Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

OP, hang tough, commit to couples therapy (and if you and he don't feel the initial therapist is working well for you, then find a new one if you must--it can be hard to click with the right therapist) and do nothing to make any life decisions; he shouldn't, either.

I think some early PPs here are missing a crucial detail you mentioned: You have a child with complex medical needs. That can be FAR more draining emotionally and mentally than people realize, if they've never been in that position. It could be that your DH has been silently struggling with the realities of day in, day out parenting and family life, in ways that you don't struggle -- I am not saying you don't struggie, at all, but I'm saying, his struggle may be different from yours and not on your radar until now. He might be feeling that the life he thought he'd lead, when he married, is not the life he's leading--due to the demands of the medical situation. Feeling that would not make him a bad person, bad husband, or bad parent; it would make him a normal, frail human. But he absolutely shouldn't have dropped it on you as a resentment bomb all at once. This is why seeing an objective, professional third party is a must, at least I think so. I wish you both the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

Unless you were spending a lot of time together, being affectionate, and having sex 3-4 times a week, it's not similar. I'm not saying your wife shouldn't have communicated better, but she was exiting it sounds like over a period of months. All-of-a-sudden announcing you've been unhappy for years with no signs is something different, and it means the issue is less likely to be about something that OP even can fix.

NP- just because OP did not pick up signs does not mean they didn’t exist.

The premise of most threads is that the woman is the good partner and the man is not.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP has an active marital sex life. One tell tale sign of a husband having an affair is introducing new sexual positions. Trust me, I know. And frequency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

Rather than feeling like he is a monster and you are an angel, you should ask yourself: Have I been a good partner in this relationship?
The fact that he hasn't said anything to you and wants to go to counseling is an indication that he doesn't feel like you are listening to him. Maybe you are overbearing. Maybe you are always judgmental and have never given him the space to be comfortable to express these things to you. We don't know but you should know.
Good luck.

This is good feedback. Op’s repetition of “we are a team” seems strange too. Through counseling she may just find that the team is actually her husband having to carry her (emotionally, financially, etc) through life and that has caused him to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

Unless you were spending a lot of time together, being affectionate, and having sex 3-4 times a week, it's not similar. I'm not saying your wife shouldn't have communicated better, but she was exiting it sounds like over a period of months. All-of-a-sudden announcing you've been unhappy for years with no signs is something different, and it means the issue is less likely to be about something that OP even can fix.

NP- just because OP did not pick up signs does not mean they didn’t exist.

The premise of most threads is that the woman is the good partner and the man is not.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP has an active marital sex life. One tell tale sign of a husband having an affair is introducing new sexual positions. Trust me, I know. And frequency.

Agree. My husband did the same out of the blue to me. Classic midlife crisis. We went to counseling and are still married. Bottom line...I didn't want to raise a child alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most likely, he is not loving the responsibilities of parenting right now and is turning that into a resentment of you. Like you are somehow to blame for him having to parent. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be and parents of kids with disabilities have a higher divorce rate because it is stressful.

Hang in there, go to counseling and listen to what he has to say.

Not sure how I would feel about having sex with someone who dropped this bomb on me, though...

I agree that he is reacting to the stress of parenting a child with complex medical issues. Many men are only happy when they can do what they want to do most of the time. Meaning, yes try might do some modicum of yard work or house work but fundamentally they have a lot of free time with wives doing the bulk of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

No, I am able to articulate it NOW, after a lot of counseling. There were other problems as well but that was one of them.

Who would ask for couples counseling in the midst of an affair?? That seems remarkable to me.

If OP’s DH has asked for counseling (which is a big deal as men usually have the opposite attitude), it means he WANTS to articulate what’s wrong and he wants to fix it. Dismissing this as some midlife crisis is wrong. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel your marriage is so good.

This is more common than you might think. Cheater gets into a relationship and is flooded with feeling of guilt or realizes that they want the marriage after all.

