My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally found that when I was able to understand the ways my parents messed up as parents, accept that it hurt me, and still see them with compassion (but realistically!), I was less stressed and cranky in general including to my kids who didn’t want to put on their shoes. For me the biggest thing was admitting that it was not okay and I wasn’t okay about it and letting myself sit with that. That might be what your wife is envisioning for you.

She also seems pretty determined to ignore me when I say all those things. My dad was not a good parent, I don't think he's a bad person. I love him, but I understand that the had a very sad and terrible childhood experience and he simply doesn't think or feel the same way that many of us do. That's not his fault, and i don't blame him, but I also don't feel like it means I should allow him to be hurtful towards me, my children or my wife. I would like to take his best parts and let my children see them, but it can't be separated. It's sad, but I think I've done what I can and I hope he finds peace.

His life did change for the better when he attended 12 step and began absorbing the message of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. It allowed him to start separating himself from things (and people) who hurt him, but it doesnt' change how hurt he is.

Setting the god part aside, I accept I can't change him, I can change my own relationship with my kids and I need to focus on what I can change and let rest the things that can't. To me, if I find an objectively stressful situation stressful, I should go to PEP or recommit myself to my meditation and spend less time thinking about what I cannot change (my father.)

Ignoring you is not cool.

In my experience, I was able to say those things about my parents for a long time, but I hadn’t really allowed myself to feel the hurt and I couldn’t quite move past it until I had done that. Whether you want to is another question, and whether this therapist is right is yet another!

I think your wife has a right to say “you’re being a pill and you need to
Figure that out” but she can’t tell you to go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, if you're truly not a drinker, abuser, yeller, hitter and you're an active and present husband and father, then I think (not knowing you or your situation) that you're fine w/o therapy. I think therapy makes most people worse. There's a small subset of people who come out better, but overall, all that navel gazing makes everyone around you miserable.

I agree. And it ruins marriages a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you’re a crappy parent in entirely different ways than your parents were crappy, and you’re A-OK with that outcome because you are aware of the differences?

No, I’m not okay with being like my parents. I try to not be a crappy parent - what else am I supposed to do? Does talking about how my father is a highly dysfunctional adult child of an alcoholic who didn’t ever come to any of my sports games REALLY have any bearing on how well I handle my kids not putting their shoes on when we’re late for school? I feel like it’s just adding more stress.

So go to therapy (or go to a parenting class, or read a book, etc.) not to dig into your feelings about your dad but to work through the day-to-day stress of parenting. You might benefit from therapy not in order to focus on your dad, but because you had the dad you had, and now you're having to make it all up as you go along.

[Anonymous]

A therapist can give you some new TOOLS to be the parent and husband you want to be, and help give you a new perspective. BUT you have to go in and tell him you want constructive criticism and some new ideas.
Otherwise, I found therapists just generally sit there and are a shoulder to cry on (which is what many depressed people want)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, if you're truly not a drinker, abuser, yeller, hitter and you're an active and present husband and father, then I think (not knowing you or your situation) that you're fine w/o therapy. I think therapy makes most people worse. There's a small subset of people who come out better, but overall, all that navel gazing makes everyone around you miserable.

I agree. And it ruins marriages a lot of the time.

yep. I agree. In my family, it allowed a couple of the people with issues to double down on their sadness and depression and blame of others. No self improvement at all. Navel gazing indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

99% of wives are not harpies that suggest therapy for a partner who occasionally loses their temper. If she's suggesting therapy, his behavior is a problem. Even using his own words, he's angrier than he'd like more than is normal. Extrapolating out that angry people never realize how damaging yelling is to their kids, he's undoubtedly a bigger problem than he realizes.
I mean hey, therapy isnt' for everyone, but OP needs to figure out how to calm down before his wife leaves him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

99% of wives are not harpies that suggest therapy for a partner who occasionally loses their temper. If she's suggesting therapy, his behavior is a problem. Even using his own words, he's angrier than he'd like more than is normal. Extrapolating out that angry people never realize how damaging yelling is to their kids, he's undoubtedly a bigger problem than he realizes.
I mean hey, therapy isnt' for everyone, but OP needs to figure out how to calm down before his wife leaves him

+1 My DH also thinks his anger is a smaller problem than it is. It doesn't just affect our child, it affects all of us. It's gotten to the point I feel a deep sense of relief when he is not there. Does not bode well for our family and our marriage. My guess is OP's wife is in a similar boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she has issues with you screaming at your children for… being children, and you don’t care to change anything about your actions, thoughts, behaviours to eliminate this? Because you ‘know yourself’?

