Reply to DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age). [/quote]

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine. [/quote]

I'm not sure if these are perfect descriptions, but I've heard a distinction between "duty sex" and "maintenance sex." With "duty sex," the (usually) wife is making her body available out of a sense of obligation when she'd really rather not. This isn't particularly enjoyable for the husband and isn't healthy for anyone. "Maintenance sex" is more of an inertia thing. The (usually) wife doesn't actively want sex, but she doesn't feel put upon or really mind it either. She loves her husband, it helps the relationship, and it's not unpleasant. (Often, just getting started will jump start her interest.) The latter isn't a bad thing for the marriage, and the husband should be careful to accept the offer in the spirit in which it's given -- not get bent out of shape because she's not tearing off his clothes. [/quote]

I think this is a pretty decent framing of the situation. But a lot of men would want duty sex over nothing, even if they knew their wives weren't particularly enjoying it and it made their wives less happy in general. And many men and women speak about duty sex like it's analogous to a duty to take out the trash: "it doesn't make you happy but it's what you signed up for so suck it up." You are right that it's not healthy for anyone and I wish people would find healthier, more empathetic ways to approach the issue.

Of course the most ideal thing would be for both partner's sexual satisfaction, whatever that might look like, to be a priority. Emily Nagoski points out that in general, men are more likely to enjoy environments that are conducive to their sexual pleasure than women are, and it would be nice if women got the same thing. [/quote]

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