How do you “emotionally support” a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

This has been studied at length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP very good question. Here is my take as a married man. The best way to emotionally support your wife is to LISTEN. I am not kidding, we pretend to listen but in reality we don’t. And we don’t do it because we are a**hole or don’t care, I honestly believe it’s a quality that women have and that men don’t.

My second take is that and I could be wrong most divorces are not the result of infertility but the result of emotional neglect.

Women often justify divorce by saying that “I gave him warnings, multiple chances”. What we failed to realize as men is that women don’t bluff. They know exactly what they want and if they don’t get want they want they will blow everything up.

I will finish by saying that if most divorced men knew what it took to keep their woman emotionally happy many would still be married.

Women also behave as if they are on “borrowed time”. They have specific milestones they must achieve by certain points in time. As a result many men think that they are being given “ultimatum”. Ultimate to get engaged, then to get married, then to have children, then this, then that. As a result resentment build with us even if we don’t show it. There are many instances in my marriage I feel like I am consistently being ask to do something by xyz time. The other day I was supposed to fix something in the house but I forgot because I was so busy with work and my wife blew up in my face. She said she asked many times (which is true) but I didn’t fix it. I don’t she was being a bad person I just think that men and women think very differently.

And because gender roles today are really being challenged, women’s happiness is being prioritized (and for good reasons), men I think are confused navigating this environment.

It's being prioritized more, but not prioritized above the happiness of men. It just feels like it's being prioritized more beacuse it's a new thing for men. Women are just expecting an equal level of happiness. In the past (and still now) a lot of men lived with the assumption that women would just deal with an acceptable level of unhappiness.

I am a man here and I agree 100%. J am modeling my marriage after my dad’s. Big mistake and I am on my way to divorce. I really think we men need serious therapy before getting married because we are not realizing how much gender equality in almost all aspects of life have been achieved. I am 45 and my parents are in their 70s. So I grew up in a household like many men my age where our moms put up with so much and yet never complained. This is explaining the rise in “gray divorce” and also the rise in divorce in general.

The question for the future is whether marriage will still be one of those major life events that have defined us for so long. And I also think women are also confused. Namely many still have that dream of a beautiful wedding day, the perfect husband etc, yet they failed to realize that many of the men they will end up with have still not caught up to this new environment and probably never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/11/29/health/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/57460/1/straight-men-no-friends-toxic-masculinity-loneliness-u-ok

https://qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend-473ce00a#

These articles often are based on the same four studies but they examine the question you asked about the quality of male friendships v. the quality of female friendships.

I know that as you read these you won't believe the facts because they don't confirm your biases, but at least this was fun for me.

Thanks for citing these. Interesting and depressing reading, and definitely food for thought.

I guess I responded more flippantly than necessary to the PP who said that men are generally a-holes or self-centered because it was a sh***ty thing to say.

I don't think the posted sources at all support that statement by PP (maybe that was you). I think that quite the opposite, it suggests that men tend to hold things in more with a stiff upper lip because that's what they are taught to do from a relatively young age, and that THAT is what ultimately makes it likely for men to become more isolated.

Anyway, thanks for posting these links.

[Anonymous]

Women still do most of the leg work raising children. Raising children is tough. Men often in the backseat, chilling enjoy the benefits and joy of having children but without having done the job to equally raise them. So it’s not shocking that when the children are around 10 years old, moms start now prioritizing themselves and you will start hearing things like “we are growing apart”, “you are not emotionally present” etc…

So guys help your wife raise your children because once she is done done doing the leg work she will leave your ass and pursue her romantic interests elsewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/11/29/health/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/57460/1/straight-men-no-friends-toxic-masculinity-loneliness-u-ok

https://qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend-473ce00a#

These articles often are based on the same four studies but they examine the question you asked about the quality of male friendships v. the quality of female friendships.

I know that as you read these you won't believe the facts because they don't confirm your biases, but at least this was fun for me.

