Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s wrong. Your spouse can take the kids to visit her. This is on him.

[Anonymous]

Looks like the MIL found your thread. You’re going to get all kinds of mean-spirited comments on here, telling you to be the bigger person, etc. Nope. Let the natural consequence of your MIL’s actions take over. If the son she raised finds it important enough to prioritize visits, he is more than welcome to do so. She can direct all of her complaints to him. I would not twist myself into a pretzel to visit her.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go and it wouldn’t be out of spite. I just wouldn’t. Not my parent and I don’t have anything more than a casual relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go and it wouldn’t be out of spite. I just wouldn’t. Not my parent and I don’t have anything more than a casual relationship with her.

This.

Also can’t help but notice it doesn’t seem as though your DH went above and beyond for your dad? Not that he should, but then why should you?

[Anonymous]

His family, his effort.

[Anonymous]

I'm a MIL and I think it's up to your DH to take the kids to go see her. It's HIS mother. And I'm not saying this for a spiteful reason at all.

[Anonymous]

You are not being spiteful or petty at all, OP.

Physically, you *could* visit more. But that's the kind of stretch you would do for loved one, or maybe for a best friend. Not for a MIL that you don't like very much. Actions and words have consequences. If she had been a second mother to you, you'd make an effort. This is a her problem, not a you problem.

[Anonymous]

I have never visited in laws without Dh. No, I don’t think it is spiteful. DH should visit his mom.

My MIL recently had surgery and both DH and his BIL flew to see her. Taking the kids was never mentioned.

Both my mom and dad have lots of health problems. I drive to see them often with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

Whoa. Back up. You’re not doing anything “on purpose.” You don’t want to visit her. That’s perfectly fine. You are not obligated to do so. Her son is obligated. But you are not.
Drop the drama and stop building a cross for yourself. Let your husband decide to go or not go. It’s on him. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

PP here. I’m sorry that is all you took from what I wrote.

Like I said, OP shouldn’t feel badly if she chooses not to go. It also wouldn’t be wrong if she did choose to go.

[Anonymous]

At least she wants to see them, unlike my MIL who really has no interest in any of her grandchildren.