My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

So in addition to your reluctance to better yourself, you also downplay the seriousness of your issues. Children not putting shoes on is not a reason to yell at them.

Yeah I don’t think you “know yourself” all that well, you just don’t GAF. No wonder your wife is at her wits end.

Who says I'm reluctant to better myself? That only would apply if therapy is the only way to better yourself, and that's what I disagree with. In the past we have both attended parenting classes, which are super helpful, we both meditate, we both use exercise for stress reduction and I'm very willing to have conversations about my flaws and what I can improve. I'm doing the opposite of refusing to better myself. I'm just asking why therapy is necessarily a thing that is necessary to better myself.

Also, you're assuming my wife is at wits end. I went to therapy 18 months ago and my kids are now great at putting their shoes on. This isn't a current problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

These are my household problems and my therapist said each time we should turn to our kids who are smart and want to lead and explain our feelings and ask them to use their skills to figure out a way to make it better in the morning. Letting them lead. And work on our emotions by saying them aloud instead of expressing them. Hope that helps. Free therapy advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

So in addition to your reluctance to better yourself, you also downplay the seriousness of your issues. Children not putting shoes on is not a reason to yell at them.

Yeah I don’t think you “know yourself” all that well, you just don’t GAF. No wonder your wife is at her wits end.

Who says I'm reluctant to better myself? That only would apply if therapy is the only way to better yourself, and that's what I disagree with. In the past we have both attended parenting classes, which are super helpful, we both meditate, we both use exercise for stress reduction and I'm very willing to have conversations about my flaws and what I can improve. I'm doing the opposite of refusing to better myself. I'm just asking why therapy is necessarily a thing that is necessary to better myself.

Also, you're assuming my wife is at wits end. I went to therapy 18 months ago and my kids are now great at putting their shoes on. This isn't a current problem.

I am skeptical that the problem has been completely resolved, and also that your wife is still asking you to go to therapy. If someone asked her, what would she say is going on?

[Anonymous]

While kids acting up is developmentally normal, I doubt most of the posters in this thread have truly never gotten frustrated or irritable or annoyed or mad at their kids.
These threads always turn into these sanctimonious attacks on fathers.

I am a woman and when kids refuse to do things repeated and you are running are and they act like kids…it is perfectly normal to feel stressed and to get frustrated. Some people have to leave the house by a certain time and can’t stay on a toddler timeline.

OP, talk therapy isn’t helpful for everyone. Your wife is suggesting it because she finds it helpful for her. You need to find what you find helpful to deal with your stress and frustration and use that. It doesn’t need to be talk therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

These are my household problems and my therapist said each time we should turn to our kids who are smart and want to lead and explain our feelings and ask them to use their skills to figure out a way to make it better in the morning. Letting them lead. And work on our emotions by saying them aloud instead of expressing them. Hope that helps. Free therapy advice.

Totally, and good advice, I would say. But you can get that from a PEP class or a book on parenting, or a good friend...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

So in addition to your reluctance to better yourself, you also downplay the seriousness of your issues. Children not putting shoes on is not a reason to yell at them.

Yeah I don’t think you “know yourself” all that well, you just don’t GAF. No wonder your wife is at her wits end.

Who says I'm reluctant to better myself? That only would apply if therapy is the only way to better yourself, and that's what I disagree with. In the past we have both attended parenting classes, which are super helpful, we both meditate, we both use exercise for stress reduction and I'm very willing to have conversations about my flaws and what I can improve. I'm doing the opposite of refusing to better myself. I'm just asking why therapy is necessarily a thing that is necessary to better myself.

Also, you're assuming my wife is at wits end. I went to therapy 18 months ago and my kids are now great at putting their shoes on. This isn't a current problem.

I am skeptical that the problem has been completely resolved, and also that your wife is still asking you to go to therapy. If someone asked her, what would she say is going on?

that I haven't processed my relationship with my father, and I'm like, well, what exactly else is there to say about it? and she says, "I'm not sure, but that's why you should to go to therapy."

She's gone to therapy and she talked all about her mother, and honestly she'd come home seeming more upset about her mother than when she went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

It sounds like you need something like cognitive behavioral therapy, which is learning and practicing tools to use when you are stressed, rather than the kind of psychoanalytic therapy practiced last century where you lie on a couch and talk about your Dad.

You might also benefit from medication. It's not an either/or.

