Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

I would order a meal delivery and make a phone call to check in for appearances sake, but wouldn’t take on anymore than that. I mean why should you do more than her own son?

And FWIW when my MIL was sick with cancer he visited her all the time (I went often as well) so I don’t buy into the whole sons disappear when they’re older stereotype. I suspect if your DH isn’t trying to find time to visit her then that tells me what type of mother she was.

Also, I’m curious what do you think she would do for you if things were reversed and you needed surgery?

[Anonymous]

By he I meant my DH. ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His family, his effort.

This!

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to go. But if you connect it to her feeling left out when you visited your dad, yes, you are petty and small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You're under no obligation to take the kids to see her. Any choice is valid here.

But a couple things jump out at me that I hope you are considering alongside your making a connection to what happened a couple years ago...

Whatever else, this is a woman who has been through major surgery. It is a kindness to visit. Assuming that other than the bean-counting you mention she is otherwise a relatively OK MIL and, more importantly, grandparent, it would be nice to take the kids a time or two. Yes, the obligation is on your DH, but if he truly does not have time and you do...

Also, what she did was not "mean." She had a self-centered view of the situation and vented it when she shouldn't have. That was not "mean" in the way that it was intended to hurt.

I also try to view things like this through the lens of how I want to model behavior for my kids or what I would want them to do in that situation.

Again, totally up to you and you are not wrong if you choose not to go. Just offering some other things to consider and other ways to look at the situation.

Ummm, no. The MIL complained so DIL could hear. She was being mean on purpose. If all she had done was FEEL upset, that's one thing.

Some of you are fragile

[Anonymous]

It's understandable to feel conflicted in this situation. When we face challenges or conflicts with family members, it can bring up a mix of emotions, especially when past actions have left a mark on our relationships. It's important to recognize that your feelings are valid, given the lack of support you felt during your own difficult time. However, how we choose to respond to these feelings can significantly impact our relationships and personal well-being.

Choosing not to visit your mother-in-law or not taking your children to see her is a decision that might provide short-term satisfaction but could lead to longer-term regret or family discord. It's also worth considering the impact on your children and their relationship with their grandmother, as well as your relationship with your husband.

It might be helpful to communicate openly with your husband about how you're feeling and why you're hesitant to make the effort to visit his mother. It could be an opportunity for both of you to discuss boundaries, expectations, and how to support each other in family matters.

If direct communication with your mother-in-law is something you're open to, it might be worth discussing your past experiences and current feelings with her. Sometimes, bringing these feelings to light can lead to understanding and healing.

If you're looking for a more neutral perspective or strategies on how to navigate this situation, speaking to a counselor or therapist could provide valuable insights and coping strategies.

Ultimately, the decision on how to proceed is deeply personal and should be made considering all the dynamics at play, including your well-being, family relationships, and what you feel is the right thing to do in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d go w the kids if it was within an hour drive or so. Just to be a nice person.

I don’t think it’s wrong if you don’t go but you probably shouldn’t feel so self satisfied about it bc that kinda does make you seem like a petty person.

But I’m a person who looks at in laws like they are MY family too and not just my spouse’s family.

So where was MIL when OP needed help? After all, if OP’s MIL is “MY family, too,” doesn’t that work both ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d go w the kids if it was within an hour drive or so. Just to be a nice person.

I don’t think it’s wrong if you don’t go but you probably shouldn’t feel so self satisfied about it bc that kinda does make you seem like a petty person.

But I’m a person who looks at in laws like they are MY family too and not just my spouse’s family.

So where was MIL when OP needed help? After all, if OP’s MIL is “MY family, too,” doesn’t that work both ways?

This. I just can’t get past complaining that you can’t see your grandchildren but then not offering to help in the way of watching them, especially during a difficult time.