Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

5mg testosterone
.3mg estradiol
100 mg progesterone

Had a rough couple years until getting on HRT now I am as dewey as I was when I was 25.

Is this rx by a OB/GYN that takes insurance? If yes, please provide the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

5mg testosterone
.3mg estradiol
100 mg progesterone

Had a rough couple years until getting on HRT now I am as dewey as I was when I was 25.

Is this rx by a OB/GYN that takes insurance? If yes, please provide the office.

Doctors suck at hormones, they just want to give BC pills or patches which made me miserable so I pay out of pocket and it costs about $90-120 a month

DefyMedical dot com

Defy is all online and will send you for a panel that you'll review with a PA or Dr which takes about an hour or so. They'll get you on a treatment plan which could be creams, troches or injections and then you'll follow up to tweak with another blood draw and symptom review. They want to know everything in the best way possible; you'll go over mood, orgasm response, libido, anxiety, anger, skin, hair, digestion, sleep, weight etc
It took about 6 months and a few tweaks for me to feel amazing, its been two years so far and I'm never getting off them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

If it’s that easy, shouldn’t more spouses do so if it’s important to the other spouse?

Yes. Absolutely.

I think a lot of people have childhood issues about sex and get hung up on it like it’s this important thing that you should never do unless you really want to. And that’s all true…when you are dating.

I think some people have trouble adjusting to thinking about it like CandyLand. Like, you shouldn’t be pressured into it when you need to do something else, and there is a limit to how much is reasonable to ask of someone.

I also think some people just never do anything they don’t want to do in the moment. They don’t initiate sex when they don’t want to, and they probably don’t play board games that their spouse likes to play either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything she’s telling you and you’re not listening?
I’m the DW in a similar situation. I almost never initiate. The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection. His response to that? Eye-roll, “too hard, too much work”.
We’ve discussed this ad nauseam: his needs, my needs. What do we get? A standstill. No one gets what they want. It’s lonely.

I know this has been said before, but in this situation I would argue that you like the standstill.
It works for you.

If you don’t want the standstill though, feed his physical need and it will be like a magic fairy dust. He will srsly bend over backward doing all the things you ask in response to feeling that euphoria of being wanted and desired that men crave.
And before you ask—no, it doesn’t work the other way around. Getting your emotional needs met is not going to instantly produce that same desire on your part to be physically intimate. Especially since it is likely to irritate you that he is “just doing it to get sex”—which he will be if he is the first one to break the stalemate.
You need to want to be intimate not to get your needs met, but to get HIS met. And then he will want to be emotionally connected in appreciation of (and in natural response to) how you are meeting his physical needs.
It’s hard-wired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

Candyland doesn't hurt usually though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything she’s telling you and you’re not listening?
I’m the DW in a similar situation. I almost never initiate. The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection. His response to that? Eye-roll, “too hard, too much work”.
We’ve discussed this ad nauseam: his needs, my needs. What do we get? A standstill. No one gets what they want. It’s lonely.

I know this has been said before, but in this situation I would argue that you like the standstill.
It works for you.

If you don’t want the standstill though, feed his physical need and it will be like a magic fairy dust. He will srsly bend over backward doing all the things you ask in response to feeling that euphoria of being wanted and desired that men crave.
And before you ask—no, it doesn’t work the other way around. Getting your emotional needs met is not going to instantly produce that same desire on your part to be physically intimate. Especially since it is likely to irritate you that he is “just doing it to get sex”—which he will be if he is the first one to break the stalemate.
You need to want to be intimate not to get your needs met, but to get HIS met. And then he will want to be emotionally connected in appreciation of (and in natural response to) how you are meeting his physical needs.
It’s hard-wired.

+1
And sadly, some will view this as a sexist post rather than for the truth it contains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

Candyland doesn't hurt usually though.

Neither does sex. I mean if you insist on playing in a specific position, then it might.

[Anonymous]

I think there are at least five levels to how women of a cetain age (forties and early fifties) approach intimacy with their husbands.
1) Ugh, do I have to? -- this is super painful to most husbands.
2) Sure, I will play the game a couple of times per month. -- husbands who live with this situation know they are being taken somewhat seriously, but they usually want more enthusiasm.
3) Yeah okay, I get that you have physical and emotional needs, so I will rev up the engines weekly and sometimes more. -- this is probably where OP sits, and the mistake by the wife is that she thinks it is sufficiently satisfying her husband's emotional needs without initiating. Going along and liking it is nice, but it doesn't make him feel like a lion. Sometimes men want to feel like lions.
4) Let's do it a few times per week, and I might not flat-out initiate, but I will act coy, dress to impress, point out when the kids will be at sleepovers, lock the door in the morning before everyone wakes up, etc. -- this is as much as men can expect, and the behavior of the wife signals to her husband that she's still attracted to him and wants their marriage to be more than running a family.
5) Take me whenever, and watch out because I am going to jump your bones as often as you will. -- nirvana for husbands because they are being treated like lions from the woman they love.

OP seems like he wants to go from #3 to #4, and who can blame him? If his wife never initiates, he's going to question how she feels about him. It is human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

Candyland doesn't hurt usually though.

Well, shit. If it hurts, don't do it! Go to a doctor to figure out why it hurts.

[Anonymous]

I recommend taking solace in porn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

The analogies in this thread tell the tale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

If it’s that easy, shouldn’t more spouses do so if it’s important to the other spouse?

…and knowing that, they are capable of getting themselves in the mood-

If they truly care enough to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are at least five levels to how women of a cetain age (forties and early fifties) approach intimacy with their husbands.
1) Ugh, do I have to? -- this is super painful to most husbands.
2) Sure, I will play the game a couple of times per month. -- husbands who live with this situation know they are being taken somewhat seriously, but they usually want more enthusiasm.
3) Yeah okay, I get that you have physical and emotional needs, so I will rev up the engines weekly and sometimes more. -- this is probably where OP sits, and the mistake by the wife is that she thinks it is sufficiently satisfying her husband's emotional needs without initiating. Going along and liking it is nice, but it doesn't make him feel like a lion. Sometimes men want to feel like lions.
4) Let's do it a few times per week, and I might not flat-out initiate, but I will act coy, dress to impress, point out when the kids will be at sleepovers, lock the door in the morning before everyone wakes up, etc. -- this is as much as men can expect, and the behavior of the wife signals to her husband that she's still attracted to him and wants their marriage to be more than running a family.
5) Take me whenever, and watch out because I am going to jump your bones as often as you will. -- nirvana for husbands because they are being treated like lions from the woman they love.

OP seems like he wants to go from #3 to #4, and who can blame him? If his wife never initiates, he's going to question how she feels about him. It is human nature.

Maybe there is just a different definition of initiation? DH and I both think locking the door is initiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

My wife would tell you that it's the man's job to be the initiator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

My wife would tell you that it's the man's job to be the initiator.

I think I initiate as much as my husband. When I do he knows what he is in for and it’s always good. I’m sure I think about sex far less than my husband but when I do I like to make something happen.