Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

Isn’t menopause closer to low T, not ED?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).

There is something so life affirming, confidence boosting when someone actively initiates. It says they want to be with you. It’s totally different than just along for the ride. (- DW who does most of the initiating). For many people, a good part of the thrill is being wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

5mg testosterone
.3mg estradiol
100 mg progesterone

Had a rough couple years until getting on HRT now I am as dewey as I was when I was 25.

[Anonymous]

Read Come As You Are, and see if she'll read it too. It will help both of you understand a lot about what is happening. This book is recommended by sex therapists and marriage therapists all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).

100%. I have repeatedly told my husband. Do not come to me at night and give me 2 minutes of attention and expect sex. I am not wired that way. I wasnt wired that way in my 20s, nothing has changed. I need connection throughout the day/week. There needs to be physical touch outside of sex otherwise I just feel used and the physical touch cant always be used to lead to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

Isn’t menopause closer to low T, not ED?

yes, but clitoral atrophy occurs as well which is basically like female ED. The clitoris is the erectile tissue for females.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).

There is something so life affirming, confidence boosting when someone actively initiates. It says they want to be with you. It’s totally different than just along for the ride. (- DW who does most of the initiating). For many people, a good part of the thrill is being wanted.

I’m the PP you are replying to and I 100 percent understand that. But the same guy is saying I want to have more sex, because I like sex and you are the person I’m allowed to have sex with. So let’s have sex. I feel entitled to that, if not at any particular moment at some point during our relationship. But then turns to his wife and wants to feel specially and individually desired? That’s not how it works. There’s definitely a recognition by both parties that part of sex inside marriage is driven not be wild desire because you find this person more attractive than anyone else at that moment but because it’s part of a bigger picture of a relationship and intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are destiny.

Both ways.

+1. I feel like the role of hormones tend to get minimized in these discussions. Like people are uncomfortable with just how much our minds are influenced by our biology.

the same men who are driven by testosterone bleat about how women and their hormones are the problem. there are even women on here who have said that women need to figure out how to want (or at least grin and bear) sex during and after menopause. literally state that you need to find how to have sex drive without hormones. thats not how it works. any man with low T would likely not want sex either although there are outliers. this is not a failing on women's part. it is biology.
ED is a completely different phenom, but we treat it and we treat low T with supplements. Women arent receiving education, therapy or medication for clitoral atrophy (very similar to ED) and there is so much conflicting information about hormone treatment for women.

consistent weekly sex is a pretty good average for a dual working couple with kids in their 40s and later. realistically, it is.

Isn’t menopause closer to low T, not ED?

yes, but clitoral atrophy occurs as well which is basically like female ED. The clitoris is the erectile tissue for females.

But the process to reverse them are different no? Vasodilator for ED and more hormone for CA?

[Anonymous]

I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

Pretty much. I’m a wife who always initiates and if you are the one who ALWAYS initiates how can you ever be sure you’re not getting pity sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).

There is something so life affirming, confidence boosting when someone actively initiates. It says they want to be with you. It’s totally different than just along for the ride. (- DW who does most of the initiating). For many people, a good part of the thrill is being wanted.

I’m the PP you are replying to and I 100 percent understand that. But the same guy is saying I want to have more sex, because I like sex and you are the person I’m allowed to have sex with. So let’s have sex. I feel entitled to that, if not at any particular moment at some point during our relationship. But then turns to his wife and wants to feel specially and individually desired? That’s not how it works. There’s definitely a recognition by both parties that part of sex inside marriage is driven not be wild desire because you find this person more attractive than anyone else at that moment but because it’s part of a bigger picture of a relationship and intimacy.

I don’t really understand what you are saying. It seems to be premised on the idea that the initiating spouse only wants sex with you because they are bound by monogamy. The posters are not saying they want sex with their spouses because they are the only ones they are allowed to have aex with. They are saying they still want to connect with their spouses that way. To the extent the connection is not important to the other spouse, then they are talking about monogamy. Seems like you are twisting what’s happening here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the emphasis on who initiates in these threads so confusing. I can see if you were getting turned down about 90 percent of the time that would be frustrating. But if you are getting a reasonable (if slightly less than you like) amount of sex why is it so important who initiates?

For what it’s worth at some point my husband told me he is pretty much always up for sex. So if I ever want to have sex I should just tell him and it’s go time. I initiate about 1 a week, maybe less sometimes and he seems happy enough with that (though I think he wishes it was more). He rarely initiates any more - it does happen but even still half the time he’ll pick a time like right before the kids need to get to school and I have to say rain check until tonight. I actually am fine with this and I know he wishes we had more sex but realistically we have a lot going on including a late of late work nights for him so I don’t know when we’d do a whole lot more.

Anyway I guess I don’t understand why the PP decided they were never going to initiate and just let their sex life dry up and be bitter.

I’m your age OP and virtually all my friends feel exhausted and stretched thin and we just aren’t walking around in the mood all the time; we rarely feel like desirable women on a day to day basis. The emphasis on chores is a bit of a red herring. I’d focus on getting her time to herself and making her feel desirable and sexy as an individual. I love it when my husband gives me compliments at times we absolutely are not going to have sex, like we are about to go out for lunch with the kids. Just some thoughts from a 40ish mom who trying hard to keep her sex life going (along with everything else).

There is something so life affirming, confidence boosting when someone actively initiates. It says they want to be with you. It’s totally different than just along for the ride. (- DW who does most of the initiating). For many people, a good part of the thrill is being wanted.

I’m the PP you are replying to and I 100 percent understand that. But the same guy is saying I want to have more sex, because I like sex and you are the person I’m allowed to have sex with. So let’s have sex. I feel entitled to that, if not at any particular moment at some point during our relationship. But then turns to his wife and wants to feel specially and individually desired? That’s not how it works. There’s definitely a recognition by both parties that part of sex inside marriage is driven not be wild desire because you find this person more attractive than anyone else at that moment but because it’s part of a bigger picture of a relationship and intimacy.

I don’t really understand what you are saying. It seems to be premised on the idea that the initiating spouse only wants sex with you because they are bound by monogamy. The posters are not saying they want sex with their spouses because they are the only ones they are allowed to have aex with. They are saying they still want to connect with their spouses that way. To the extent the connection is not important to the other spouse, then they are talking about monogamy. Seems like you are twisting what’s happening here.

Sorry I’m not trying to. I posted earlier I initiate 95 percent of the time because my husband asked me to and because it works for us. But honestly, it’s another thing on my list of to dos. A fun one, and I end up enjoying myself, but it’s something I do because of the whole picture of our marriage and not because I’m driven wild by desire at that moment.

I think it’s fine to wish your spouse initiated more. I also think if you have to ask for them to do that, or you are posting about what’s “reasonable” you may as well realize that when one person is thinking about sex more and wants it more often, the other person is just walking around living their life trying to make everything work and they don’t have sex at the top of their mind all of the time. If you want sex more often than your spouse at least some of it is going to be not pity sex but sex that’s based on compromise and something they are actively trying to get themselves in the mood for because they love you. That’s just how it is. They are trying to make you happy and you are resenting them for not being different (higher drive).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my wife to initiate sometimes because it shows she finds me desirable. If I'm initiating all the time, there's always going to be a voice in my head telling me that she's just tolerating sex with me, she doesn't actually want to be doing this, even if all the other indicators are positive.

You can initiate sex even if you don’t really want to and you are more or less tolerating it because you want to make someone you love happy.

I’m sure that you have initiated a game of CandyLand with a preschooler before. Same idea.

If it’s that easy, shouldn’t more spouses do so if it’s important to the other spouse?