[Anonymous]

A couple things:

It is a REALLY good sign he is suggesting counseling. It shows that he wants the marriage to work. Would not be the case if he was having an affair or looking to go straight to divorce.

It also sounds like he and / or you as a couple have some major communication challenges. Sounds like he in particular is unable to articulate his true feelings- guarantee there are specific things that have led to resentment, he just can’t or isn’t ready to articulate them. I appreciate that this makes it hard for you to make changes. Therapy should be able to help him get better at this and help him uncover WHY he is that way (my guess is family dynamics in his childhood played a role).

Third, once he starts articulating, try as best you can to listen, process, and not get defensive. Don't steamroll him. He needs to feel safe articulating and sharing for this to work.

Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

No, I am able to articulate it NOW, after a lot of counseling. There were other problems as well but that was one of them.

Who would ask for couples counseling in the midst of an affair?? That seems remarkable to me.

If OP’s DH has asked for counseling (which is a big deal as men usually have the opposite attitude), it means he WANTS to articulate what’s wrong and he wants to fix it. Dismissing this as some midlife crisis is wrong. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel your marriage is so good.

Mine was having an affair and planning to leave (and did). Put his job at risk too. He suggested therapy so looked like a "good guy" who tried everything. Did not announce the ongoing workplace affair until several sessions in. Therapist and I were both blindsided. So, be open but not naive, OP. Copy all financial and investment records, always keep hard and electronic copies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

First, let me say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

What did you think wasn't perfect? Just wondering if it was things that you were willing to look past that he couldn't? Not trying to blame you or anything, just trying to help you figure this out so hopefully you can get to the root cause and emerge from this in a stronger place.

Thank you. I am feeling really broken right now.

We both work and have small kids, one of whom has complex medical needs. So there are definitely challenges with time, balancing all of the responsibilities we both have. Little fights like who is taking on more, etc. I don’t love that but thought it was fairly normal and this has been a particularly hard stretch in terms of obligations. At the end of the day I still thought of us as a team, and he says that he just has a lot of resentment.

It’s not an affair, we both WFH and I have open access to all his devices (as he does for me). Maybe like PPs said some sort of midlife crisis.

I never thought of him as a prop, like I said I always thought we were a team. I’m just sad to hear he’s been feeling like this for so long without saying anything. I feel heartbroken.

You definitely buried an important detail with the medical issues and also, it's not normal to have full access to your spouses devices. Maybe too much emeshment for you to see it?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it could be a lot of things and we won’t really know until you go to counseling and hopefully get to the bottom of it.

I would say affair less likely bc lack of opportunity based on what you said, OP. However, could be a midlife crisis combined with a potential crush/infatuation with someone else and grass is greener type thing..

Could also be depression and the stress of caring for a a child with complex issues.

Best of luck to you- I hope you can work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

This is good advice. I'm a man. My ex wife was like this poster's ex husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this response above is phenomenal.

It took me years to realize that I was a bad partner. I look back and I am embarrassed. I don’t ever want to be that partner again. Nothing major, just a lot of small things that I did added up. I have zero tropes or catchy phrases to summarize the end of my marriage. We did not simply grow apart.

My behavior eroded and he reacted.

More to his side of the story, and there’s more to his actions, but I only focus on myself.

I wonder whether you are my ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

No, I am able to articulate it NOW, after a lot of counseling. There were other problems as well but that was one of them.

Who would ask for couples counseling in the midst of an affair?? That seems remarkable to me.

If OP’s DH has asked for counseling (which is a big deal as men usually have the opposite attitude), it means he WANTS to articulate what’s wrong and he wants to fix it. Dismissing this as some midlife crisis is wrong. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel your marriage is so good.

This is more common than you might think. Cheater gets into a relationship and is flooded with feeling of guilt or realizes that they want the marriage after all.

Yep. Mine was in over his head and felt there was no way out. Afraid of what AP might do as he tried to extricate himself, and the stress of that and the lies. Drinking more in secret. Rock bottom. Guidance in what to do- how to deal, fear of what would happen when confessed.