Thanks for citing these. Interesting and depressing reading, and definitely food for thought.

I guess I responded more flippantly than necessary to the PP who said that men are generally a-holes or self-centered because it was a sh***ty thing to say.

I don't think the posted sources at all support that statement by PP (maybe that was you). I think that quite the opposite, it suggests that men tend to hold things in more with a stiff upper lip because that's what they are taught to do from a relatively young age, and that THAT is what ultimately makes it likely for men to become more isolated.

Anyway, thanks for posting these links.

Another point I should have added, based on reading those articles. It seems like women see sharing their own emotional weakness as being generous with loved ones, whereas men see it as being selfish or weak. This is how men and women tend to be socialized. This means that in close relationships, men hold things in, and women share; women see the holding-in as selfish and men see the sharing as selfish.

[Anonymous]

Folks please read up on the suicide data for men. I am all for gender equality empowerment etc. But I do not care what anyone says we are doing it at the expense of men. You can help women and you should. However you can advance women’s happiness equality right without pointing to men as source of the problems.

[Anonymous]

You have to talk to your wife. You have to talk to her about life, the future, your families and upbringings and things you learn as you age and raise children. You have to ask her what she thinks (and care).

You can't just live your life in a silo, chatting only about the day-to-day tasks and superficial stuff.

You must forge intimacy with her through communication. Intimacy meaning sharing feelings and thoughts and also physical intimacy. You must empathize with things that you think are hard for her. But, you know, this also means you can't blindly go through life being lazy and not thinking about these things. You must think about your feelings and your actions and your upbringing and how it shapes who you are and how you parent and how you relate to your wife. You can't be happy being a bot who simply shows up and doesn't hit his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women still do most of the leg work raising children. Raising children is tough. Men often in the backseat, chilling enjoy the benefits and joy of having children but without having done the job to equally raise them. So it’s not shocking that when the children are around 10 years old, moms start now prioritizing themselves and you will start hearing things like “we are growing apart”, “you are not emotionally present” etc…

So guys help your wife raise your children because once she is done done doing the leg work she will leave your ass and pursue her romantic interests elsewhere

I think you are painting women as fickle, ends-oriented, and selfish in a way that I and many people strongly dislike. Maybe that is your experience and mindset, but you are not speaking for women in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/11/29/health/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/57460/1/straight-men-no-friends-toxic-masculinity-loneliness-u-ok

https://qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend-473ce00a#

These articles often are based on the same four studies but they examine the question you asked about the quality of male friendships v. the quality of female friendships.

I know that as you read these you won't believe the facts because they don't confirm your biases, but at least this was fun for me.

Thanks for citing these. Interesting and depressing reading, and definitely food for thought.

I guess I responded more flippantly than necessary to the PP who said that men are generally a-holes or self-centered because it was a sh***ty thing to say.

I don't think the posted sources at all support that statement by PP (maybe that was you). I think that quite the opposite, it suggests that men tend to hold things in more with a stiff upper lip because that's what they are taught to do from a relatively young age, and that THAT is what ultimately makes it likely for men to become more isolated.

Anyway, thanks for posting these links.

Oh man, now I feel bad for responding to you flippantly. No, that comment was not me, but honestly I do think men have been conditioned to be more self-centered the same way they have been conditioned to shove down their feelings. Just think about how women are praised: we get praise for what we do for others, not what we accomplish. Men are made fun of for caring about others in any way except being a provider. But I will say that I haven't had personal issues with men in this way. My husband, father, male friends, etc. have all been very selfless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks please read up on the suicide data for men. I am all for gender equality empowerment etc. But I do not care what anyone says we are doing it at the expense of men. You can help women and you should. However you can advance women’s happiness equality right without pointing to men as source of the problems.

Good luck with that. That’s all those tenured sociology professors from the Ivy leagues write about. If you dare advocate for men, good luck having your paper accepted in a major journal or your findings reaching the public.

