Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

DW here. I’m a big believer in scheduled sex. I know a lot of people say it’s not sexy, etc, but it is a huge help to our marriage. Sometimes I would think about initiating, but then I would wonder if tomorrow would be better because DH seemed tired or I was irritated about something. Having it scheduled helped get those barriers out of the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

My wife is always stressed, emotional, and too tapped out for me but has time for romance novels instead of romance with me. For some reason that's okay but I can't use porn in the same way. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:49 year old DH here. I need sex almost daily. I am very upfront about this, and if my wife is not in the mood after kids go to bed I tell her, no problem, I'm headed upstairs to take care of myself - and I follow through. We have sex 3-4 times per week. This pattern of mixed sex and masturbation has enabled a kind of de facto need for her to initiate (or not) simply by letting me know earlier in the night that I probably won't need to take care of myself, or that she's wiped and it may be on me to HANDle things. LOL

I'm so sorry life is hard on you with sex 3-4 times a week. That sounds like a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I’m a big believer in scheduled sex. I know a lot of people say it’s not sexy, etc, but it is a huge help to our marriage. Sometimes I would think about initiating, but then I would wonder if tomorrow would be better because DH seemed tired or I was irritated about something. Having it scheduled helped get those barriers out of the way.

We are also on a sex schedule i feel everything runs smoother. It may not be the most practical but it runs alot better. What is your set schedule?