Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

Look in the mirror. What kind of person do you see? There's your answer.

[Anonymous]

I would go once out of respect - with DH and kids and then just let DH go on his own or with kids as much as he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like the MIL found your thread. You’re going to get all kinds of mean-spirited comments on here, telling you to be the bigger person, etc. Nope. Let the natural consequence of your MIL’s actions take over. If the son she raised finds it important enough to prioritize visits, he is more than welcome to do so. She can direct all of her complaints to him. I would not twist myself into a pretzel to visit her.[/quote

There are so many women here who complain about their MIL wanting to see their son without the wife because it takes away for "their time". You can't have it both ways. Why can't the OP go just once?

[Anonymous]

I view petty and spiteful as separate things. You can be petty on inside about "No-one cared when my dad was suffering" and let DH handle taking the kids to see MIL by himself. What you can't be is spiteful by actively preventing DH from helping his mother or taking the kids to see her.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. WHy isn't your DH planning the trips to see his mom and bringing the kids with him? And from there, you decide if you will joint them?

Why is this something that's your responsibility OP? Genuinely confused?

[Anonymous]

You do the right thing because that's the person you want to be. But she doesn't get to decide. You decide. You have the power, always. No one gets to emotionally manipulate someone else. Just being mad doesn't make her right. She doesn't get her way just because she gets mad, otherwise. Let her stay mad.

[Anonymous]

11:00 poster again. Op, the answer should probably be: some. You make the mistake of wanting to have an extreme reaction -- and it's not ALL or Nothing. How about you give her 1 visit for every 3-4 she wants.

[Anonymous]

Judging by your MIL being jealous of your time caring for your dad, and her insistence on visitors now, I’m going to venture to say she’s always something she’s unhappy about and it’s not your job to make her happy. You should visit because she’s family, but visit the frequency that works for your family. And DH should be managing that relationship as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

As usual, this is a DH problem, not a MiL problem. The demands on your time to take care of aging parents are only going to increase and you can’t be expected to drop everything for your parents and his. Unless his current work situation is an anomaly it’s time to set expectations about how and when he’ll need to deprioritize work in order to care for his parents so the expectation is not that you’ll do it.

Also, when you were taking care of your dad - did it not occur to anyone to ask MiL if she’d be open to come stay with your kids while you were gone or have the kids come to her? Why were you and DH waiting around for her to offer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeing annoyed.

A couple years ago my dad had major surgery. It was in the middle of a snowy winter and I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then. At the time my MIL was complaining to DH within my earshot constantly about how unfair it was that they were spending “every weekend” with MY parents. Yes, she’s a bean counter. He would defend me, but I didn’t have the energy to defend myself. I was so angry because it wasn’t something I was doing TO her with malice, I didn’t love driving in snow and ice, it wasn’t a fun time. She never, not once, offered to spend time with them as a way of helping so I could visit my dad alone.

Now she’s had a major surgery and wants visitors constantly. DH is working a lot right now and I don’t have it in my heart to bend over backwards driving the kids to her. I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose. I think she never thought her meanness would have repercussions, or she might one day be in the position where she would NEED me.

Am I a jerk? How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?

You’re fine. As she sows, so she reaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

Look at the MIL posting here!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP, how is your DH getting out of this with no criticism or guilt trips? It seems really convenient that he’s always working when stuff hits the fan. My DH is like this so I know- when hard family stuff escalates he glues himself to his computer or schedules urgent work trips. But I’ve been with him long enough that I’ve seen him rearrange that same kind of stuff when it truly mattered to him (best friend’s wedding, taking care of beloved dog, interesting vacation opportunity) so I know that he hides behind work. It’s an excuse that families- especially parents- tolerate and even celebrate. My mom and MIL let my DH get away with murder because they both have a fixation on good providers.

Anyway, you can’t be the adult daughter to two different sets of parents. DH can take care of his family. You took care of yours.

[Anonymous]

If MIL is a priority and MIL seeing grandkids is a priority, your husband will make it a priority to visit her and/or bring them to visit her.

That's that.

[Anonymous]

I always wonder if behind these gendered expectations is sadness that the son/DH doesn’t care enough to visit himself. I’m sure she’d be happy to see your kids but it’s got to hurt you make time for your family but he doesn’t make time for his. It’s easier to blame you than for seeing it for the truth it is. People make time for their priorities. If your husband wanted to see her he would. You can’t fix this.

I agree with the previous poster that my actions are generally guided by what I think is best for my kids. My ILs are decent people and I think it benefits my kids to have a relationship with them so I try to make that happen. It’s not the same or equal to what they have with my parents but I find a balance best I can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s wrong. Your spouse can take the kids to visit her. This is on him.

Yep. This. If it is important enough, your husband can find time to take the kids.