What is cognitive therapy and/or what are these "tools"?

I’m not the PP, but come on, OP. Get a LITTLE curious and Google it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn’t deal with the deep psychological causes of emotions, but instead recognizes that our thoughts and emotions and behavior are intertwined. It isn’t just that our emotions drive our thoughts drive our behavior - you can change your emotions by changing your thoughts and behavior. Your behavior can directly impact your emotions (your example of deep breathing) or you can mediate it with thinking. It is extraordinarily effective for anxiety, pain disorders, and insomnia.

The “tools” are certain thought patterns or behaviors to use when you are experiencing stressful/anxiety producing situations. You can get a book to learn them if you like. Check Amazon. Lots of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

You wrote that you lost your temper when your kid was crying over pizza for lunch and another kid was refusing to put on their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what?

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?

Try CBT, it will be more focused on the here and now rather than rehashing bad experiences with your parents and trying to analyze them in some meaningless way.

Approach it as I don’t want to talk about my past, this is where I’m at right now. I would like to figure out how to better interact with my children and wife. They will help you notice patterns to your behavior. For example, if you get frustrated and always yell when the child starts screaming about waiting for dinner and then your wife thinks you’re terrible for getting frustrated about a hungry child- Well let’s look at this big picture- how long between meals are they going? Do they only yell at dinner or is it all meals? what else is happening in the house at that time? whose responsibility is it to make meals? What changes could you make to your routine to prevent the screaming for dinner? Serve it earlier? Give a snack? Let them help? If you do get frustrated what could you do instead of yelling? Take the kid for a walk while your wife finishes dinner? Give the kids an early bath? If your wife gets upset how do you usually handle it? What could you change about that interaction? You get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what?

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?

Try CBT, it will be more focused on the here and now rather than rehashing bad experiences with your parents and trying to analyze them in some meaningless way.

Approach it as I don’t want to talk about my past, this is where I’m at right now. I would like to figure out how to better interact with my children and wife. They will help you notice patterns to your behavior. For example, if you get frustrated and always yell when the child starts screaming about waiting for dinner and then your wife thinks you’re terrible for getting frustrated about a hungry child- Well let’s look at this big picture- how long between meals are they going? Do they only yell at dinner or is it all meals? what else is happening in the house at that time? whose responsibility is it to make meals? What changes could you make to your routine to prevent the screaming for dinner? Serve it earlier? Give a snack? Let them help? If you do get frustrated what could you do instead of yelling? Take the kid for a walk while your wife finishes dinner? Give the kids an early bath? If your wife gets upset how do you usually handle it? What could you change about that interaction? You get the picture.

Yeah, but that also just sounds like a thoughtful person. It seems like a parenting class is more useful than a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

You wrote that you lost your temper when your kid was crying over pizza for lunch and another kid was refusing to put on their shoes.

And when you have to leave the house in 10 minutes lest you be late for a meeting and you have one child who is crying over something that you don't have much control over and another child is refusing to put their shoes on... you feel... happy? Calm?

I'd submit it's an objectively stressful situation.

Ideally, I'd have no work pressures and my children would have a robot that makes them the perfect lunch and a school that would let them go to school shoeless, but that's not, at present in the cards. If I can identify the thing that makes me feel a way I don't want to feel, and I can identify potential solutions to those problems, and if I have the agency to make those changes and if I DO make those changes... and if I talk to my doctor about an RX... what is therapy going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

It sounds like you need something like cognitive behavioral therapy, which is learning and practicing tools to use when you are stressed, rather than the kind of psychoanalytic therapy practiced last century where you lie on a couch and talk about your Dad.

You might also benefit from medication. It's not an either/or.

What is cognitive therapy and/or what are these "tools"?

I’m not the PP, but come on, OP. Get a LITTLE curious and Google it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn’t deal with the deep psychological causes of emotions, but instead recognizes that our thoughts and emotions and behavior are intertwined. It isn’t just that our emotions drive our thoughts drive our behavior - you can change your emotions by changing your thoughts and behavior. Your behavior can directly impact your emotions (your example of deep breathing) or you can mediate it with thinking. It is extraordinarily effective for anxiety, pain disorders, and insomnia.

The “tools” are certain thought patterns or behaviors to use when you are experiencing stressful/anxiety producing situations. You can get a book to learn them if you like. Check Amazon. Lots of options.

I mean, you just described everything I get w/my 10 Percent Happier app subscription...