I tend to think the people who are most opposed to therapy are the ones who need it the most. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one, a male therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Who said I scream at them? And who said I don't care to change anything about my actions or want to change my thoughts or behaviors? I mean, I realize I'm feeling stressed in these stressful situations, and so I try to do things to handle my stress and/or improve my reaction to stressful situations... why do you need a therapist to do that? If I feel my heart race and a tension headache develop in a stressful situation, isn't a prescription anxiety med going to be more effective than rehashing why my dad sucks? What am I missing?

It sounds like you need something like cognitive behavioral therapy, which is learning and practicing tools to use when you are stressed, rather than the kind of psychoanalytic therapy practiced last century where you lie on a couch and talk about your Dad.

You might also benefit from medication. It's not an either/or.

What is cognitive therapy and/or what are these "tools"?

I’m not the PP, but come on, OP. Get a LITTLE curious and Google it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn’t deal with the deep psychological causes of emotions, but instead recognizes that our thoughts and emotions and behavior are intertwined. It isn’t just that our emotions drive our thoughts drive our behavior - you can change your emotions by changing your thoughts and behavior. Your behavior can directly impact your emotions (your example of deep breathing) or you can mediate it with thinking. It is extraordinarily effective for anxiety, pain disorders, and insomnia.

The “tools” are certain thought patterns or behaviors to use when you are experiencing stressful/anxiety producing situations. You can get a book to learn them if you like. Check Amazon. Lots of options.

I mean, you just described everything I get w/my 10 Percent Happier app subscription...

That’s because 10% Happier is based on the same cognitive science as CBT! If you use the app you are already using some of the tools. There are a couple others you could try if you are more comfortable with an app than a human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

He specifically said he got angry when his kids were hard to get out the door in the morning. That's not an uncommon event with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

99% of wives are not harpies that suggest therapy for a partner who occasionally loses their temper. If she's suggesting therapy, his behavior is a problem. Even using his own words, he's angrier than he'd like more than is normal. Extrapolating out that angry people never realize how damaging yelling is to their kids, he's undoubtedly a bigger problem than he realizes.
I mean hey, therapy isnt' for everyone, but OP needs to figure out how to calm down before his wife leaves him

OP here, I don't constantly lose my temper and all this happened about 18 months ago and my wife hasn't left me and has never told me I have an anger problem. I previously have taken medication for anxiety, so the fact that I can feel mentally overwhelmed is a known fact that we discuss and that she's supportive of. She has a standing opinion that because of my dysfunctional parents I need therapy, and when I went through a particular period of stress and I examined myself and decided I was not happy with the way I felt and reacted. Having been treated for anxiety before, I've given a lot of thought to how i handle stress, and I felt like I was at a point where things that are legitimately and reasonably stressful were bothering me more than they should. I'm a person who, in the 12 years I've been a parent, have always been pretty laid back with the kids', but towards the end of the pandemic as my work obligatins were ramping up again, I felt like I was being bothered by things in a way that went against my usual more chill way. And not just the kids—my bike chain repeatedly coming off, my boss making inane demands, etc.

So I tried therapy and found it befuddlig, because it felt like me explaining things I knew about myself to the therapist and her offering kind of vauge parenting platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is a scam for most people, OP. It’s useful for certain cases, which you do not seem to belong to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

99% of wives are not harpies that suggest therapy for a partner who occasionally loses their temper. If she's suggesting therapy, his behavior is a problem. Even using his own words, he's angrier than he'd like more than is normal. Extrapolating out that angry people never realize how damaging yelling is to their kids, he's undoubtedly a bigger problem than he realizes.
I mean hey, therapy isnt' for everyone, but OP needs to figure out how to calm down before his wife leaves him

Also eff off for calling my wife a harpy. I don't think she's a harpy. I think she can't get her head around the idea that not everyone likes their extended family and that's okay. And I find her belief that therapy that focuses on how unlikable your extended family is is helpful as opposed to meditation, excercise, getting a good night's sleep or working on your parenting tactics.

