Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

+1. I expressed to my DH months ago that I was unhappy and felt very alone. He seemed surprised but didn’t have much to say and hasn’t initiated any talks or check-ins. Truth is that he has gained weight which affects my desire, he’s often checked out at home, doesn’t initiate and when he does he brings zero desire or passion. He also doesn’t ever ask me about what my long terms goals or vision are, there is no talk about the next 5, 10, 20 years, and no connection. I know it’s not all on him. I don’t really understand how he can walk around thinking everything is peachy. I think because it’s easier for him. We’re both conflict avoidant but he won’t even acknowledge anything in his own head.

This sounds just like my DH and our 22 year relationship. It feels like we have no connection at all. My DH has gained a significant amount of weight as well, and I've lost a significant amount. I know he's not happy about his weight, but he's not doing anything to change or work on it. My desire has definitely decreased and I feel absolutely terrible about it. He also snores which is a nightmare. It also seems like since I've lost weight, his desire for me has decreased. My DH is extremely conflict avoidant and it seems like he just thinks things will eventually go back to how we were 5-6 years ago without any actual changes.

We talk, or rather I talk, he shakes his head the whole time and we make no changes. We are on vacation right now with the kids and its like I'm on vacation with a roommate. We are both unhappy but I don't know what to do next. Seems like we are on the slow boat to divorce. I am following this thread for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

+1. I expressed to my DH months ago that I was unhappy and felt very alone. He seemed surprised but didn’t have much to say and hasn’t initiated any talks or check-ins. Truth is that he has gained weight which affects my desire, he’s often checked out at home, doesn’t initiate and when he does he brings zero desire or passion. He also doesn’t ever ask me about what my long terms goals or vision are, there is no talk about the next 5, 10, 20 years, and no connection. I know it’s not all on him. I don’t really understand how he can walk around thinking everything is peachy. I think because it’s easier for him. We’re both conflict avoidant but he won’t even acknowledge anything in his own head.

My aspergers spouse is the same way, avoids all non-work topics and conversations, plays the victim when forced to. I’ve written him off and am ready for anything. Kids aren’t launched yet either. He knows barely anything about them as people.

+1. Currently separated and about to divorce his twin