Why do the 1% of powerful sh***ty ass**hole men have to define the rest of us. Many of us are just middle class men, respectful, doing things right but we are being defined by the piece of sh***it 1% percenters….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/11/29/health/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/57460/1/straight-men-no-friends-toxic-masculinity-loneliness-u-ok

https://qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend-473ce00a#

These articles often are based on the same four studies but they examine the question you asked about the quality of male friendships v. the quality of female friendships.

I know that as you read these you won't believe the facts because they don't confirm your biases, but at least this was fun for me.

Thanks for citing these. Interesting and depressing reading, and definitely food for thought.

I guess I responded more flippantly than necessary to the PP who said that men are generally a-holes or self-centered because it was a sh***ty thing to say.

I don't think the posted sources at all support that statement by PP (maybe that was you). I think that quite the opposite, it suggests that men tend to hold things in more with a stiff upper lip because that's what they are taught to do from a relatively young age, and that THAT is what ultimately makes it likely for men to become more isolated.

Anyway, thanks for posting these links.

Another point I should have added, based on reading those articles. It seems like women see sharing their own emotional weakness as being generous with loved ones, whereas men see it as being selfish or weak. This is how men and women tend to be socialized. This means that in close relationships, men hold things in, and women share; women see the holding-in as selfish and men see the sharing as selfish.

This sums up my relationship with my DH. I wrote some pretty long paragraphs earlier, but this is it in a nutshell. 😆

[Anonymous]

I am in therapy now following my divorce. Going through divorce really showed me that men are just viewed a certain way. First they though I was hiding money and after extensive forensic accounting they found out not only I was not hiding money but I provided 20 years yes 20 years of detailed financial information. Then they thought I was cheater, I voluntarily gave every information email accounts passwords travel details everything to prove that was not the case. But guess what I still ended up paying her lawyer fees, she is keeping the house (and I am renting a room at the moment). She manipulated everyone the judge the lawyers everyone disgusting. Everyone was concerned about her happiness and not mine. Sorry to digress from this thread but I am just adding to some of the points that people made earlier in the sense that some of us are really suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

I guess because I have been through a successful round of marriage counseling I see posts like these and wonder why you haven’t aggressively pursued marriage counseling. These types of issues are the type of issue that marriage counseling is best for. You don’t hate each other or want to divorce, but there are real communication problems that could benefit from sitting down with a third party and hashing things out.

Waiting until you are so frustrated you don’t want to be married anymore is the wrong time to begin marriage counseling.

I pray counseling helps us as much as it has helped you. We are starting counseling this December.

He has been in therapy for 3 years now for these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

I guess because I have been through a successful round of marriage counseling I see posts like these and wonder why you haven’t aggressively pursued marriage counseling. These types of issues are the type of issue that marriage counseling is best for. You don’t hate each other or want to divorce, but there are real communication problems that could benefit from sitting down with a third party and hashing things out.

Waiting until you are so frustrated you don’t want to be married anymore is the wrong time to begin marriage counseling.

I pray counseling helps us as much as it has helped you. We are starting counseling this December.

He has been in therapy for 3 years now for these issues.

Don’t be discouraged just because he has been in individual therapy forever and it’s been useless. Individual therapy has major limitations because it’s a therapist trying to get your DH to self report what is wrong with him and then realize he needs to change. Honestly this is a Sisyphean task.

Marriage counseling is a totally different modality with a different goal because you are both there to advocate for yourselves and your spouse doesn’t get to paint the entire picture. The goal of marriage counseling is just to save the marriage, not necessarily for you to feel better. This STILL requires a really skilled counselor and for both parties to be invested and it can take months before you really feel you’ve made progress. It’s hard! And frequently miserable! I mentioned in the other thread that the counselor initially babied DH, who had done some major dealbreakers. It was infuriating! But we at least made it through a major bump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

Experience is the wrong choice of word.
It's the common complain from my relatives and friends.

A bunch of hens clucking and hating on men isn’t “evidence” of anything.