Husband says he’s been unhappy for a long time

[Anonymous]

Burned out on the complex medical needs. That's not PC to say so he wants to say it in therapy. He doesn't like the team and it's not what he signed up for.
Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be an emotional affair? Perhaps he reconnected with someone on Facebook, etc? The suddenness of this and the fact that he can’t articulate what he’s resentful about - despite the fact that he presented this as “brink of divorce”…it seems like he’s trying to justify something. Or he has a crush on someone. Or midlife crisis.

Exactly. Suddenness + vagueness + level of intensity.

[Anonymous]

My husband said this. It turned out the issue was my weight. I was a size 10 when we married and a size 14 after 15 years and a few babies.

It’s been hard to continue having sex with him after this. We try, but I just can’t get into it.

I’m looking into plastic surgery, but I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Look, a symptom of unhappiness is the belief that it has been this way “forever.” It’s not necessarily true. He’s interpreting a story based on the present moment.

It is unusual he is asking to go to counseling. It could be a great sign. It could also be that there’s something going on he’s scared to tell you. Men having affairs often claim they have “been unhappy a long time.” It’s a cliche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, a symptom of unhappiness is the belief that it has been this way “forever.” It’s not necessarily true. He’s interpreting a story based on the present moment.

It is unusual he is asking to go to counseling. It could be a great sign. It could also be that there’s something going on he’s scared to tell you. Men having affairs often claim they have “been unhappy a long time.” It’s a cliche.

I was about to say this^. Mine came out of the blue with that “not happy” when in a “no strings” affair. It came a time when he was struggling to get out of it and increasing alcohol use in secret too. Blindsided by both since zero warning signs- except he had started therapy for himself. It wasn’t revealed in therapy to me. I never went until after confession. Major midlife crisis. But some do use couples therapy to reveal dark secrets in a “safe space”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, a symptom of unhappiness is the belief that it has been this way “forever.” It’s not necessarily true. He’s interpreting a story based on the present moment.

It is unusual he is asking to go to counseling. It could be a great sign. It could also be that there’s something going on he’s scared to tell you. Men having affairs often claim they have “been unhappy a long time.” It’s a cliche.

DP. This makes sense to me. I work with a lot of people who are chronically suicidal, and they will tell me that they are “always” thinking about suicide. But when I probe further, usually they can articulate something like, “The last time I really thought about suicide was yesterday at 3pm when I brought dinner to my mom’s house and she made a snide remark.”

Counseling might be really helpful, OP. My guess is that you are not the cause of 100% of every unhappy moment he has had, and you are probably the cause of a lot of really happy ones too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

Mine was like that all throughout the affair. Same timeframe- midlife. It’s not uncommon since depressed men often use affairs as “medication” for dopamine. They will often become even more affectionate at home, do nicer things, be more loving, etc. but eventually the stress of the lies becomes way too much and what was an escape/fix starts causing great psychological torment.

[Anonymous]

^ and the wasn’t happy is a big rewrite of history for justification of their actions and the shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, a symptom of unhappiness is the belief that it has been this way “forever.” It’s not necessarily true. He’s interpreting a story based on the present moment.

It is unusual he is asking to go to counseling. It could be a great sign. It could also be that there’s something going on he’s scared to tell you. Men having affairs often claim they have “been unhappy a long time.” It’s a cliche.

Are most of your chronically suicidal people women? Just curious. I have a niece was is “ always “ claiming wild things like this. It’s hard to know when their words are SO different from their actions.

DP. This makes sense to me. I work with a lot of people who are chronically suicidal, and they will tell me that they are “always” thinking about suicide. But when I probe further, usually they can articulate something like, “The last time I really thought about suicide was yesterday at 3pm when I brought dinner to my mom’s house and she made a snide remark.”

Counseling might be really helpful, OP. My guess is that you are not the cause of 100% of every unhappy moment he has had, and you are probably the cause of a lot of really happy ones too.

[Anonymous]

It’s probably nothing to do with you. Raising a family in a metro area these days is hard. Both spouses need to work, the kids are over scheduled and can’t get themselves anywhere, meals don’t prepare themselves, and everything is insanely expensive. He’s probably just overwhelmed with this stage of life, but it gets better when the oldest kid gets their license. Go through the process with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, a symptom of unhappiness is the belief that it has been this way “forever.” It’s not necessarily true. He’s interpreting a story based on the present moment.

It is unusual he is asking to go to counseling. It could be a great sign. It could also be that there’s something going on he’s scared to tell you. Men having affairs often claim they have “been unhappy a long time.” It’s a cliche.

Are most of your chronically suicidal people women? Just curious. I have a niece was is “ always “ claiming wild things like this. It’s hard to know when their words are SO different from their actions.

DP. This makes sense to me. I work with a lot of people who are chronically suicidal, and they will tell me that they are “always” thinking about suicide. But when I probe further, usually they can articulate something like, “The last time I really thought about suicide was yesterday at 3pm when I brought dinner to my mom’s house and she made a snide remark.”

Counseling might be really helpful, OP. My guess is that you are not the cause of 100% of every unhappy moment he has had, and you are probably the cause of a lot of really happy ones too.

Yes. They are mostly women. I’m not sure what you mean when you say that their words are SO different from their actions. The people I see are adults. When they were teens, they were typically cutting. By the time I see them, they are in and out of the medical hospital and psychiatric hospital with more serious attempts.

I would believe that your niece is having suicidal thoughts and needs help, the same way that I believe that OP’s husband is unhappy and would benefit from counseling. But it’s a lot easier to wrap your mind around making things better when you can realize that it is discreet moments that bring about these thoughts, rather than a constant state of being and part of the fabric of who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Burned out on the complex medical needs. That's not PC to say so he wants to say it in therapy. He doesn't like the team and it's not what he signed up for.
Sorry.

Yup. He's envisioning dealing with this and paying for it for the rest of his life, and he hates it, and he hates himself for feeling this way. He's at risk for self-medicating with an affair or alcohol. Some men are great with this kind of parenting but many are not.

Probably the only thing that will help him is individual therapy, or OP taking a massively disproportionate share of the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that he doesn't want to articulate what the resentments are in a specific way until you go to counseling. I'd be concerned about what that could mean. "We haven't shared household work in a fair way for years" isn't that hard to say. "I'm in love with neighbor Larla" is.

This could definitely be it, I’m not disagreeing.

But it could also be that DH is conflict avoidant, or that every time he feels he articulates his needs, it turns into a fight and he ends up losing.

[Anonymous]

If it's burned out on complex medical needs, wants third party there to support both of you and prevent dramatic argument spirals to the point of no return. Good idea, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of last week I would have told you that we had an amazingly strong marriage, but DH recently told me that he’s been unhappy for a long time and wants to go to counseling. We have been married for 15 years and I thought we were a team, parenting, sex 3-4 times a week, lots of loving language and affection.

I feel devastated that he has been holding on to resentment for so long without saying anything. I definitely didn’t think things were perfect but to hear him tell it we were heading towards divorce- and I had no idea. I feel stupid and sad. He also can’t be specific about what resentment he has towards me, so it’s not like I can even start to make changes.

I know the answer is to at least try counseling but has anyone else gone through this? I am really struggling with the fact that he held on to these feelings for so long, I feel betrayed and upset.

Sorry to sound cynical, but something is missing. Most men who get sex 3-4x per week plus lots of love language and affection are happy enough. Women are more likely than men to withdraw from a marriage for latent resentment. I hope you get to the bottom of this. You have kids and special needs, so the grass isn't greener if he leaves (unless he intends to just walk out completely and not take custody).