Realistic expectations on sex?

[Anonymous]

DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

[Anonymous]

You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask. But the question is what should you do about being sad?

You can communicate consistently about why and how it’s important to you. You can try to facilitate it, by making her happy in other ways (this only works if you’re also communicating about it). You can just get over it on your own, or you can get divorced.

No one gets everything they want and you’re not the boss of other people. So you really can only manage your end of it (which, again, includes communicating about it even if you feel like that hasn’t “worked”) and then decide what your boundaries are going to be. This wouldn’t be even close to a marital deal breaker for me personally, but ymmv.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to feel sad for any reason! I guess what you’re asking is if it’s unusual and the answer is no, it’s totally normal. Sex 4-5x/month is well within the average sex life.

I notice you say she is enjoying it, but is she actually orgasming? That’s a pretty important piece of the puzzle.

If you really want to try something new with her then my advice would be that you have to seduce her into it on the basis that she is the dominant partner and you have no right to ask her for anything. When the woman is dominant then the pressure is taken off her.

Also even though some men object, scheduling sex can be really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to talk to her. Frame it positively and acknowledge the sex life is getting better.

Did she initiate before kids?

Don’t make sex feel like a chore to her. Also, are you good in bed?

[Anonymous]

OP here. She reaches O essentially 100% percent of the time, though basically never through PIV. That is some combo of her physiology and mine. That was an issue earlier on in relationship, but post-kids (body changes) she seems to prefer sex other than PIV anyway. That’s as far as I can go on details, both for my own comfort and to not get this thread removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask. But the question is what should you do about being sad?

You can communicate consistently about why and how it’s important to you. You can try to facilitate it, by making her happy in other ways (this only works if you’re also communicating about it). You can just get over it on your own, or you can get divorced.

No one gets everything they want and you’re not the boss of other people. So you really can only manage your end of it (which, again, includes communicating about it even if you feel like that hasn’t “worked”) and then decide what your boundaries are going to be. This wouldn’t be even close to a marital deal breaker for me personally, but ymmv.

I would be extremely careful about communicating any “sadness.” Sending a message that she is deficient and sex is not good enough is only going to have the exact opposite effect. I think OP needs to ramp up the playfulness and frame any requests as him begging for something he clearly does not deserve, seeing how his wife is naturally the one who gets to decide … you get my drift? Turn what OP perceives as negative into a positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She reaches O essentially 100% percent of the time, though basically never through PIV. That is some combo of her physiology and mine. That was an issue earlier on in relationship, but post-kids (body changes) she seems to prefer sex other than PIV anyway. That’s as far as I can go on details, both for my own comfort and to not get this thread removed.

Good man, OP

[Anonymous]

Is there anything she’s telling you and you’re not listening?
I’m the DW in a similar situation. I almost never initiate. The one constant request I have to my DH is almost never met: I want to connect on an emotional, personal level. I need us to chat about something that’s not logistical/organizational, I need to feel an emotional connection. His response to that? Eye-roll, “too hard, too much work”.
We’ve discussed this ad nauseam: his needs, my needs. What do we get? A standstill. No one gets what they want. It’s lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you were playful? Or planned a date night or weekend getaway? I like it when I have something to look forward to. I like flirty texts and when he tells me I look hot.

[Anonymous]

What is your wife asking for? Give more of that. If you can be affectionate, supportive, and connect emotionally, that could help too. I would try to listen rather than ask.

[Anonymous]

She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

[Anonymous]

The comment about your physiology is a big clue. I know you don’t want to give details but without the details, nobody can really answer your question. Do you mean that you’re obese? Or you’re premature? It doesn’t sound like a typical situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

^^OP close your ears to this jerk.

[Anonymous]

Here's what could help. Take the kids out for the day so she can have some time to herself. You handle bed time for the kids and tell wife to take night off. Then find a show SHE wants to watch and watch it with her. Etc. Only you know your situation, but this would make me swoon. As it is, I've been up for hours handling things while DH snoozes.