Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

Your husband can take them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

Are you accomplishing anything here?
-OP gets to have her time with her kids at home.

Do you think she will learn her lesson?
-Irrelevant question. Setting boundaries isn’t about teaching a lesson.

Do you feel good about what you’re doing?
-If I were OP, I’d feel great about setting boundaries, not being manipulated into making visits and creating space for my spouse to connect with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go and it wouldn’t be out of spite. I just wouldn’t. Not my parent and I don’t have anything more than a casual relationship with her.

This.

Also can’t help but notice it doesn’t seem as though your DH went above and beyond for your dad? Not that he should, but then why should you?

Yeah. No need to make it all convoluted about consequences for her behavior or whatever, just…you took your kids to see your hospitalized parent, your DH is more than welcome to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

Are you accomplishing anything here?
-OP gets to have her time with her kids at home.

Do you think she will learn her lesson?
-Irrelevant question. Setting boundaries isn’t about teaching a lesson.

Do you feel good about what you’re doing?
-If I were OP, I’d feel great about setting boundaries, not being manipulated into making visits and creating space for my spouse to connect with his mother.

What is the boundary exactly that is being set here?

[Anonymous]

OP, being petty and spiteful will hurt you more than it hurts your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

You seem to think OP is doing this to accomplish/teach her MIL something. The better question is, "Do you feel like expending your energy on this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

Are you accomplishing anything here?
-OP gets to have her time with her kids at home.

Do you think she will learn her lesson?
-Irrelevant question. Setting boundaries isn’t about teaching a lesson.

Do you feel good about what you’re doing?
-If I were OP, I’d feel great about setting boundaries, not being manipulated into making visits and creating space for my spouse to connect with his mother.

What is the boundary exactly that is being set here?

Not being guilted into visiting MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP you're not wrong, and you don't have an obligation to visit your MIL. I don't have much of a relationship with my MIL and generally let DH handle everything with his family, but I would consider taking my kids to see her because my MIL is my kids' grandmother. I think they'd want to see her. That depends on the ages of your kids and what visiting rules the hospital may have (assuming she's in the hospital). How often I visited would depend on how often my kids wanted to visit. But you're not wrong, you don't have to visit.

[Anonymous]

He can take them, You have to protect your sanity. Also, if it gets to be too much for the kids, that needs to factor in as well. Some elders will gladly eat their own young with the demands and entitlement.She guys figure out your boundaries and beans don't factor in.

[Anonymous]

How long is the drive to MIL?

How old are your kids?

And what relationship does your kids have with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

Are you accomplishing anything here?
-OP gets to have her time with her kids at home.

Do you think she will learn her lesson?
-Irrelevant question. Setting boundaries isn’t about teaching a lesson.

Do you feel good about what you’re doing?
-If I were OP, I’d feel great about setting boundaries, not being manipulated into making visits and creating space for my spouse to connect with his mother.

What is the boundary exactly that is being set here?

Not being guilted into visiting MIL.

+1 that OP isn't responsive to manipulation

[Anonymous]

Do you not like her in general?
I’d take the kids to see her at least once or twice personally.
I know she didn’t offer but you could have asked her to watch the kids, or DH could have, while you went to see your Dad.
It may not have occured to her to offer if she thought your dad enjoyed seeing them.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been through several major surgeries, having kids around is too exhausting. You are doing her a favor by skipping the visit. My kids would come spend a few minutes a day in my room but that was enough. So have your kids FaceTime her for 10 minutes every few days and that’s sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you accomplishing anything here? Do you think she will "learn her lesson"? Do you feel good about what you're doing?

If you can answer yes to one or both, maybe you can keep this up. If you have doubts, err on the side of being the bigger person.

Are you accomplishing anything here?
-OP gets to have her time with her kids at home.

Do you think she will learn her lesson?
-Irrelevant question. Setting boundaries isn’t about teaching a lesson.

Do you feel good about what you’re doing?
-If I were OP, I’d feel great about setting boundaries, not being manipulated into making visits and creating space for my spouse to connect with his mother.

What is the boundary exactly that is being set here?

Not being guilted into visiting MIL.

+1 that OP isn't responsive to manipulation

Responding to manipulation would have been visiting her years ago when OP was also dealing with her own father.
Visiting her now while recovering from major surgery would just be a choice...