Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

WTF? No kid is every going to ask that. Instead, they're going to ask their father why he didn't take them to see his parents more - if they even care.

My DH's extended family have been unwelcoming and rude to me. As they were growing up, I rarely attended DH's extended family events because of it. DH chose to attend with the kids. When the kids asked me why I was staying home, I was clear about why. As the kids got older, they saw the dysfunction - particlularly because it was clear that DD was the favored child and treated as such. I was very proud that they were able to identify what was going on and chose not to subject themselves to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're not a jerk. Let him deal with his mother. Obviously if she was kind and you two had a great relationship, that's one thing. But she doesn't sound nice so I wouldn't bend over backwards if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

Ummm, no. The MIL complained so DIL could hear. She was being mean on purpose. If all she had done was FEEL upset, that's one thing.

[Anonymous]

Presumably your dad needed help and didn’t just want company - otherwise you wouldn’t have dragged your kids there every weekend.

If MIL needs help around the house or someone to assist with caretaking to give her spouse a break, I would find it within myself to make a few trips. If she just wants company because she’s bored and can’t do her normal pickle ball or water aerobics - too bad. Let her son figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I hope you don't have a son. If so, hope your future DIL likes you. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don't have a son. If so, hope your future DIL likes you. A lot.

Puh-lease. I'm sure OP understands how to be a good MIL given what her own MIL has done.

[Anonymous]

If I had the time and it was close by, I’d go once. Then, not my circus, not my monkeys. If it requires time off from work or long distance travel? Nope, that’s H’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

So far, really well! Kids are young adults. Middle DD just dropped by the house this afternoon to chat and oldest DS called to see if I wanted to get coffee on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

So far, really well! Kids are young adults. Middle DD just dropped by the house this afternoon to chat and oldest DS called to see if I wanted to get coffee on Sunday.

NP. That’s awesome. Good for you for raising your sons and daughters to recognize manipulative, controlling people, and to set boundaries or steer clear. Controlling people like “I wonder how this will work out for you…” PP are freaking out because we have ushered in a new era of mental and emotional health, we recognize and break bad patterns, and controlling/manipulative/gossipy people are freaking out because the game is up and we’ve got their numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

So far, really well! Kids are young adults. Middle DD just dropped by the house this afternoon to chat and oldest DS called to see if I wanted to get coffee on Sunday.

NP. That’s awesome. Good for you for raising your sons and daughters to recognize manipulative, controlling people, and to set boundaries or steer clear. Controlling people like “I wonder how this will work out for you…” PP are freaking out because we have ushered in a new era of mental and emotional health, we recognize and break bad patterns, and controlling/manipulative/gossipy people are freaking out because the game is up and we’ve got their numbers.

+1 Preach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

So far, really well! Kids are young adults. Middle DD just dropped by the house this afternoon to chat and oldest DS called to see if I wanted to get coffee on Sunday.

NP. That’s awesome. Good for you for raising your sons and daughters to recognize manipulative, controlling people, and to set boundaries or steer clear. Controlling people like “I wonder how this will work out for you…” PP are freaking out because we have ushered in a new era of mental and emotional health, we recognize and break bad patterns, and controlling/manipulative/gossipy people are freaking out because the game is up and we’ve got their numbers.

This doesn't seem to be working. We're in a mental health crisis and it's only getting worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

WTF! The MIL was being manipulative. She was trying to guilt OP into behave in the way MIL wanted OP to behave. Rather than being supportive at a time OP was taxed, she added to OP's mental load. It doesn't matter what her motivation was, she chose to make things harder for OP.

The behavior I choose to model for my kids is that you reap what you sow. Manipulation and self-centeredness should not be accommodated. They are not responsible for filling a user's bucket out of their own.

I wonder how this will work out for you...

So far, really well! Kids are young adults. Middle DD just dropped by the house this afternoon to chat and oldest DS called to see if I wanted to get coffee on Sunday.

NP. That’s awesome. Good for you for raising your sons and daughters to recognize manipulative, controlling people, and to set boundaries or steer clear. Controlling people like “I wonder how this will work out for you…” PP are freaking out because we have ushered in a new era of mental and emotional health, we recognize and break bad patterns, and controlling/manipulative/gossipy people are freaking out because the game is up and we’ve got their numbers.

This doesn't seem to be working. We're in a mental health crisis and it's only getting worse.

You’ve got a mouse in your pocket? Who is “we”? I am worlds better for setting boundaries and limiting contact with people who don’t deserve my time and energy. P.S. “We” have had mental health issues for centuries, we just didn’t talk about them, or have the tools to address them. Older generations put stigma on therapy and treatments and working through issues. They drowned their sorrows in alcohol, drugs, affairs, and sent their “difficult” kids to institutions and got their “hysterical” wives lobotomies. You really think NOW is the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

And if one of yours is a girl one day you may be a mother in law too. Mothers in law are the mother of anyone you’re married to, male or female and whether is a same sex marriage or opposite sex marriage.

[Anonymous]

I’d go w the kids if it was within an hour drive or so. Just to be a nice person.

I don’t think it’s wrong if you don’t go but you probably shouldn’t feel so self satisfied about it bc that kinda does make you seem like a petty person.

But I’m a person who looks at in laws like they are MY family too and not just my spouse’s family.