This thread has confirmed that some people have very narrow ways of thinking about everything and I haven't read anything that makes me think that digging up my family's sorrow will help my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So you don’t handle things well when life doesn’t go your way? That isn’t your kids (or anybody else), that is you. It sounds like you know this. Parenting classes could help. Learning about child development and what is reasonable for different ages could help. If you keep going with therapy I’d focus on how you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

Why do you think I don't understand child development or what is reasonable for different ages?

NP here. The kinds of thing you describe are common, age appropriate behaviors. If you're saying that you would be able to handle situations like an adult if the children didn't act like children, then what you're really saying is that you aren't able to handle situations like an adult. Because part of being an adult is keeping control of our reactions, even when the children act like children.

Does that mean you wouldn't also benefit from strategies to help you gain cooperation from your kids? No, those would be good too. Paxil might be good too. It's certainly worth trying. But as long as you're saying things like this:

You wrote:
So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Which sounds a whole lot like blaming abuse victims for being abused. Then that's a sign you lack insight into both their development, and the impact of your behavior on them.

Who is being abused?

Identifying a frustrating situation—children can be difficult and there's very little that can be done about it, because, they are children—and thinking about ways to handle the situation behavior (ie, getting up earlier and preparing myself, deep breathing, etc) seems far more useful than pretending that I have some deep-seeded emotional trauma because an objectively stressful situation causes a stress reaction.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address it when you have a reaction or a feeling or a behavior that you don't want to have or that isn't healthy for your relationships... I'm saying, it seems like therapy feels like an excuse to NOT deal with it.

Instead of saying, "I could have handled this situation better by doing X, Y or Z" you're grasping at straws to come up with rationalizations.

I didn't say anyone was abused. I said that "my behavior would get better if the other person's behavior changed" is a classic behavior of abusers. Whether or not what you did was abusive, you're still thinking like an abuser, which might or might not be something you learned from your parents.

No one can tell you how to handle the situation better because you haven't told us what happened. Your inability to describe your own behavior is baffling for someone who claims to have good insight and a desire to change.

Well, there's not one incident, and we don't have endless time, so I'm not sure what you really would like me to say, but from my perspective, I felt like there was a period of time where I was FEELING angrier than normal and got angrier than NORMAL more frequently. Sometimes it resulted in scolding my kids, but I never did anything problematic, but I think it was a situation where I was finding myself unhappy/anxious/irritated/annoyed more often than I usually am, and more than I find acceptable. I don't want to be ticked off every morning—it's not good. I thought I'd give the therapy a whirl because maybe there was SOME magical reason that I felt like I was feeling abnormally uptight, edgy, anxious, unhappy.

I sort of understand what you're saying about an abusive mindset, but I think there's nothing wrong with saying "This situation is a stressful situation. I need to avoid it or develop better coping mechanisms for it". That's just identifying triggers. I could have just as easily used the example that I would find myself unnaturally irritated when my bicycle chain came off the cassette. Maybe I should get a better bike, maybe I should do more maintanance, maybe I should remind myself that bicycling is just a hobby and is it really that big of a deal to have to get off and replace the chain?

People with anger issues or who constantly lose their temper never think what they’re doing is damaging. You are kidding yourself and it sounds like you’re continuing the cycle here. Bike riding isn’t going to help you stop yelling at your kids for doing kid stuff.

Who said he constantly loses his temper. He said he got mad when his kids are obnoxious. You’re projecting.

Give the kid an iPad and some lunch money. Not all the time just when it’s crunch time.

99% of wives are not harpies that suggest therapy for a partner who occasionally loses their temper. If she's suggesting therapy, his behavior is a problem. Even using his own words, he's angrier than he'd like more than is normal. Extrapolating out that angry people never realize how damaging yelling is to their kids, he's undoubtedly a bigger problem than he realizes.
I mean hey, therapy isnt' for everyone, but OP needs to figure out how to calm down before his wife leaves him

Also eff off for calling my wife a harpy. I don't think she's a harpy. I think she can't get her head around the idea that not everyone likes their extended family and that's okay. And I find her belief that therapy that focuses on how unlikable your extended family is is helpful as opposed to meditation, excercise, getting a good night's sleep or working on your parenting tactics.

This thread has confirmed that some people have very narrow ways of thinking about everything and I haven't read anything that makes me think that digging up my family's sorrow will help my children.

I literally said she ISN'T a harpy. I literally said most wives ARE NOT - I don't think she is AT ALL, I think you're the problem, not her.