Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your DH that you support any opportunity he wants to take the kids and visit her just as he supported you when you had the same situation with your parent. Tell him anytime he chooses to leave work you won’t have an issue with him missing meals or whatever because you know he wants to put his mother first.

Then drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

Di you ask her to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your DH that you support any opportunity he wants to take the kids and visit her just as he supported you when you had the same situation with your parent. Tell him anytime he chooses to leave work you won’t have an issue with him missing meals or whatever because you know he wants to put his mother first.

Then drop the rope.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

What did I just read???

Your husband can drive the kids when he is available. How many times did your husband drive out to visit your dad when he was sick? How many times did he do it alone without you? Follow his lead on this.

This is not petty. It’s just the opposite. Don’t martyr yourself to the point that you become resentful.

The one thing I do agree is that your children are watching. If you teach your boys that it’s their future wife’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, that is exactly what they will do. Is that you want? Do you want your son visiting you or do you want him to outsource your relationship to his wife?

[Anonymous]

I'd go once for the kids to see their grandmother. Then leave it up to DH after that. This is about teaching your kids rather than giving in to grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

What did I just read???

Your husband can drive the kids when he is available. How many times did your husband drive out to visit your dad when he was sick? How many times did he do it alone without you? Follow his lead on this.

This is not petty. It’s just the opposite. Don’t martyr yourself to the point that you become resentful.

The one thing I do agree is that your children are watching. If you teach your boys that it’s their future wife’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, that is exactly what they will do. Is that you want? Do you want your son visiting you or do you want him to outsource your relationship to his wife?

Unfortunately, many (not all) DHs wouldn't see their mothers if not for their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

No. Your DH can find time to visit her. I wouldn't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

What did I just read???

Your husband can drive the kids when he is available. How many times did your husband drive out to visit your dad when he was sick? How many times did he do it alone without you? Follow his lead on this.

This is not petty. It’s just the opposite. Don’t martyr yourself to the point that you become resentful.

The one thing I do agree is that your children are watching. If you teach your boys that it’s their future wife’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, that is exactly what they will do. Is that you want? Do you want your son visiting you or do you want him to outsource your relationship to his wife?

Unfortunately, many (not all) DHs wouldn't see their mothers if not for their wives.

My DH is 100% like this. It makes me sad but I can’t change it and am tired of doing all the work for my elderly parents and also encouraging him to have a relationship with his mom. What is this rooted in? Sure she’s annoying but she’s not a terrible person. I just don’t understand men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go once for the kids to see their grandmother. Then leave it up to DH after that. This is about teaching your kids rather than giving in to grandma

I’m not teaching my kids that I should go the extra mile for people who are deliberately rude and disrespectful to me. If people are respectful and kind to me, of course I go out of my way for them and go the extra mile for them. People who choose to be unkind and disrespectful get nothing from me, unless there is a sincere apology and a marked change in behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go once for the kids to see their grandmother. Then leave it up to DH after that. This is about teaching your kids rather than giving in to grandma

I’m not teaching my kids that I should go the extra mile for people who are deliberately rude and disrespectful to me. If people are respectful and kind to me, of course I go out of my way for them and go the extra mile for them. People who choose to be unkind and disrespectful get nothing from me, unless there is a sincere apology and a marked change in behavior.

Several years ago this MIL complained TO HER SON that she was not getting to see her grandkids as much as OP's sick father. That was wrong, thoughtless, and self-centered. She shouldn't have said it. And OP was absolutely right not to cave to that and make the effort to visit at that time.

Today, that woman is recovering from major surgery and wants people to visit. OP's DH should bear that burden, yes. But if he *truly* is not able, then it would be a nice thing to do to take the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look in the mirror. What kind of person do you see? There's your answer.

NP. I don’t see a doormat, that’s for damn sure. And that really gets under the skin of people who steamroll, manipulate, and behave childishly toward me. If you want people to have a good relationship with you and do favors for you, you treat them with respect and kindness. Hmm, I wonder why it bothers you that many of us are waking up, shaking off the gendered expectations, and are moving accordingly when people don’t treat us well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

The right thing is DH making his mother a priority, and taking his kids to see his mother when she is ill. Four paragraphs and not once did you mention the man in all this, the son in all this, the father of the grandchildren. The internalized misogyny is strong with you. Grow up and save your chastisements for the actual son of this ill woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

The right thing is DH making his mother a priority, and taking his kids to see his mother when she is ill. Four paragraphs and not once did you mention the man in all this, the son in all this, the father of the grandchildren. The internalized misogyny is strong with you. Grow up and save your chastisements for the actual son of this ill woman.

DP, but PP actually did mention the man in the second paragraph....indicating that it was up to him to take them. So....