to improve your quality of life and, if nothing changes, you'll consider therapy. |
Anonymous
What is cognitive therapy and/or what are these "tools"? |