Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

Yes, you have 100% right to feel the way you do. Women don't understand how important sex is to a HUSBAND because that is a very strong way HUSBANDS stay connected with their wives. Many wives do not understand there and there are thousands of studies and psychologists who confirm this.

However, it's common for wives to focus too much on her kids and her husband becomes the last priority. The issue is once the kids are grown up and gone...the relationship between husband and wife is gone. The wife wants her "partner" back but he is gone. They grew apart after 20-30 years of not being a priority. This is all too common.

can your redpill misogynist bullsh*t. she’s having sex regularly with her HUSBAND.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

It’s not “prudish” for a woman to fall into sexual patterns that conform to societal and biological expectations. If OP starts to view his wife’s sexuality as wrong, bad or damaged, he’s going to destroy what he has. He can try to understand her. He can try to seduce her. He can humbly request things (that he doesn’t deserve).

That’s what prudish means

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I read them all. And I knew what I was getting myself into when posting on this topic in this forum, so don’t mind the trolling. My wife is great, my marriage is generally happy, but this part has been rough on me and getting insights from women helps.

I really appreciate the responses about the need for emotional connection and the chance to discuss non-kids stuff, etc. I would love that, and if it meant I put work into that before sex came back, I’d have no problem with it. We both work full-time, have kids, a dog, etc. any suggestions on how to work that in on a regular basis without the “pressure” of a date night with sitter, etc.? Is it unreasonable to ask for the emotional connection to be a partnership instead of me taking the lead all the time?

Obviously, there’s more here, but if the answer was so simple as me dropping more weight or doing more chores I wouldn’t be posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection.

I have to confess, I wouldn’t really know exactly what to do with this request. If you tell me you want to go on dates, I can take action on that.

Tell me you want to connect on an emotional level, and it seems purely subjective. Some women have an emotional response to a Hallmark commercial. Some women are unmoved by any romantic gesture. Sometimes these are the same woman from one moment to the next.

For a guy tasked with creating the emotional connection, it can feel like the goalposts are invisible and always moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection.

I have to confess, I wouldn’t really know exactly what to do with this request. If you tell me you want to go on dates, I can take action on that.

Tell me you want to connect on an emotional level, and it seems purely subjective. Some women have an emotional response to a Hallmark commercial. Some women are unmoved by any romantic gesture. Sometimes these are the same woman from one moment to the next.

For a guy tasked with creating the emotional connection, it can feel like the goalposts are invisible and always moving.

OP slipped in while I was writing this with relevant follow up questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

It’s not “prudish” for a woman to fall into sexual patterns that conform to societal and biological expectations. If OP starts to view his wife’s sexuality as wrong, bad or damaged, he’s going to destroy what he has. He can try to understand her. He can try to seduce her. He can humbly request things (that he doesn’t deserve).

That’s what prudish means

No that’s not what it means. Prudish is a negative judgement of her sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection.

I have to confess, I wouldn’t really know exactly what to do with this request. If you tell me you want to go on dates, I can take action on that.

Tell me you want to connect on an emotional level, and it seems purely subjective. Some women have an emotional response to a Hallmark commercial. Some women are unmoved by any romantic gesture. Sometimes these are the same woman from one moment to the next.

For a guy tasked with creating the emotional connection, it can feel like the goalposts are invisible and always moving.

It just means a bonding experience. You have to ask her.

[Anonymous]

My wife is one of those who never initiates but she rarely says no and our frequency is once a week and we are in our early 60s. It’s crazy that she doesn’t initiate because when we do have sex she really gets into it and is very enthusiastic to say the least. I’d love for our frequency to increase but I’d never tell her I’m sad because that would be laying guilt on her which would never be helpful. If you’re having sex 4-5 times a month and she doesn’t just lay there taking one for the team you should be very happy. I’d take quality over quantity any day as long as the quantity is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Emotional Connection times with my husband:

Almost every morning we sip coffee in bed together. Sometimes only 5 minutes but sometimes 15. Then we have to go to work, but I love the coffee and I really love the casual chatting and laughing together.

We have scheduled sex because I’m on an antidepressant which removed my libido, but I still like sex. Just not aware of a hunger for it beforehand. We’re in our 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

^^OP close your ears to this jerk.

PP literally equated it to taking out the trash.

[Anonymous]

Are you me OP? I could’ve written this exact same thing - so if it’s any solace, you are not alone in experiencing this. I suspect it’s pretty common but it’s still a frustrating experience, especially considering how many peer couples at this age have dead bedrooms so by that comparison everything is rosy and there’s no reason to complain.

I guess I just want it to seem like she wants sex as much as I do so it doesn’t feel like it’s just a favor to me (even though she has equal the amount of fun!) She’s super into it once we get going, but it’s a lot of work on my part to get her to that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

Not. I was crazy sex fiend with husband throughout 20s-30s, even early 40s. Game for anything. Definitely not a prude. But mid 40s and onward just don’t feel it.

The whole “wife is a prude” blah blah is overdone. Trust me —there is absolutely nothing an AP could do that wasn’t already done with me—even 3-some.

+1. Libido ebbs and wanes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

^^OP close your ears to this jerk.

PP literally equated it to taking out the trash.

that’s not what PP said but go ahead with your outrage - surely will make your wife want to have more sex!

[Anonymous]

DH told me it would make. him happy if I initiate. I told him I'd be a total failure as a straight guy, because I am not an initiator. He pointed out that I initiate in other parts of my life - at work, with friends, etc. It got me thinking, and I am occasionally now initiating. But at first, he missed when I did it, because I guess it was too subtle?

DH gets SO happy when I initiate that it gives me the encouragement to do it more often. So now I probably initiate maybe a third of the time. He's only said no once, which I'm sure has helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH told me it would make. him happy if I initiate. I told him I'd be a total failure as a straight guy, because I am not an initiator. He pointed out that I initiate in other parts of my life - at work, with friends, etc. It got me thinking, and I am occasionally now initiating. But at first, he missed when I did it, because I guess it was too subtle?

DH gets SO happy when I initiate that it gives me the encouragement to do it more often. So now I probably initiate maybe a third of the time. He's only said no once, which I'm sure has helped.

Your DH sounds smart and sounds like you communicate very well.