How do you “emotionally support” a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

NP here. That's not at all how I view being emotionally supportive. For me, it means hug me or rub my back, make sympathetic sounds like "aww" (or a noncommittal "mmm" if you disagree). It's being an engaged listener and asking follow-up questions.

It's all just emotional intelligence. Unfortunately I think you either have it or you don't. It's hard to learn if it doesn't come naturally. But, essentially, just hold her in your arms and shut up.

That's what it is for you. Part of the problem is that "emotional support" is different for every individual. The phrase itself conveys a very limited amount of meaning.

No, it's a descriptive, precise term if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence. It's being supportive of someone in an emotional way as opposed to, I dunno, physically propping them up. It has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with her -- your opinions on play no role here, it's not a time for debate or being intellectually stimulating.

Part of the problem is some women are unhinged and they expect their husbands to support them no matter how much of a hill she is making out of the mole.

When you are trying to understand something, sometimes it's helpful to see a counterexample. So OP, here we have a perfect illustration of what is NOT emotional support. Don't be like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

He didn't have a diagnosis until late 30s. Why characterize this as intentionally putting "a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning" as opposed to just doing his best, as most people do at the beginning of a relationship? Everyone puts their best foot forward at the beginning of the relationship. If he didn't have a diagnosis, what would he be hiding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

NP. Get over yourself. Do you have any life experience at all? The life you lead before you get married and have children is very different than what comes before.

My DH does not have ASD and I would consider him emotionally supportive. However, in times of crisis, such as when our daughter was diagnosed with a rare condition or his mother died his response can be very muted and weirdly passive. Then when something else happens like the dog needs to be put down, he has a total meltdown.

I don’t consider this offensive or upsetting but it is definitely unpredictable and only reactions that I witnessed after many years of marriage. I can definitely understand how it can be difficult to figure out what is going on emotionally with a prospective spouse. You cannot always “vet” a person and people are not predictable sometimes. And most people getting married are youngish still and don’t have that much life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

He didn't have a diagnosis until late 30s. Why characterize this as intentionally putting "a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning" as opposed to just doing his best, as most people do at the beginning of a relationship? Everyone puts their best foot forward at the beginning of the relationship. If he didn't have a diagnosis, what would he be hiding?

Not the poster you are responding to, but the diagnosis is just a clinical conclusion after an assessment. He didn't suddenly become autistic at the time of diagnosis.

It's true that some people put their best foot forward and try hard during the early days of a relationship, only to "drop the mask" later on. Hard to believe that that's what was going on here though, for long enough to get OP to marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That's what it is for you. Part of the problem is that "emotional support" is different for every individual. The phrase itself conveys a very limited amount of meaning.

No, it's a descriptive, precise term if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence. It's being supportive of someone in an emotional way as opposed to, I dunno, physically propping them up. It has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with her[.]

The precision of the term hinges on whether the person hearing it has emotional intelligence? "The term is meaningful if you can intuit what it means!"

I can hug my wife and cheer for the good guys and boo the bad guys in her stories, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm being emotionally supportive. Maybe I am, but if that doesn't scratch whatever emotional itch she has at the moment, maybe I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

NP. Get over yourself. Do you have any life experience at all? The life you lead before you get married and have children is very different than what comes before.

My DH does not have ASD and I would consider him emotionally supportive. However, in times of crisis, such as when our daughter was diagnosed with a rare condition or his mother died his response can be very muted and weirdly passive. Then when something else happens like the dog needs to be put down, he has a total meltdown.

I don’t consider this offensive or upsetting but it is definitely unpredictable and only reactions that I witnessed after many years of marriage. I can definitely understand how it can be difficult to figure out what is going on emotionally with a prospective spouse. You cannot always “vet” a person and people are not predictable sometimes. And most people getting married are youngish still and don’t have that much life experience.

What you're describing with your DH are one-off reactions "in times of crisis." What the PP was describing is her DH's apparently constant lack of emotional support due to his autism. It makes sense that you might not have encountered events before marriage that would make your DH act in a way you don't like. It's impossible to imagine that PP never had reason to realize her husband is a dud emotionally. More likely is that she wanted to get married and have kids and was willing to overlook in furtherance of those goals, and that now that she's accomplished that, she's changed her mind about it all. Seems unfair to her DH, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

NP. Get over yourself. Do you have any life experience at all? The life you lead before you get married and have children is very different than what comes before.

My DH does not have ASD and I would consider him emotionally supportive. However, in times of crisis, such as when our daughter was diagnosed with a rare condition or his mother died his response can be very muted and weirdly passive. Then when something else happens like the dog needs to be put down, he has a total meltdown.

