My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

There's obviously lots of details that can't be included, but you know, I'm a modern american husband and father, and I have stress in my life. Sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes I make parenting mistakes, etc. My own parents were not great, but I'm very aware of all that, and I've worked hard to avoid the mistakes they made—in fact, my parenting flaws, which I have, are very unlike theirs.

My wife thinks therapy would be helpful and would help me "unpack" my feelings about my parents and help me be a better father or person. I've tried therapy and I found it extremely unrewarding—I felt like I just had to have a conversation with a person I don't know, about things that I already know about and don't really enjoy talking about, and she gave me kind of milquetoast suggestions on how to handle various issues. I didn't cry or discover anything new about myself.

I understand the importance of not suppressing things, but I also think that it's important to not dwell. I'm not deeply opposed to the idea of therapy and it does seem to help some people, but I feel like I'm pretty introspective and aware. I guess I'm just wondering if maybe there's a certain KIND of therapist or style of therapy that might be more productive?

[Anonymous]

Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

[Anonymous]

So, you’re a crappy parent in entirely different ways than your parents were crappy, and you’re A-OK with that outcome because you are aware of the differences?

[Anonymous]

The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

[Anonymous]

If you can find a good therapist you click with it can allow you to get a better perspective on what's going on with you than you can get on your own.

I didn't have much respect for the idea of therapy until I was really suffering emotionally and a friend recommended her therapist who had helped her a lot and he ended up helping me in ways I could never have imagined. I had a previous experience like you with a therapist who didn't even scratch the surface of me and who I felt like I knew more than she did. Turns out it was more because of her lack of skills than a problem with therapy itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

I don’t drink, I don’t abuse anyone… I’m just a normal person, who sometimes has a tough time. I’m willing and have taken medication for anxiety, that’s helpful. She just is a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t right in your life it must be because you have some buried problem that you need to work through. She has gone to a therapist and talked about HER parents, but it’s all a bit of a mystery to me, because they’re not that super deep in their dysfunction. I just don’t see what the point of rehashing things, but I don’t mind if she does.

I just feel like am I missing something that other people are getting out of therapy? My conclusion is no, some people just have a hard time examining themselves.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is way overused. Most people don’t need therapists, they need to move on like you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

Also what is cognitive behavior therapy? Psychoanalysis is Freud right? That seems like obvious nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you’re a crappy parent in entirely different ways than your parents were crappy, and you’re A-OK with that outcome because you are aware of the differences?

No, I’m not okay with being like my parents. I try to not be a crappy parent - what else am I supposed to do? Does talking about how my father is a highly dysfunctional adult child of an alcoholic who didn’t ever come to any of my sports games REALLY have any bearing on how well I handle my kids not putting their shoes on when we’re late for school? I feel like it’s just adding more stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

[Anonymous]

Eh, if you're truly not a drinker, abuser, yeller, hitter and you're an active and present husband and father, then I think (not knowing you or your situation) that you're fine w/o therapy. I think therapy makes most people worse. There's a small subset of people who come out better, but overall, all that navel gazing makes everyone around you miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

+1

[Anonymous]

Some people are really into therapy. I have a friend where every person in the family goes. That’s fine, they get something out of it.

It only works if you are into it and find someone you like. I’ve tried a few times and it’s not for me. I don’t see anything glaring in your post that says this man needs therapy. My friend would tell you to definitely see a therapist, but she often suggests it for me and everyone in my family.