Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

It will probably come out in counseling that he is having an affair.

[Anonymous]

It’s a sad state of affairs that we are saying no man on earth could ever be unhappy and want to go to counseling to work on things.

I have no point other than to say we don’t think very highly of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

Rather than feeling like he is a monster and you are an angel, you should ask yourself: Have I been a good partner in this relationship?
The fact that he hasn't said anything to you and wants to go to counseling is an indication that he doesn't feel like you are listening to him. Maybe you are overbearing. Maybe you are always judgmental and have never given him the space to be comfortable to express these things to you. We don't know but you should know.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Wow this response above is phenomenal.

It took me years to realize that I was a bad partner. I look back and I am embarrassed. I don’t ever want to be that partner again. Nothing major, just a lot of small things that I did added up. I have zero tropes or catchy phrases to summarize the end of my marriage. We did not simply grow apart.

My behavior eroded and he reacted.

More to his side of the story, and there’s more to his actions, but I only focus on myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this response above is phenomenal.

It took me years to realize that I was a bad partner. I look back and I am embarrassed. I don’t ever want to be that partner again. Nothing major, just a lot of small things that I did added up. I have zero tropes or catchy phrases to summarize the end of my marriage. We did not simply grow apart.

My behavior eroded and he reacted.

More to his side of the story, and there’s more to his actions, but I only focus on myself.

What sorts of things did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

Unless you were spending a lot of time together, being affectionate, and having sex 3-4 times a week, it's not similar. I'm not saying your wife shouldn't have communicated better, but she was exiting it sounds like over a period of months. All-of-a-sudden announcing you've been unhappy for years with no signs is something different, and it means the issue is less likely to be about something that OP even can fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

Unless you were spending a lot of time together, being affectionate, and having sex 3-4 times a week, it's not similar. I'm not saying your wife shouldn't have communicated better, but she was exiting it sounds like over a period of months. All-of-a-sudden announcing you've been unhappy for years with no signs is something different, and it means the issue is less likely to be about something that OP even can fix.

Fair—but I didn't say the situation was the same, just similar. And in the sense of suddenly realizing that my ex was unhappy, it was similar (even if the suddenness owed a lot to me being oblivious).

Anyway, the broader point was that OP now knows that her DH is unhappy and has the chance to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we are saying no man on earth could ever be unhappy and want to go to counseling to work on things.

I have no point other than to say we don’t think very highly of them.

Well that’s according to this board which seems to be full of women whose husbands cheated.

Personally if my husband told me he was unhappy I would believe him and try to reflect on why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

You're having sex 3-4 times a week? Sorry, don't buy it. Also, welcome to being a man. Everything on the surface looks "fine". Doesn't mean crap. Men are only loved when they can supply something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

I went through something similar. I had also been married about 15 years and thought my marriage was going reasonably well. Sure, we had arguments, and things seemed more distant than they used to be. And my wife had started sleeping in the guest room, but she said it was because I had started snoring again.

Then I woke up one morning and my wife and most of her personal possessions were all gone. She never said that she was unhappy, never suggested counseling, never said that she thought we were heading for divorce. She just left.

OP, I don't want to "look on the bright side!" at you in what's a difficult time, but the "good" news is that you have a chance to fix things. I hope you can.

PP, was there someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

You're having sex 3-4 times a week? Sorry, don't buy it. Also, welcome to being a man. Everything on the surface looks "fine". Doesn't mean crap. Men are only loved when they can supply something.

If this is true, why do women usually stay with their husbands following a cancer diagnosis, while the men typically leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we are saying no man on earth could ever be unhappy and want to go to counseling to work on things.

I have no point other than to say we don’t think very highly of them.

Well that’s according to this board which seems to be full of women whose husbands cheated.

Personally if my husband told me he was unhappy I would believe him and try to reflect on why.

Np: I did this (believed him, reflected on why, tried my best to change my behavior and to understand his unhappiness, even though it seemed inexplicable to me). It turned out he was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Did you put on weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we are saying no man on earth could ever be unhappy and want to go to counseling to work on things.

I have no point other than to say we don’t think very highly of them.

Well that’s according to this board which seems to be full of women whose husbands cheated.

Personally if my husband told me he was unhappy I would believe him and try to reflect on why.

Np: I did this (believed him, reflected on why, tried my best to change my behavior and to understand his unhappiness, even though it seemed inexplicable to me). It turned out he was having an affair.

Likewise. And I'm not saying don't believe him and listen, but if what he's saying doesn't make sense, let yourself notice that.