Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often think if I can just get the kids older and out of the house that divorce wouldn’t be that bad. Sex is so important. Women have no clue. I guess I’m a pig. I’m not. I’m a realist. I would rather take my chances online dating than have my libido in prison for the rest of my life. This forum is so female dominated there’s no way a man can get an impartial response. Most women are like “yeah, just let it go. She’s right. Sex once a month is fine.”

Sex is so important _to you_. It’s not to middle-aged women.

FIFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

The part in bold? This is classic lack of interest on her part.

She does not want to do it more. At least, she does not want it more - from you; it might be a different story if it were a new man satisfying her, or even her vibrator.

As you’ve already surmised, she’d be fine letting your marriage be sexless altogether.

[Anonymous]

Am I a unicorn at 67? I still enjoy sex and I often initiate. We have sex at least once a week and while it does take lube to enjoy PIV it’s only a small part of the experience. I really enjoy foreplay as it’s the way I O and I love that I can still get my husbands heart rate way go up. We are both in pretty good shape and healthy which really helps. We’ve had this connection for 40 years and it’s a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection.

I have to confess, I wouldn’t really know exactly what to do with this request. If you tell me you want to go on dates, I can take action on that.

Tell me you want to connect on an emotional level, and it seems purely subjective. Some women have an emotional response to a Hallmark commercial. Some women are unmoved by any romantic gesture. Sometimes these are the same woman from one moment to the next.

For a guy tasked with creating the emotional connection, it can feel like the goalposts are invisible and always moving.

I’m the poster you are answering to.
My DH knows exactly what I mean by connecting emotionally. He knows it because we’ve talked about it often.

To the OP or anyone claiming their partner longs for connection and you don’t know what to do with it: ask. Communicate. Most of all, Listen.

[Anonymous]

A few minutes ago I went into the kitchen and I said to my husband “what would you like for dinner?” And he said “Sex”. I then said “would you like fries with that?”. We definitely know how to communicate.

[Anonymous]

I’m about the same age as your wife. I think of myself as fairly high libido, but, even so, I initiate because I know that it’s important to my husband and because I know that once we start, I will melt and I will get into it.
I almost never feel sexually aroused outside of the bedroom. And when I do, it lasts a few minutes and then goes away. It’s like how my husband feels about chocolate.

I *think* that most women, even women who enjoy sex, feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about the same age as your wife. I think of myself as fairly high libido, but, even so, I initiate because I know that it’s important to my husband and because I know that once we start, I will melt and I will get into it.
I almost never feel sexually aroused outside of the bedroom. And when I do, it lasts a few minutes and then goes away. It’s like how my husband feels about chocolate.

I *think* that most women, even women who enjoy sex, feel this way.

I feel that it is very helpful for my husband to mention something about having sex early in the day so I can start planning for it mentally and physically. If we just get into bed and he gets frisky it’s hard for me to get into it.

[Anonymous]

OP, just take it as this is your time in the relationship. You are the initiator.

This feels very similar to some of the posts about friendship on this board. People feel sad because they are always the ones initiating, inviting friends out & planning get togethers. I think sometimes one person falls into that role, & then it just becomes a habit.

So if you can, I would reframe it as you are good at this role, this is something you do well in keeping the intimacy going. Don’t be sad that maybe your partner is not as good in this role - it’s not a reflection on the relationship, the sex, etc since DW is usually happy afterwards. It’s just a reflection on what strengths you bring to the relationship, you’re doing a good job in this role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what could help. Take the kids out for the day so she can have some time to herself. You handle bed time for the kids and tell wife to take night off. Then find a show SHE wants to watch and watch it with her. Etc. Only you know your situation, but this would make me swoon. As it is, I've been up for hours handling things while DH snoozes.

Take out the trash every day for a year. Watch the kids for 12 weekends in a row. Rub her feet every days for 7 years and then only them will you be rewarded with the wizard’s sleeve once more each month.

Not if you are doing it with the hope of reward. Then your chore play is revealed as pretext.

The only way to have more sex is to not want to have more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

To be honest this is SUPER common at least among my friend/relative group (that I know of). I am in in my late 40's and honestly I could go years without it. I oblige 1-5 times a month maybe. my H has almost lost some desire he's 10 year older than me. So neither of us is like we used to be but if he never asked, I definitely wouldn't, we love each other dearly but things are different now. We both are somewhat on the same page. I think when one is and one isn't is when it gets difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just take it as this is your time in the relationship. You are the initiator.

This feels very similar to some of the posts about friendship on this board. People feel sad because they are always the ones initiating, inviting friends out & planning get togethers. I think sometimes one person falls into that role, & then it just becomes a habit.

So if you can, I would reframe it as you are good at this role, this is something you do well in keeping the intimacy going. Don’t be sad that maybe your partner is not as good in this role - it’s not a reflection on the relationship, the sex, etc since DW is usually happy afterwards. It’s just a reflection on what strengths you bring to the relationship, you’re doing a good job in this role.

Agree! Just initiate and be happy because it sounds great otherwise.

Things may change later, or not. I've been married 30+ years and my husband has initiated 90% of the time. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound great. I’m sure your wife loves you dearly, too. I am about the same age as your wife, and I also rarely initiate anymore. Part of it is that my libido is lower than it used to be. But another part is that my DH, who clearly loves me and is a good husband, is rarely physically affectionate with me unless he wants sex, like, RIGHT THEN. He doesn’t rub my head or massage my back or even deeply kiss me anymore (except, for the latter, when he wants sex RIGHT THEN). I don’t really feel sexy anymore because I don’t relate to the world in that way, as I used to in my 20s and 30s. I am big on physical touch; my husband knows this, and he still doesn't really go out of his way to get me going. So I very rarely am in the mood. And I used to ALWAYS be in the mood.

[Anonymous]

OP tell her to read smut! That got my drive going again in my 40s and I have been much more proactive about initiating.

FWIW I’m well educated and generally read literary fiction, but sometimes it’s fun to just get into some fantasy romance with spice. Women need to think about sex regularly to get in the mindset.

[Anonymous]

I found (as the partner with a lower drive) The Sex Starved Marriage to be a helpful book. I felt like I was understood for why my drive was lower and for why I needed to change my aggression to make my partner feel appreciated.

But keep in mind if you want her to initiate more, you may need patience. Many times my partner initiates when I am building up to it, so I don’t get credit for something that would have happened if my partner waited an hour.

[Anonymous]

This very common and normal, OP. Many women, particularly post kids and in long-term relationships, have responsive rather than spontaneous desire. Whereas men usually have spontaneous desire. So for the most part, after the initial excitement and novelty of new situations when women feel more spontaneous desire, men generally have to do the initiating. It’s just the nature of most women’s sexuality. Read Come As You Are. It may help you understand your wife’s sexuality better and may help you feel less sad about the situation.

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1982165316/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire