Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

My husband said this too. It turned out he was having an affair. He also began drinking 5-6 drinks every night in an attempt to cope with the stress.

After discovery of the affair, we briefly went to the marriage counseling, but it wasn't all that helpful because it wasn't a me problem. He's been in individual counseling ever since (the last 9 years) and that has made a huge difference. He's learned how to cope with stress, how to address his needs, etc.

He was highly conflict avoidant before therapy. I didn't realize it . . . I always say my piece when I have an issue. I did notice that sometimes when I was addressing a small issue, he'd suddenly unleash a barrage of big issues. It felt like he was trying to deflect and turn things back around on me, but what was really happening was that his conflict avoidant brain said, "Oh, we are talking about bad things now, I'll throw all my bad things on the pile." He had to learn that talking about hard stuff doesn't have to mean conflict and that he should bring it up calmly when it's bothering him rather than letting it build up.

I hope you get some clarity on what is really going on with him. We marry people with different strengths and weaknesses than ours. I always thought the golden rule was to treat others how you want to be treated, but sometimes people operate differently than we do. The real trick is to treat them how *they* want to be treated. And that takes communication and effort. Hopefully you'll have a good therapist and can get to the root of these things.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. This is very difficult information to hear, especially, when it comes as a surprise. This also happened to me. My ex-husband mentioned counseling but it was just too late. I also don't ever want to be with someone who isn't 100% in and so we got divorced. Getting blindsided hurts especially when you didn't realize there were any issues.

Hope you are able to move forward in whatever direction is best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

First, let me say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

What did you think wasn't perfect? Just wondering if it was things that you were willing to look past that he couldn't? Not trying to blame you or anything, just trying to help you figure this out so hopefully you can get to the root cause and emerge from this in a stronger place.

Thank you. I am feeling really broken right now.

We both work and have small kids, one of whom has complex medical needs. So there are definitely challenges with time, balancing all of the responsibilities we both have. Little fights like who is taking on more, etc. I don’t love that but thought it was fairly normal and this has been a particularly hard stretch in terms of obligations. At the end of the day I still thought of us as a team, and he says that he just has a lot of resentment.

It’s not an affair, we both WFH and I have open access to all his devices (as he does for me). Maybe like PPs said some sort of midlife crisis.

I never thought of him as a prop, like I said I always thought we were a team. I’m just sad to hear he’s been feeling like this for so long without saying anything. I feel heartbroken.

I just want to say, it's not easy, but it is still possible. I'm not willing to share details, but just because you both WFH and are pretty transparent doesn't mean there isn't an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed.

Does he always keep secrets and have such poor communication with you on important matters?

He sounds like an immature runaway train, telling himself and whomever will listen a bunch of lies.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

+1. I expressed to my DH months ago that I was unhappy and felt very alone. He seemed surprised but didn’t have much to say and hasn’t initiated any talks or check-ins. Truth is that he has gained weight which affects my desire, he’s often checked out at home, doesn’t initiate and when he does he brings zero desire or passion. He also doesn’t ever ask me about what my long terms goals or vision are, there is no talk about the next 5, 10, 20 years, and no connection. I know it’s not all on him. I don’t really understand how he can walk around thinking everything is peachy. I think because it’s easier for him. We’re both conflict avoidant but he won’t even acknowledge anything in his own head.

[Anonymous]

I won’t go to meetings unless I’m being paid or know what it’s about. It has served me well in life. I won’t participate in a relationship with someone who uncorks, then expects me to say “okay” because they said “counseling”. Husband can go to whatever counselor he likes. You can join him or not.

My gut reaction is that this is a gender flip, or he’s about to tell you he did something illegal. I’d be furious at the marriage counseling suggestion, unless you did the illegal thing with him, you are under no obligation to stand by or support him.
All this to say, whatever you did or didn’t do op, you don’t need to be treated this way and I wouldn’t. There is only so open anybody can be before it becomes a detriment. As I tell my kids “I love you, I care about you, of course I’ll have an opinion on what you’re doing”. Same goes for my husband, there are certain things I simply don’t want to be involved in and since my husband is an adult, I am not obligated to put up with secret squirrel nonsense. This is what your husband is doing and he’s setting it up so you are accepting blame. F**** that.

[Anonymous]

I can understand wanting to be in a room with a therapist present before saying "I can't deal with the kids and Larlo's complex medical issues anymore. I feel like running away or blowing my brains out if I can't escape."

[Anonymous]

16:41 An affair would be easier to cope with than that, imo. Stop focusing on the affair and start on what is making him unhappy for a long time. That's why he wants therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I won’t go to meetings unless I’m being paid or know what it’s about. It has served me well in life. I won’t participate in a relationship with someone who uncorks, then expects me to say “okay” because they said “counseling”. Husband can go to whatever counselor he likes. You can join him or not.

My gut reaction is that this is a gender flip, or he’s about to tell you he did something illegal. I’d be furious at the marriage counseling suggestion, unless you did the illegal thing with him, you are under no obligation to stand by or support him.
All this to say, whatever you did or didn’t do op, you don’t need to be treated this way and I wouldn’t. There is only so open anybody can be before it becomes a detriment. As I tell my kids “I love you, I care about you, of course I’ll have an opinion on what you’re doing”. Same goes for my husband, there are certain things I simply don’t want to be involved in and since my husband is an adult, I am not obligated to put up with secret squirrel nonsense. This is what your husband is doing and he’s setting it up so you are accepting blame. F**** that.

Wow, this is a pretty hostile response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

+1. I expressed to my DH months ago that I was unhappy and felt very alone. He seemed surprised but didn’t have much to say and hasn’t initiated any talks or check-ins. Truth is that he has gained weight which affects my desire, he’s often checked out at home, doesn’t initiate and when he does he brings zero desire or passion. He also doesn’t ever ask me about what my long terms goals or vision are, there is no talk about the next 5, 10, 20 years, and no connection. I know it’s not all on him. I don’t really understand how he can walk around thinking everything is peachy. I think because it’s easier for him. We’re both conflict avoidant but he won’t even acknowledge anything in his own head.

My aspergers spouse is the same way, avoids all non-work topics and conversations, plays the victim when forced to. I’ve written him off and am ready for anything. Kids aren’t launched yet either. He knows barely anything about them as people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could also mean that he knows anything he says outside of counseling would fall on deaf ears. Some people hear only what they want to hear, and the fact that OP thinks their marriage was really good makes me wonder.

All of the 3 explanations are possible. Plus more.

My vote is he’s a passive, clueless idiot who thinks the counselor is going to figure it all out for him and tell Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband said this too. It turned out he was having an affair. He also began drinking 5-6 drinks every night in an attempt to cope with the stress.

After discovery of the affair, we briefly went to the marriage counseling, but it wasn't all that helpful because it wasn't a me problem. He's been in individual counseling ever since (the last 9 years) and that has made a huge difference. He's learned how to cope with stress, how to address his needs, etc.

He was highly conflict avoidant before therapy. I didn't realize it . . . I always say my piece when I have an issue. I did notice that sometimes when I was addressing a small issue, he'd suddenly unleash a barrage of big issues. It felt like he was trying to deflect and turn things back around on me, but what was really happening was that his conflict avoidant brain said, "Oh, we are talking about bad things now, I'll throw all my bad things on the pile." He had to learn that talking about hard stuff doesn't have to mean conflict and that he should bring it up calmly when it's bothering him rather than letting it build up.

I hope you get some clarity on what is really going on with him. We marry people with different strengths and weaknesses than ours. I always thought the golden rule was to treat others how you want to be treated, but sometimes people operate differently than we do. The real trick is to treat them how *they* want to be treated. And that takes communication and effort. Hopefully you'll have a good therapist and can get to the root of these things.

Very similar. The midlife crisis/self unhappiness, affair, increased and secret drinking due to extreme stress from doing it and then regretting/trying to get out w/out blowing up life.

All pretty much a shock 16/17 years in.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry. It's very rare for men to voice any displeasure in their marriage. We tend to hold it in and go about our days.

[Anonymous]

^ also a “him” problem- also nothing in marriage counseling - zero marriage complaints. Lot of self issues required individual counseling.