I don’t consider this offensive or upsetting but it is definitely unpredictable and only reactions that I witnessed after many years of marriage. I can definitely understand how it can be difficult to figure out what is going on emotionally with a prospective spouse. You cannot always “vet” a person and people are not predictable sometimes. And most people getting married are youngish still and don’t have that much life experience.

What you're describing with your DH are one-off reactions "in times of crisis." What the PP was describing is her DH's apparently constant lack of emotional support due to his autism. It makes sense that you might not have encountered events before marriage that would make your DH act in a way you don't like. It's impossible to imagine that PP never had reason to realize her husband is a dud emotionally. More likely is that she wanted to get married and have kids and was willing to overlook in furtherance of those goals, and that now that she's accomplished that, she's changed her mind about it all. Seems unfair to her DH, frankly.

That was the first example that came to mind but sometimes a crisis is prolonged, sometimes people go through stress for a period, sometimes people really do just change for the worse. That is why your marriage vows say “for better or for worse,” that’s mostly a cover for the crap husbands of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

NP. Get over yourself. Do you have any life experience at all? The life you lead before you get married and have children is very different than what comes before.

My DH does not have ASD and I would consider him emotionally supportive. However, in times of crisis, such as when our daughter was diagnosed with a rare condition or his mother died his response can be very muted and weirdly passive. Then when something else happens like the dog needs to be put down, he has a total meltdown.

I don’t consider this offensive or upsetting but it is definitely unpredictable and only reactions that I witnessed after many years of marriage. I can definitely understand how it can be difficult to figure out what is going on emotionally with a prospective spouse. You cannot always “vet” a person and people are not predictable sometimes. And most people getting married are youngish still and don’t have that much life experience.

What you're describing with your DH are one-off reactions "in times of crisis." What the PP was describing is her DH's apparently constant lack of emotional support due to his autism. It makes sense that you might not have encountered events before marriage that would make your DH act in a way you don't like. It's impossible to imagine that PP never had reason to realize her husband is a dud emotionally. More likely is that she wanted to get married and have kids and was willing to overlook in furtherance of those goals, and that now that she's accomplished that, she's changed her mind about it all. Seems unfair to her DH, frankly.

That was the first example that came to mind but sometimes a crisis is prolonged, sometimes people go through stress for a period, sometimes people really do just change for the worse. That is why your marriage vows say “for better or for worse,” that’s mostly a cover for the crap husbands of the world.

You sound awfully defensive about having married a "crap husband," but based on this response, I can see why he might not want to engage with you.

[Anonymous]

I think one huge mistake people make (and this isn't just about husbands) is an intolerance of the negative emotions of others. Being around someone else's negative emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we care about them. So often people seek to do something to get those pesky emotions away. This maybe okay when you're talking about a parent distracting a toddler who is in distress because they have to leave the playground, but it's often a problem when someone dismisses negative emotions as invalid, useless, dramatic, etc. Emotions, positive and negative, have value and purpose. Honoring and being curious about someone else's emotions is part of being emotionally supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one huge mistake people make (and this isn't just about husbands) is an intolerance of the negative emotions of others. Being around someone else's negative emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we care about them. So often people seek to do something to get those pesky emotions away. This maybe okay when you're talking about a parent distracting a toddler who is in distress because they have to leave the playground, but it's often a problem when someone dismisses negative emotions as invalid, useless, dramatic, etc. Emotions, positive and negative, have value and purpose. Honoring and being curious about someone else's emotions is part of being emotionally supportive.

I think you are right, but only to a point. I think it is equally true that some people are routinely negative or dramatic. It is frankly selfish to expect others to constantly engage with your negative emotions, and it is egocentric to believe that all of your emotions are worthy of "honoring" by others. What we don't know about OP, or anyone else posting on here, is whether the husband might be legitimately exhausted, walking on egg shells, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

But she married the guy, presumably after some extended period of getting to know him. If she didn't get to know him ahead of time, then that's even more ridiculous. And if she didn't get to know him well enough before marriage to know that he isn't emotionally supportive, then that's on her, too. I don't know how old OP is or what her background is, and maybe that explains the decision to get into a long term familial relationship (presumably involving or intending to involve having children) with someone who is so unsatisfying to her.

NP. Get over yourself. Do you have any life experience at all? The life you lead before you get married and have children is very different than what comes before.

My DH does not have ASD and I would consider him emotionally supportive. However, in times of crisis, such as when our daughter was diagnosed with a rare condition or his mother died his response can be very muted and weirdly passive. Then when something else happens like the dog needs to be put down, he has a total meltdown.

I don’t consider this offensive or upsetting but it is definitely unpredictable and only reactions that I witnessed after many years of marriage. I can definitely understand how it can be difficult to figure out what is going on emotionally with a prospective spouse. You cannot always “vet” a person and people are not predictable sometimes. And most people getting married are youngish still and don’t have that much life experience.

What you're describing with your DH are one-off reactions "in times of crisis." What the PP was describing is her DH's apparently constant lack of emotional support due to his autism. It makes sense that you might not have encountered events before marriage that would make your DH act in a way you don't like. It's impossible to imagine that PP never had reason to realize her husband is a dud emotionally. More likely is that she wanted to get married and have kids and was willing to overlook in furtherance of those goals, and that now that she's accomplished that, she's changed her mind about it all. Seems unfair to her DH, frankly.

That was the first example that came to mind but sometimes a crisis is prolonged, sometimes people go through stress for a period, sometimes people really do just change for the worse. That is why your marriage vows say “for better or for worse,” that’s mostly a cover for the crap husbands of the world.

You sound awfully defensive about having married a "crap husband," but based on this response, I can see why he might not want to engage with you.

I’m being facetious, I guess you can’t tell? My husband and I get along nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one huge mistake people make (and this isn't just about husbands) is an intolerance of the negative emotions of others. Being around someone else's negative emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we care about them. So often people seek to do something to get those pesky emotions away. This maybe okay when you're talking about a parent distracting a toddler who is in distress because they have to leave the playground, but it's often a problem when someone dismisses negative emotions as invalid, useless, dramatic, etc. Emotions, positive and negative, have value and purpose. Honoring and being curious about someone else's emotions is part of being emotionally supportive.

I think you are right, but only to a point. I think it is equally true that some people are routinely negative or dramatic. It is frankly selfish to expect others to constantly engage with your negative emotions, and it is egocentric to believe that all of your emotions are worthy of "honoring" by others. What we don't know about OP, or anyone else posting on here, is whether the husband might be legitimately exhausted, walking on egg shells, etc.

I am right because I said it's *often* a problem to dismiss negative emotions. It is true that sometimes negative emotions are invalid and useless (I didn't use dramatic because I think it's an extremely rude term that is often used to dismiss valid emotion).

We do not know if OP's wife has borderline personality disorder or something, but we do know that it is extremely frequent for men to fail to emotionally support their wives. And we know that OP's wife is taking the drastic step of leaving the marriage (ostensibly) because of a lack of emotional support. If I had to bet on which spouse was right about OP's level of emotional support, I wouldn't choose OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one huge mistake people make (and this isn't just about husbands) is an intolerance of the negative emotions of others. Being around someone else's negative emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we care about them. So often people seek to do something to get those pesky emotions away. This maybe okay when you're talking about a parent distracting a toddler who is in distress because they have to leave the playground, but it's often a problem when someone dismisses negative emotions as invalid, useless, dramatic, etc. Emotions, positive and negative, have value and purpose. Honoring and being curious about someone else's emotions is part of being emotionally supportive.

I think you are right, but only to a point. I think it is equally true that some people are routinely negative or dramatic. It is frankly selfish to expect others to constantly engage with your negative emotions, and it is egocentric to believe that all of your emotions are worthy of "honoring" by others. What we don't know about OP, or anyone else posting on here, is whether the husband might be legitimately exhausted, walking on egg shells, etc.

I am right because I said it's *often* a problem to dismiss negative emotions. It is true that sometimes negative emotions are invalid and useless (I didn't use dramatic because I think it's an extremely rude term that is often used to dismiss valid emotion).

We do not know if OP's wife has borderline personality disorder or something, but we do know that it is extremely frequent for men to fail to emotionally support their wives. And we know that OP's wife is taking the drastic step of leaving the marriage (ostensibly) because of a lack of emotional support. If I had to bet on which spouse was right about OP's level of emotional support, I wouldn't choose OP.

No, we don't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one huge mistake people make (and this isn't just about husbands) is an intolerance of the negative emotions of others. Being around someone else's negative emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we care about them. So often people seek to do something to get those pesky emotions away. This maybe okay when you're talking about a parent distracting a toddler who is in distress because they have to leave the playground, but it's often a problem when someone dismisses negative emotions as invalid, useless, dramatic, etc. Emotions, positive and negative, have value and purpose. Honoring and being curious about someone else's emotions is part of being emotionally supportive.

Anecdotes aren't data and all of that, but my wife is incredibly intolerant of my negative emotions. If I display any, she will pretty quickly turn it into something about her. And I think lots of guys have this experience. I could be wrong, but I don't think the world at-large is as accepting of negative emotions from men as they are from women. (I know men get angry plenty and are sometimes rewarded for it; but I think that's more because people are afraid of them than because they are accepting and supportive of those kinds of outbursts.)