Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

^^OP close your ears to this jerk.

PP literally equated it to taking out the trash.

that’s not what PP said but go ahead with your outrage - surely will make your wife want to have more sex!

No outrage, just facts. Women at that stage view it as a chore, just something else that needs to be done, and something they have no interest in initiating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH told me it would make. him happy if I initiate. I told him I'd be a total failure as a straight guy, because I am not an initiator. He pointed out that I initiate in other parts of my life - at work, with friends, etc. It got me thinking, and I am occasionally now initiating. But at first, he missed when I did it, because I guess it was too subtle?

DH gets SO happy when I initiate that it gives me the encouragement to do it more often. So now I probably initiate maybe a third of the time. He's only said no once, which I'm sure has helped.

Guys are given the warning not to mistake friendliness for an indication that a woman wants sex. The guys who are husband material have taken this to heart. So it’s a mistake to be ambiguous with initiations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing and start attracting.

She knows what you’re thinking so stop being needy, it’s repelling her.

Picture of yourself a decade ago, what were you like, what goals were you chasing, were your jackets tight around the bicep? Get yourself together and be attractive.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

^^OP close your ears to this jerk.

PP literally equated it to taking out the trash.

that’s not what PP said but go ahead with your outrage - surely will make your wife want to have more sex!

No outrage, just facts. Women at that stage view it as a chore, just something else that needs to be done, and something they have no interest in initiating.

great, have fun with your hand since you have such a negative view of women and are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you me OP? I could’ve written this exact same thing - so if it’s any solace, you are not alone in experiencing this. I suspect it’s pretty common but it’s still a frustrating experience, especially considering how many peer couples at this age have dead bedrooms so by that comparison everything is rosy and there’s no reason to complain.

I guess I just want it to seem like she wants sex as much as I do so it doesn’t feel like it’s just a favor to me (even though she has equal the amount of fun!) She’s super into it once we get going, but it’s a lot of work on my part to get her to that point.

What is "a lot of work"?
Women need to warmed up like an ICE gas car in winter, but can go for a long while. Men are electric; always treat by don't last as long before they need to be recharged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing and start attracting.

She knows what you’re thinking so stop being needy, it’s repelling her.

Picture of yourself a decade ago, what were you like, what goals were you chasing, were your jackets tight around the bicep? Get yourself together and be attractive.

This.

I'm no Fabio, but I'm more attractive now than then. It's simple truth that women's drive drops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you me OP? I could’ve written this exact same thing - so if it’s any solace, you are not alone in experiencing this. I suspect it’s pretty common but it’s still a frustrating experience, especially considering how many peer couples at this age have dead bedrooms so by that comparison everything is rosy and there’s no reason to complain.

I guess I just want it to seem like she wants sex as much as I do so it doesn’t feel like it’s just a favor to me (even though she has equal the amount of fun!) She’s super into it once we get going, but it’s a lot of work on my part to get her to that point.

What is "a lot of work"?
Women need to warmed up like an ICE gas car in winter, but can go for a long while. Men are electric; always treat by don't last as long before they need to be recharged.

Of course - by work I mean convincing. Break through the “too tired” conversations, or make promises about tomorrow would be better but every tomorrow just leads to more tomorrows. And yet, plenty of energy to watch TikTok or do group chats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you me OP? I could’ve written this exact same thing - so if it’s any solace, you are not alone in experiencing this. I suspect it’s pretty common but it’s still a frustrating experience, especially considering how many peer couples at this age have dead bedrooms so by that comparison everything is rosy and there’s no reason to complain.

I guess I just want it to seem like she wants sex as much as I do so it doesn’t feel like it’s just a favor to me (even though she has equal the amount of fun!) She’s super into it once we get going, but it’s a lot of work on my part to get her to that point.

What is "a lot of work"?
Women need to warmed up like an ICE gas car in winter, but can go for a long while. Men are electric; always treat by don't last as long before they need to be recharged.

Of course - by work I mean convincing. Break through the “too tired” conversations, or make promises about tomorrow would be better but every tomorrow just leads to more tomorrows. And yet, plenty of energy to watch TikTok or do group chats.

Watching Tiltok or texting takes no energy. That’s the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

Welcome to the average marriage for men. Women have leverage over sex 90% of the time. I’m not convinced it’s not wielded ethically most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what could help. Take the kids out for the day so she can have some time to herself. You handle bed time for the kids and tell wife to take night off. Then find a show SHE wants to watch and watch it with her. Etc. Only you know your situation, but this would make me swoon. As it is, I've been up for hours handling things while DH snoozes.

Take out the trash every day for a year. Watch the kids for 12 weekends in a row. Rub her feet every days for 7 years and then only them will you be rewarded with the wizard’s sleeve once more each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

Welcome to the average marriage for men. Women have leverage over sex 90% of the time. I’m not convinced it’s not wielded ethically most of the time.

DADT FTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what could help. Take the kids out for the day so she can have some time to herself. You handle bed time for the kids and tell wife to take night off. Then find a show SHE wants to watch and watch it with her. Etc. Only you know your situation, but this would make me swoon. As it is, I've been up for hours handling things while DH snoozes.

Take out the trash every day for a year. Watch the kids for 12 weekends in a row. Rub her feet every days for 7 years and then only them will you be rewarded with the wizard’s sleeve once more each month.

Not if you are doing it with the hope of reward. Then your chore play is revealed as pretext.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what could help. Take the kids out for the day so she can have some time to herself. You handle bed time for the kids and tell wife to take night off. Then find a show SHE wants to watch and watch it with her. Etc. Only you know your situation, but this would make me swoon. As it is, I've been up for hours handling things while DH snoozes.

Take out the trash every day for a year. Watch the kids for 12 weekends in a row. Rub her feet every days for 7 years and then only them will you be rewarded with the wizard’s sleeve once more each month.

Not if you are doing it with the hope of reward. Then your chore play is revealed as pretext.

“watch the kids” lol

[Anonymous]

I often think if I can just get the kids older and out of the house that divorce wouldn’t be that bad. Sex is so important. Women have no clue. I guess I’m a pig. I’m not. I’m a realist. I would rather take my chances online dating than have my libido in prison for the rest of my life. This forum is so female dominated there’s no way a man can get an impartial response. Most women are like “yeah, just let it go. She’s right. Sex once a month is fine.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often think if I can just get the kids older and out of the house that divorce wouldn’t be that bad. Sex is so important. Women have no clue. I guess I’m a pig. I’m not. I’m a realist. I would rather take my chances online dating than have my libido in prison for the rest of my life. This forum is so female dominated there’s no way a man can get an impartial response. Most women are like “yeah, just let it go. She’s right. Sex once a month is fine.”

Sex is so important _to you_. It’s not to everyone.