Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

[Anonymous]

I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

This. My ex-husband told me he’d been unhappy for a long time on the way out the door. No discussion, just told me to get a lawyer. It was devastating.

The feelings of betrayal and upset are normal. This stuff makes you question absolutely everything. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But do the counseling and see where it goes. Also consider getting a therapist for yourself – solo – to have a place to work through the confusion and anger.

It turns out that I was just a prop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

NP here. It could be an affair or it could be something similar to what the PP above you described. Either way, he needs the counselor to help him talk and sort through everything. I do see this as a good sign. OP just needs to really be open to hearing what he has to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

First, let me say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

What did you think wasn't perfect? Just wondering if it was things that you were willing to look past that he couldn't? Not trying to blame you or anything, just trying to help you figure this out so hopefully you can get to the root cause and emerge from this in a stronger place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband would have said the same before we went to counseling- that our marriage was happy and our life was so good.

In fact, his life was ideal for HIM and because I didn’t have any space in the relationship. Everything had to be his preference- vacations, family activities. He was involved in his sport and going out with friends several nights a week. We didn’t do date night or even things I like that he doesn’t, even if I asked. He always had a good reason why what he wants makes sense and what I want is impossible.

You are so lucky that your DH asked to go to counseling instead of dumping you or starting an affair, OP. Go for the counseling and start thinking really hard about whether DH has been your partner or your prop.

But you were able to clearly articulate what your issues were. OP's DH has not done that. Vague resentment + claims that he's been feeling this way for years is a lot more likely to be some kind of midlife crisis/affair, vs. if someone can actually say what's going on.

No, I am able to articulate it NOW, after a lot of counseling. There were other problems as well but that was one of them.

Who would ask for couples counseling in the midst of an affair?? That seems remarkable to me.

If OP’s DH has asked for counseling (which is a big deal as men usually have the opposite attitude), it means he WANTS to articulate what’s wrong and he wants to fix it. Dismissing this as some midlife crisis is wrong. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel your marriage is so good.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

First, let me say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

What did you think wasn't perfect? Just wondering if it was things that you were willing to look past that he couldn't? Not trying to blame you or anything, just trying to help you figure this out so hopefully you can get to the root cause and emerge from this in a stronger place.

Thank you. I am feeling really broken right now.

We both work and have small kids, one of whom has complex medical needs. So there are definitely challenges with time, balancing all of the responsibilities we both have. Little fights like who is taking on more, etc. I don’t love that but thought it was fairly normal and this has been a particularly hard stretch in terms of obligations. At the end of the day I still thought of us as a team, and he says that he just has a lot of resentment.

It’s not an affair, we both WFH and I have open access to all his devices (as he does for me). Maybe like PPs said some sort of midlife crisis.

I never thought of him as a prop, like I said I always thought we were a team. I’m just sad to hear he’s been feeling like this for so long without saying anything. I feel heartbroken.

[Anonymous]

If only he could have talked to you about it over all those years!

I'm sorry OP, men are emotionally stunted - Not really blaming them, society likes it this way! - but it does make for situations like this where a man is unhappy but hasn't thought to verbalize it. Or only knows how to get angry and defensive rather than sad and honest.

I would be worried that he is seeing somebody else already. "I've been unhappy for a long time" has a ring to it that I've heard before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If only he could have talked to you about it over all those years!

I'm sorry OP, men are emotionally stunted - Not really blaming them, society likes it this way! - but it does make for situations like this where a man is unhappy but hasn't thought to verbalize it. Or only knows how to get angry and defensive rather than sad and honest.

I would be worried that he is seeing somebody else already. "I've been unhappy for a long time" has a ring to it that I've heard before.

Nothing would shock me more than if he was in love with someone else, and I’m not naive.

[Anonymous]

OP, most likely, he is not loving the responsibilities of parenting right now and is turning that into a resentment of you. Like you are somehow to blame for him having to parent. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be and parents of kids with disabilities have a higher divorce rate because it is stressful.

Hang in there, go to counseling and listen to what he has to say.

Not sure how I would feel about having sex with someone who dropped this bomb on me, though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most likely, he is not loving the responsibilities of parenting right now and is turning that into a resentment of you. Like you are somehow to blame for him having to parent. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be and parents of kids with disabilities have a higher divorce rate because it is stressful.

Hang in there, go to counseling and listen to what he has to say.

Not sure how I would feel about having sex with someone who dropped this bomb on me, though...

Even besides having sex, I don’t even know how to interact with him now. I feel like he’s been living a lie. And that’s not going to make the relationship better.

[Anonymous]

Could it be an emotional affair? Perhaps he reconnected with someone on Facebook, etc? The suddenness of this and the fact that he can’t articulate what he’s resentful about - despite the fact that he presented this as “brink of divorce”…it seems like he’s trying to justify something. Or he has a crush on someone. Or midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I would stop thinking about this as something he concealed from you and start thinking about it as something he's brought to you to resolve as the team you believe yourselves to be. He asked you to go to counseling - he did not serve you with divorce papers or tell you about his girlfriend who is just like you but younger.

I was unhappy in my first marriage for a long time too. I told him about the unhappiness both generally and specifically. He, like you, thought that things were generally fine. When I asked him to go to counseling, he refused. Said these things seemed like my problems, like I should fix them myself because he did not agree that there were problems in our relationship. We divorced because he would not take my concerns seriously enough to even discuss them in counseling with me.

Ultimately, I don't know that there are changes he could have made that would've made me happy in our marriage, but his refusal to even try and insistence that it was my problem definitely precluded that.