Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

I’m a DW, good sex for me is an amazing way to connect, and I always have to initiate with DH. I have always had a higher drive but now the difference is stark. Usually if I drop hints during the day, he is ready to go by the evening about once a week, but he never flirts with me, and rarely initiates. It’s very sad.

I don’t know what the answer is, OP. Have you talked to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

Look! It’s God’s gift to women poster!

Take advice from this buffoon at your own peril. Just because he can’t satisfy a woman doesn’t mean no man can.

[Anonymous]

OP, another DH here, and even though this seems like a permanent state of affairs, it may just be a phase. I was the initiator for about a decade plus with my wife, and at some point in our early 50's something kicked back in with her - now she initiates more than me - and sometimes I am the one that has to force myself to get in the mood and keep up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing and start attracting.

She knows what you’re thinking so stop being needy, it’s repelling her.

Picture of yourself a decade ago, what were you like, what goals were you chasing, were your jackets tight around the bicep? Get yourself together and be attractive.

This.

Sounds exhausting.

Why not just bang your husband frequently like you did when you were first dating? Or was that just to trap him in to marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I a unicorn at 67? I still enjoy sex and I often initiate. We have sex at least once a week and while it does take lube to enjoy PIV it’s only a small part of the experience. I really enjoy foreplay as it’s the way I O and I love that I can still get my husbands heart rate way go up. We are both in pretty good shape and healthy which really helps. We’ve had this connection for 40 years and it’s a blessing.

#blessed, you know?

[Anonymous]

OP, if it makes you feel better, my DW and I haven't had sex in at least two-three years. I don't even remember the last time. I relate to you because I was the only one initiating until I gave up. She refuses to talk about it, always tired, always too busy, and we don't even sleep in the same bed. She is more attached to DC who sleeps on the king size bed in the MB while I sleep in an extra bedroom. I have given up a long time ago and I feel that we have grown apart. Only our two kids is what is keeping us under one roof. Age, late 40s,BTW, been married for 10.5 years. The reason I am writing all this is to let you know what happens when one side gives up and after awhile, it.is too late to keep or rekindle any attraction or desire to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex (with their DH) as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

Corrected that for you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I read them all. And I knew what I was getting myself into when posting on this topic in this forum, so don’t mind the trolling. My wife is great, my marriage is generally happy, but this part has been rough on me and getting insights from women helps.

I really appreciate the responses about the need for emotional connection and the chance to discuss non-kids stuff, etc. I would love that, and if it meant I put work into that before sex came back, I’d have no problem with it. We both work full-time, have kids, a dog, etc. any suggestions on how to work that in on a regular basis without the “pressure” of a date night with sitter, etc.? Is it unreasonable to ask for the emotional connection to be a partnership instead of me taking the lead all the time?

Obviously, there’s more here, but if the answer was so simple as me dropping more weight or doing more chores I wouldn’t be posting.

For me OP, it was the hormonal changes of menopause. Sex is mostly a hormonal drive, and once those hormones depleted in my, I just had zero drive. It was like being a 10 year old again. Just zero interest, and in fact it felt like a very weird thing to do. But I still very much love my DH.

After a few years, my drive eventually came back a bit but then PIV was too painful to endure.

My DH is having his own health issues, so our intimate life is on hold for now
Maybe forever? I am just not sure.

Fyi, we are in our 60s now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful responses (who knew a constructive thread on this topic was possible here?😏). I read all of them. I think the takeaway is to not take the state of affairs as personally and to embrace the role. I think for me, even a 90/10 split would mean so much, and feel so much better than 100/0. I think we can get there.

To others in seemingly hopeless situations…our sex life was horrendous post-kids (like five or six sexual encounters of any kind in a two year span). Things got better as life stresses fell away…both working from home to balance out home tasks, kids getting easier, no longer needing $$$ for loans and childcare, eating, exercising. It can get better if you work at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often think if I can just get the kids older and out of the house that divorce wouldn’t be that bad. Sex is so important. Women have no clue. I guess I’m a pig. I’m not. I’m a realist. I would rather take my chances online dating than have my libido in prison for the rest of my life. This forum is so female dominated there’s no way a man can get an impartial response. Most women are like “yeah, just let it go. She’s right. Sex once a month is fine.”

Sex is so important _to you_. It’s not to middle-aged women.

FIFY

I mean, yeah, basically. And that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful responses (who knew a constructive thread on this topic was possible here?😏). I read all of them. I think the takeaway is to not take the state of affairs as personally and to embrace the role. I think for me, even a 90/10 split would mean so much, and feel so much better than 100/0. I think we can get there.

To others in seemingly hopeless situations…our sex life was horrendous post-kids (like five or six sexual encounters of any kind in a two year span). Things got better as life stresses fell away…both working from home to balance out home tasks, kids getting easier, no longer needing $$$ for loans and childcare, eating, exercising. It can get better if you work at it.

you could also focus your sexual energies on other apects … maybe she won’t initiate but maybe you can do something new and fun anyway?

[Anonymous]

Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

[Anonymous]

Expectations? The key is to underpromise and over deliver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

[Anonymous]

I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).