Do I have a right to be petty and spiteful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being petty and spiteful. And, your children are watching and learning. And if one of yours is a boy, one day you will be the mother in law.

Suck it up buttercup, and go visit more often.

What did I just read???

Your husband can drive the kids when he is available. How many times did your husband drive out to visit your dad when he was sick? How many times did he do it alone without you? Follow his lead on this.

This is not petty. It’s just the opposite. Don’t martyr yourself to the point that you become resentful.

The one thing I do agree is that your children are watching. If you teach your boys that it’s their future wife’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with you, that is exactly what they will do. Is that you want? Do you want your son visiting you or do you want him to outsource your relationship to his wife?

Unfortunately, many (not all) DHs wouldn't see their mothers if not for their wives.

This is pretty common, even when the DHs love their parents. I don't get it. I'm also glad I at least have one daughter lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

The right thing is DH making his mother a priority, and taking his kids to see his mother when she is ill. Four paragraphs and not once did you mention the man in all this, the son in all this, the father of the grandchildren. The internalized misogyny is strong with you. Grow up and save your chastisements for the actual son of this ill woman.

What if it were a same-sex couple? Grow up and realize that gender isn't the answer for every conundrum that arises. There are lots of factors here that come into play which we are not privy to. Like what the spouse (in this case, a man) does for work, how flexible that job is, etc.

If this same scenario were presented as a same-sex couple, with the spouse being an ER doc and OP a part-time accountant who has traditionally (in their family) overseen most child care duties, then that is a factor that needs to be considered in who is better able to support the children's relationship with extended family.

[Anonymous]

^ Actually, OP does not identify themselves as a female so this COULD be a same-sex MALE couple.

Still misogynistic?

[Anonymous]

Every time she complained about my travel, I'd say, "MIL, we would LOVE it if you wanted to take them for the weekend! It would be great if I had more flexibility to focus on my dad in his hour of need. Let us know anytime they can stay with you

Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

Now? I wouldn't bend over backwards, but yes I would go visit when it's only a minor inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you asked her in a passive aggressive way. Why didn’t you or your husband, whose mother it is, ask her directly instead of playing games? My mom does the same stupid dance- “you’re welcome to come visit any time….. any time you want to come down……” and never actually asks us to come visit or make any actual plans. Use your adult words. I wouldn’t like to be “asked” that way either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you asked her in a passive aggressive way. Why didn’t you or your husband, whose mother it is, ask her directly instead of playing games? My mom does the same stupid dance- “you’re welcome to come visit any time….. any time you want to come down……” and never actually asks us to come visit or make any actual plans. Use your adult words. I wouldn’t like to be “asked” that way either.

huh? What do you think OP asked of the MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

I guess Dad isn't a leader in their lives, huh?

[Anonymous]

"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being a jerk, but not without justification. I don’t think you owe her a visit. You’re not obligated to visit her, but it would be a kindness. I wouldn’t count on your MIL being struck with remorse for his she treated you. I think this is more of a question of what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to model yourself after her bad example, or do you want to be a better person who will show kindness and grace to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.

Something else you might want to consider is your kids’ feelings on the matter. If they genuinely want yo visit grandma, it might be worth doing it for them. On the other hand, if they have no interest or if they’re busy and don’t want to set aside their plans, I think you’ve got more leeway and even additional justification for skipping the visits.

I agree with this up to the "justification" part.

OP, you know the answer: "I know it’s wrong and I’m doing it on purpose." The person you have to answer to is the one who stares back at you in the mirror. It is also the faces of your children when they ask you someday why YOUR parents' illnesses/time was more valuable than their paternal grandparents.

You may be explaining it away because it's not your parents but all of these people are your children's grandparents. How do you explain it to them? "Well, Grandma Larla is not nice to me and is self-absorbed. So I don't think we need to spend time with her. Ask your dad what he wants to do."

Is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? You are a leader in their lives, do the right thing.

I guess Dad isn't a leader in their lives, huh?

Why can't both parents be partners in leading and doing the right thing. Yes, DH should not be off the hook and it is misogynistic to ALWAYS expect the female to handle extended family matters. But if DH is working long hours as OP said, it is not misogynistic to partner to cover all bases- housework, kids activities, and taking the kids to see sick family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Actually, OP does not identify themselves as a female so this COULD be a same-sex MALE couple.

Still misogynistic?

OK, ask OP whether or not she is female. I will wait. I. Will. Wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

Um it sounds like DH himself created that dynamic when he didn't take the kids so his wife could visit her parents in their time of need, nor did he take the kids to see his ILs in their time of need. So...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

Um it sounds like DH himself created that dynamic when he didn't take the kids so his wife could visit her parents in their time of need, nor did he take the kids to see his ILs in their time of need. So...

Can you finish your sentence that starts with "so...". So, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

Um it sounds like DH himself created that dynamic when he didn't take the kids so his wife could visit her parents in their time of need, nor did he take the kids to see his ILs in their time of need. So...

Can you finish your sentence that starts with "so...". So, what?

NP
So your point is moot.

DH isn't "watching her pettiness", he sounds too self involved to care for his own children so she could visit her parents. It's not petty of her to want her husband to take care of his own mother instead of being forced to be everyones caregiver simply because she has a vagina.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

Um it sounds like DH himself created that dynamic when he didn't take the kids so his wife could visit her parents in their time of need, nor did he take the kids to see his ILs in their time of need. So...

Can you finish your sentence that starts with "so...". So, what?

NP. Are you dim? Please finish your answer to that genuine question. PP is saying that DH started the dynamic you accuse OP of creating. Nope, her parents were sick first, and he did nothing to help or to watch the kids, and MIL then complained. Welp, now that the shoe is on the other foot, no one gets to cry foul when OP does the exact same thing DH already did: nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"How wrong is it if I leave this 100% to DH to being the kids on HIS time?"

OP, it's interesting how you have phrased this whole situation. It's an "me against them" mindset which is a dangerous river to wade in.

Not only are your kids watching your pettiness, but your DH is as well. If you view family as something that should be cleanly fractured as "his side" and "your side," you may find yourself in a fractured marriage too.

Explain that to your kids.

Um it sounds like DH himself created that dynamic when he didn't take the kids so his wife could visit her parents in their time of need, nor did he take the kids to see his ILs in their time of need. So...

Can you finish your sentence that starts with "so...". So, what?

NP. Are you dim? Please finish your answer to that genuine question. PP is saying that DH started the dynamic you accuse OP of creating. Nope, her parents were sick first, and he did nothing to help or to watch the kids, and MIL then complained. Welp, now that the shoe is on the other foot, no one gets to cry foul when OP does the exact same thing DH already did: nothing.

PP you are responding to. Yes, I guess I am dim. PP answered my question and it was helpful.

Where are you getting that DH did nothing to help OP when her dad was sick? This is what she wrote:
"I was visiting 1-2 times a week, also usually bringing my kids along with me because it was the only thing that worked logistically since my husband was working weekends then."
He wasn't able to watch the kids when she went to see her dad because he was working. She also said that her husband defended her to MIL when MIL complained. You are just extrapolating that he is somehow a terrible guy.